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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

385 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 15:52

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA Grin

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 04/10/2019 16:47

I couldn't wait to show my dd off after birth. I do think its odd once you're home to not wany any visitors
I don't like my MIL but i sqid she could come visit in the hospital as my mum had come in.
People are excited! I find, people who keep visitors away then moan months later that friends/family don't visit

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 16:47

@raspberryk and I’m happy for you that you felt able to do all of that. But, my point is that many other women won’t, and they shouldn’t feel obliged to out of a sense of politeness or not wanting to upset anyone or appear ‘bitchy’.

OP posts:
Inebriatededna · 04/10/2019 16:49

😯to The poster who said why would you want someone elses mum visiting !! Surely that someone else is the person you made the baby with and your babys other parent .

notquiteruralbliss · 04/10/2019 16:52

Another one who liked new DCs to meet family and friends ASAP. in all cases, we didn’t tell MIL when labour started ( in case there was a long wait) but did let her know when the baby was arriving / had arrived - she generally made it in time for champagne. We then spent the next few days visiting or being visited by family and friends.

ShinyGiratina · 04/10/2019 16:53

DS2's first visitor was BiL. He was supposed to come to hospital, but discharge happened sooner than excpected so he came shortly after we got home... so I'm told... I slept through in bed Grin

It depends a lot on the relatives involved. Are they helpful? Can they take a hint to bugger off promptly? Do they understand boundaries?

DMs have an advantage over MiLs in the first few days in that a new mum feeling vulnerable is more likely to feel comfortable feeling exposed in front of the woman who raised her and changed her own nappies.
Saying that, I'm very grateful for my MiL's support for 2 weeks after DH's pat leave finished. I certainly wasn't on my best form yet, but not such a mess as I had been earlier. Due to distance, she needed a longer stay. I don't think I would have managed that in the first week or two. DM just had short visits, so on balance MiL did better.

MaryShelley1818 · 04/10/2019 16:53

I love my husband and would never ever treat his parents differently to my own because I respect him and wouldn’t ever do things that would hurt him. His parents are lovely but they’re human and would have been terribly upset if they’d not been allowed to visit DS as soon as he was born.
I honestly never for a second thought about my bleeding/recovering etc It was amazing to see how much both sets of parents adored him and how happy they were to meet him.
2yrs down the line DS has an equally close relationship with all his grandparents facilitated by his parents.

babybrain77 · 04/10/2019 16:53

Before having my DS, I would have said YWBU, but if I have more DCs I'm also going to try to get a bit more backbone on saying no to visitors (particularly MIL). I invited MIL to the hospital to meet DS as I wanted her to see him asap but she didn't want to be late for work so said no.

She came to our house the next morning without invitation and DS was sleeping on my chest - he had barely slept all night and I was a mess. She walked in and took him off me and walked out the room. DH got things back under control fairly quickly, but that initial visit has really impacted my relationship with MIL and I would not be having her round straight away after future DCs

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 16:54

I do find it sad that there's even a need to argue and discuss the need for a new mother to be ready to receive visitors.

It doesn't matter when it is, and how long it takes, the fact that people seem so keen to disregard and dismiss her wishes is really depressing, when she really should be the 1st priority here.

The newborn won't care if he meets nanny Doris when he's 2 days or 2 weeks old, he truly won't.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 04/10/2019 16:55

I didn’t mind people visiting after being home a few days but I had an awful labour with DD and was poorly afterwards so didn’t want anyone at the hospital except DH.
My wishes were ignored by some of DH’s family. Less than 24hrs after the birth, four of them turned up at once at the hospital. Photos taken and then pinned up on social media without asking.
If we have another then we won’t announce when I’m in labour/ birth until we’re released home. I’m all for family visiting the new addition but on the parents terms.

Biancadelrioisback · 04/10/2019 16:55

But you have to remember that for many of us, giving birth, while obviously not pleasant, wasn't this huge horrendous thing that left them emotionally scarred and in need of private recovery.
My DS was prem and in SCBU for nearly a month, I had ripped badly and had piles too. I also breastfed. Never stopped me asked FIL to shift over so I could sit on the sofa, never stopped me feeding either. Yes I know I am lucky that I felt comfortable and confident to do all that, but I'm hardly unique. There are loads of women who really don't mind/want to have visitors, who are in pain but are generally 'fine'.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 16:55

She walked in and took him off me and walked out the room.
that truly is shocking. I am glad your DH did support you.

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 16:56

Wait after reading further into your posts,

I think YABU, your in laws should be able to see their grandchild if it’s a short visit and sensible.

However YANBU if it’s about them staying long periods of time or being too frequent in the early days. The recovery of the mother should be priority and she should be around people she finds supportive and comfortable.

But surely they can see the baby for an hour twice a week or so if they’re sensible with their expectations and don’t infringe on you.

If however they have issues with you then that’s a specific scenario.

I wouldn’t want in laws staying over at my house in the early days but I wouldn’t mind a visit at all. Even though I dislike them

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 16:56

There are loads of women who really don't mind/want to have visitors, who are in pain but are generally 'fine'.

but that's ok!
The whole point is that it's up to the new mother when they have visitors, or even who holds their hand when they are giving birth. The only rule should be to let her decide.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 16:58

I don’t understand why you think you have no obligation to anyone just because you have just given birth. Are these “relatives” the same people you would go to for help if you were in trouble? The same people you expect to care when joyous life events happen to you? The people you are meant to love? Shock

Vehivle · 04/10/2019 16:59

@anyoneseenmykeys @nuggles I think people can comprehend that it is the lady who has just given birth who dictates visitors. And I fully understand not feeling as comfortable with in laws as you ever will with your own parents. Especially with regards to having your own mother vs mother in law. I was the same. Then I went on to be a mother of 3 sons. And I realised that though I love my sons and will raise them to the very best of my ability- I already feel a sense of sadness that when they have their first kids - its likely we shall have to wait a few days or a week or so before we shall get to meet them - meanwhile I'm sure the other parents will have seen them on day 1. I know you can say - its just the first week - what does it matter? But it's your parents in law first grandkids too. And it's a sad indication of how things will be going forward. We will always end up playing second fiddle to our daughter in laws parents by default that it is our son not our daughter who is the parent.

I'm not saying you need to host anyone. When I gave birth, I had a 3rd degree tear and didnt want to see anyone. But I didnt want to deny my parents in law or place my own parents over them. So I invited both over and just stayed in bed whilst my husband brought them the baby, and he brought them back to me when it needed feeding. Then brought it back to them etc. It worked fine. I didnt need to worry about entertaining, tea making, tidying. I just stayed in bed and slept until the baby was brought to me for feeding. And I felt both sets of parents got to see their first grandkid.

isadoradancing123 · 04/10/2019 16:59

Did in laws actually ask you to clean and tidy the house before they visit or to make them a cup of tea, some people are so anal about the preciousness of birth, most cultures love their immediate close family to see their new baby and would be insulted if they didnt visit, obviously a quick visit not an all day session

Minai · 04/10/2019 17:00

Yanbu. I had a horrific birth during which myself and ds nearly died. When we got home I asked for a few days to recover. My in-laws are still angry to this day that I didn’t allow them to see ds. He was all they cared about. Me and my recovery did not matter to them in the slightest.

LovePoppy · 04/10/2019 17:02

What new parents need is not to be told by others what they do or don't need
I’ll agree with this.

But often times a new mum is being forced to have visitors because “that’s what everyone does”

Aria2015 · 04/10/2019 17:04

I wanted my mum of course, but i also wanted to be fair to dh and his family too. I wanted to show everyone my new baby anyway so visitors didn't bother me but even if they had, i’d have applied the same rule to dh’s family as my own for his sake if no one else’s. I didn't lose my ability to consider others feelings just because i’d had a baby.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2019 17:08

Did in laws actually ask you to clean and tidy the house before they visit or to make them a cup of tea

I did ask the OP if they always visit when her husband isn't home but she didn't answer.

Biancadelrioisback · 04/10/2019 17:08

often times a new mum is being forced to have visitors because “that’s what everyone does”

Or judged for wanting visitors. Another mother kept telling me that I shouldnt have visitors because I needed to recover. This was someone who knew nothing about me

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 17:09

@seaweedandmarchingbands with the relatives who truly love me, we don’t have a tit for tat relationship - they don’t expect me to behave a certain way in order for them to help me out or support me. I wouldn’t expect to go and see them the day after they’d had surgery, so why should they expect to be allowed to visit the day after I’ve given birth?!

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 04/10/2019 17:12

@Biancadelrioisback I’m sorry that happened to you.

I didn’t want people daily and it took my inlaws months/years to forgive me

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 04/10/2019 17:13

In 30 years time, if the OP has boys and they have children, I wonder whether she will feel the same. I saw my granddaughter before my dil’s family and my sil’s parents saw my grandson before we did.

No problem either way.

Rachelover60 · 04/10/2019 17:14

I didn't mind the grandparents coming round because they did things to help which was appreciated. I certainly didn't want anyone else and hated chat. I really wanted peace and quiet and to grab sleep when it was possible.

I certainly don't blame anyone not having visitors for the first couple of weeks, they often don't know when they've stayed long enough. Common sense would surely tell them half an hour is sufficient.

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