To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

[MakingABoobOfIt]

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA

General family - yes, I agree.

YABVVVVVVVVVVVU to suggest your parents are different to your in laws though.

@Blossom28 honestly, I’m aghast as well! I mean I’d love to be closer to my MIL, but even so I’d never be as close to her as my own mum! In this case my DH is 100% with me, but even if he wasn’t, I think the woman who’s given birth gets a veto on who visits in the early days!

I think it’s the feeling of obligation I get when IL’s come - so making them a cuppa, having a tidy house, etc. I don’t feel the same when it’s my own parents!

Do they never come when your husband is there?

Aw, balls, that was meant for ArsenicGreen, who said, I cannot see how in-laws are different from parents.

Each parent has the right to include family in the joy of a new child. Each parent has the right to be supported by family. Every baby should be loved by as many as possible.

OP, if you don’t have a comfortable relationship with your in-laws, that’s a separate issue. LittleOne if you don’t want to invade your family for a weekend, of course don’t do it.

Yes, people are different, and yes, I suppose it is, ultimately, up to the parents to decide, but I really dislike the idea that the joy of a new child in families is anything other than a cause for celebration and coming together.

I agree with you that the sense of entitlement some people seem to have is awful. I had visitors (my parents and my ILs) the day I came out of hospital, which was the day after I gave birth. Other family live further away and their visits were spread over the first 2/3 weeks. But no one was pushy and all would have accepted it if we’d wanted to wait a bit.

I also hate the way (on mn at least) it’s always the new mum who is blamed for shutting people out. My husband was actually the one who didn’t want loads of visitors, because he only had two weeks leave and wanted to spend time with DD himself, without endless visitors.

In-laws and parents should be treated as equally as possibly.

Why? What if one of them is horrible? I get on better with MIL than I do with my mum, and if my relationship with my mum really deteriorated I wouldn’t want to feel obligated to see her right away, just because MIL had visited.

@CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt well I guess for lots of people it’s different. As it is, DH and I are not close to his family at all, so yes, in-laws in this instance are very different to my parents (who we’re both very close to).

My mum came and stayed with me with each child but MIL was also there as soon as she could. Her grandchild too after all. But my MIL would come round and tidy up and take over the cooking or making tea for everyone. She would never expect me to get up and do it.

The baby is a new member of the family. It lovely that family members want to meet them. Within the first week to ten days seems reasonable. Unless issues I would apply, and did, the same rules to both sets of grandparents

I was pleased to have people round. I was unwell after both births and my family (I include in-laws) we’re welcome. They came and helped and loved my children.

I have a good relationship with my in-laws and don’t make unnecessary stresses.

@ArsenicGreen my Mum loved me but my ILs wouldn’t care less if a bus ran me over right now. That’s the difference.

My DH is very close to his parents and our child is 50% his. It was important to him to introduce his son to his mum. I love my DH and do what I can to support what is important to him and not once did it enter my mind to exclude his parents and allow mine. We are a partnership and I don't feel his parents should be excluded. As a result our son is very close with both sides, my PIL are a fantastic support network for us as are my parents. We're very lucky, but we've also worked to have this. There are things his mum do that annoy me but she is his mum.
I'd hate it if one day my son excluded me from his life or his children's lives.

Regardless of whether there is a good relationship with in-laws etc or not - no one has the right to visit the new baby. It’s this sense of entitlement that winds me up!

@BettysLeftTentacle I think mine would be quite pleased

I wanted visitors. My parents, in laws, postie, anyone really. I was proud and I enjoyed the fuss.

@Biancadelrioisback I mean aside from the implication that I neither love nor support DH I totally get your point, but unfortunately your son will one day have every right to make his own decisions and include or exclude you as he sees fit.

When I had my first dc it was after a very long journey and difficult pregnancy. I was elated and couldn't wait to introduce her to everyone! My inlaws and my dad and aunt all came to the hospital that day, mum had been with me and dh in the delivery room. I went home the next day and we had lots of visitors popping in - none stayed long or expected to be waited on. The next day we took dc to church to meet everyone there and then went to my parents for lunch!
When dc 2 was born it was much the same, mum and dh in the delivery room and close family, in-laws and dc1 came to the hospital the same day.
Everyone is different!!! All my family live close by and kept visits short. Most came with food and made their own drinks etc. I wouldn't have wanted to host needed guests or have anyone stay.

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule

which rule?

My mum could not be with me soon after but Mil who stayed with us for 2 weeks, Sil and Dnephew (7 at that time).

I am not particularly close to them but DH is and I really didn't mind. They actually helped me around the house (I had a difficult labour and lost a lot of blood and was tired as fuck for weeks afterwards).

It seems to be a MN thing were people don't want visitors and if so, only the the mother's side of the family and it seems to be acceptable to shut the father's side out.

I always thank my lucky stars I have daughters and not sons when I read that stuff.

I really love my relatives and wanted them to see my new baby. that is normal in our family - no entitlement no talk of rights just delight at meeting a new member of the family.

As it happens I needed both my parents and my lovely MIL as I was sick as shit after the birth. 22 years later, I still love that MIL dropped everything to help me. My young bil was the first person (other than grandparents) to babysit - he minded my 9 week old while I went shopping with mil.

I think the difference is when it's an overall ban on people traipsing in and meeting the baby, fine. But when it's only people of the mums liking and vetoing the dad's relatives/friends, that's where it begins to become really shitty... iyswim...

After birth I think it’s natural for a woman to
Want her own mother over MIL.

Everyone is different, I’m a introvert but also a high achiever so the idea of someone seeing me at my at possibly my physically and emotionally lowest point would be really scary. I’m not close to my MIL and have already found her a bit over bearing where as my mum is not intrusive at all. I also wouldn’t care if my mum saw my boobs or I was a tearful snivelling mess. She’s seen it all before!

I’m by no means going to keep my MIL away, far from it but my OH will be keeping tabs on things as my MIL has a habit of being pushy and not being able to read the room.

Unless there's a really valid reason why you don't get on, I think it's mean and precious to allow parents but not in laws. It's their grandchild too.
Having said that, of course visits should be kept short (unless you want relatives to stay and help) and nobody should expect to sit around for ages and be waited on. IMO visitors in the early days should bring a meal to be heated up later, or do something else constructive, e.g. get any shopping.

@ibanez0815 my rule that A’s& when we have another baby, no family or friends - other than my parents - will be getting within marching distance of me until I’m ready!

I couldn’t wait for everyone to come and meet my son! I’d had a c section, hadn’t washed my hair in three days and had gone through 36 hours of labour but when people asked to come and visit in hospital I couldn’t wait for it!

All different but it was so exciting I wanted everyone there!

I wanted my MIL and PIL to come see us in hospital. They never visited for 8 weeks! Then they expected to be waited on hand and foot, complained about everything and got arsy whenever the baby cried (and are still going on about the fact the baby woke them up in the night). In hindsight I'm glad they didn't come sooner but I did feel sad that they weren't keen to see their first grandchild.

But I think YANBU because it should be the choice of the woman who just gave birth. And I'm sick of entitled older people (on both threads) saying this is a modern thing.

It's hilarious how we're told not to be doormats/people pleasers until we give birth then we're supposed to be doormats again while we're at our most vulnerable.

And MILs are different to mothers because maternal grandmothers generally want to help and care for the new mum as well as the baby, and aren't generally treating the baby like a new doll/loading up on ammunition for gossip about how the woman with the third degree tear had a messy kitchen. That's a generalization (even if my mother was alive she wouldn't have taken an interest/helped at all).

Agreed. The mother is still recovering. In laws should see the baby though, but don’t have same comfortable feel around them as the mums own parents who are there to support her. Facts of life. It’s not a competition.