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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

385 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 15:52

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA Grin

OP posts:
ALongHardWinter · 04/10/2019 18:13

I cannot see how inlaws are different from parents.
Seriously? Shock

Pinkpanther473 · 04/10/2019 18:15

I’m with you OP. Baby and I had a tough start for one reason or another. I was so grateful to have my mum there reminding me when to take meds and making me cheese sandwiches etc, for friends popping by with meals and not minding if either/both of us were sleeping, it was less easy to host extended in laws who I didn’t know well and who clearly wanted to be hosted and entertained by me and new baby who both weren’t well for different reasons.
Stick to your guns and do what both you and baby can cope with xx

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 18:15

but I think this attitude just shows you as demanding and spoilt

how rude and what a stupid comment.

if you still can't understand that you can feel closer to your own parent that your partner's parents, it's hopeless. Stop thinking you have a RIGHT to anything and start showing a bit of respect to others. I really feel sorry for your DIL!

MrsJBaptiste · 04/10/2019 18:16

I cannot imagine how DH would have felt if my mum and dad came over immediately after the birth but then I said, sorry but your parents can wait until "I'm" ready for them to visit 😯

BeanBag7 · 04/10/2019 18:17

Because my husband is a new parent too and he wanted his parents to meet the baby.
Because not everyone hates their in laws.
Because some people have a straightforward birth and don't feel the need to have weeks of recovery afterwards.

Livelovebehappy · 04/10/2019 18:18

And what about the new father? Does he have any say in who he wants to visit too or is it all about what the new mum wants? I have a teen son who isn’t even dating so not something I have to think about yet, but must admit when/if he marries and becomes a dad I would be hurt if his DW had her parents there every day after the birth but that I would have to wait until she grants me visitation days or weeks later. Surely the DF also has a say in who visits too?

sleepylittlebunnies · 04/10/2019 18:19

anyoneseenmykeys I was too passive and pleasant really, it spoilt our first few months. I wish I had confronted their behaviour, their needs trumped mine and even my baby’s. They never brought food, made a cuppa or helped in any way. I think they thought they were helping by letting me get on with the cooking, housework and laundry by sitting on the sofa with a sleeping baby. They would try to wake him up, never liked to hand him back if he was upset or hungry.

It also meant after DH’s 1 week off work we didn’t have any time alone in the evenings. Tbh in hindsight I had a pretty big DH problem as he knew how I felt but put their needs and his own before mine or his son’s just to keep them happy. I ended up developing anxiety and had PND for a year.

DC are older now and PIL are a lot calmer and were only really obsessed with them as babies. Becoming grandparents was a huge deal to them. They are as hands on as my parents with providing childcare now they have both retired. They made their spare bedroom a nursery and were desperate for breastfed DC1 to sleep there when he was tiny. Unfortunately they have never had any of them let alone all 3 for a sleepover as 2 of them have SEN and don’t want broken sleep.

Antidepressants and counselling helped me to come to terms with that time, their behaviour and DH’s and I managed to forgive and move on. I’m terrible at forgetting though and when I look back it’s like I’m looking at someone else going through it. I know I won’t be doing the same if my son has a partner and children.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 18:19

I cannot imagine how DH would have felt if my mum and dad came over immediately after the birth but then I said, sorry but your parents can wait until "I'm" ready for them to visit 😯

I think a new mum is fine to set this as the boundary for a day or so: if you need your mum, you need your mum. But after that it can start to look rather unnecessary and even petty/spiteful, depending on how well you’re doing after the birth. I had some stitches and was BF, but I really was absolutely fine and there was no reason after the first night to deny my DH’s parents a visit with their grandchild.

MerryDeath · 04/10/2019 18:19

well everyone is different?? i have friends/family who i wouldn't mind coming over as i don't have to stand on ceremony for them and they would be more of a help than a hindrance. you do what you like and so will the rest of us. as long as everyone is empowered to say yes and no as they please it's a non issue.

SallyWD · 04/10/2019 18:20

My MIL stayed for 3 weeks when I had my 2nd DC. It was fantastic - she entertained my toddler, did the housework, cooked delicious meals for us all. I was extremely grateful. It all depends on your relationship with your in laws surely?! Some of us like our in laws.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 18:22

@Livelovebehappy but this is making it all about you, when it’s nothing to do with you. Your son may rightly prioritise the feelings of his partner, rather than the feelings of his mother, which is how it should be. If my son asks me not to visit until they’re ready, of course I will respect that because it’s not about me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 18:24

@BeanBag7 all of which is fine, as long as you don’t feel you have to have visitors. Again, it’s the idea that women are obliged to have visitors when they might not be ready that’s the issue.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 18:25

If my son asks me not to visit until they’re ready, of course I will respect that because it’s not about me!!

And if that’s three weeks down the line? Six? At what point are you going to start thinking, “Actually, these people don’t give a shit about me”?

Your actions aren’t neutral. People read them and work things out from them.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 18:26

@MrsJBaptiste this is exactly what I said. My mum and dad stayed with relatives nearby (they don’t live locally) and came over every day to cook, clean, and look after us all. DH’s family didn’t visit until several days later. We are not close to them, so it wasn’t an issue. But even if we were, DH would have protected my right not to have to deal with visitors until I was ready, because I (and the new baby) was his priority.

OP posts:
anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 18:26

And what about the new father? Does he have any say in who he wants to visit too or is it all about what the new mum wants?

as much as I think fathers are absolutely equal to mothers, that is exactly the exception - yes, it should be about the woman who has been gone through labour and giving birth and anyone who loves their wife and is a decent man will gladly put his wife and child above his mummy and daddy. Because he's all grown-up ... Hmm

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 18:27

Your actions aren’t neutral. People read them and work things out from them.

by the sound of it, some people make stuff up and all about THEM anyway, so I wouldn't worry too much about these people!

Jeschara · 04/10/2019 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 18:29

Also, just to add to this - in my job, I work with expectant parents daily, and how to deal with visitors/say no to visitors (especially in-laws) is a common concern.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 18:29

anyoneseenmykeys

Are you serious? You think a loving parent noticing - and wondering why - they hadn’t been invited to meet their grandchild after weeks is making it ALL ABOUT THEM?

Why?

SchoolDecision19 · 04/10/2019 18:29

I had my whole family round an hour after giving birth. Homebirth and was nestled up with DD and loved everyone seeing her so soon.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 18:30

Jeschara
wow, if you need to start insulting posters because you don't agree , especially when you don't agree that mothers should be given a CHOICE, then, yes, I do feel awfully sorry for your daughter-in-law!

I'd love to know how she describes you to her friends even if she is polite with you. You sound an absolute delight, and so far from the stereotypical MIL from hell. Oh, wait Grin

Original poster
MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 18:30

@anyoneseenmykeys anyone who loves their wife and is a decent man will gladly put his wife and child above his mummy and daddy. Because he's all grown-up ... this, time’s a million! I can’t believe all of the entitled women on here who think their adult sons should still prioritise them!

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 04/10/2019 18:31

When I had DS2 it happened that DM and DBIL2 were both staying (DMIL had just gone home having stayed a week in case I went into labour to provide childcare). I was delighted to show DS2 off to anyone who wanted a cuddle. But I don’t wait on my ILs any more than my own family and they’re all fab. Different families have different dynamics - YABU to assume is want the same as you would.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 18:32

ou think a loving parent noticing - and wondering why - they hadn’t been invited to meet their grandchild after weeks is making it ALL ABOUT THEM?

well, yeah, a little bit!
Isn't it? Do you genuinely believe there's a valid mental or physical reason for a newborn to need to meet his relatives within a few hours or even days of his birth? Really?

If someone needs to impose weeks without visit, I would guess there are some strong reasons behind it, which would make it even more important for the annoyance to stay away.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 18:32

I can’t believe all of the entitled women on here who think their adult sons should still prioritise them!

I have a daughter, not a son. I think my husband should treat his parents with respect. He can do that as well as prioritise me. It’s not a zero sum game. If I am not feeling well a day or two after giving birth but I am basically okay, it costs me very little to lie in bed while my DH introduces his child to his parents.