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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

385 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 15:52

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA Grin

OP posts:
saraclara · 04/10/2019 22:35

@MrsNotNice of course not everyone is the same. It seems to be the default though (among those supporting the OP) that the PILs should have to wait as long as it takes until the mother deigns to let them visit, while her own parents are welcome. Without recognising that both sets of grandparents are equally invested in their grandchild.

I'm talking from the perspective of both sets of parents being normal, of course. But virtually no-one has said they'd let their PILs visit first because their own parents aren't nice.

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 22:35

The point is MIL have no reason to take it personal and interpret it as favouritism.

The baby won’t pick favourites on the first day. His/her favourite is the mummy and they need Her to be at peace.

Loving grandparents should do what’s necessary for the mother to recover.

Yes see the grandchild. But the competition doesn’t start now!!

Leave the mum recover and let her get the help she prefers. Usually that means more support from her mum. Less from MIl

saraclara · 04/10/2019 22:37

@LovePoppy,the pp's quote was "It's not ALL about the mum you know"
A lot of it is obviously, but it's also a lot about the baby and a bit about the proud father.

It's not exclusively about the mum, and that's all that people are trying to say.

LovePoppy · 04/10/2019 22:39

And none of those people you mentioned are extended family.

Horehound · 04/10/2019 22:39

@MrsNotNice yep I agree with you completely.

Firecarrier · 04/10/2019 22:40

Haven't RTT.

I invited, yes, actually invited my in laws round an hour after my home birth both times. Actually pretty much all family popped in within a couple of days. Still had ample time to bond and snuggle. Who doesn't want everyone to see the most beautiful baby in the world?Wink

I suppose it depends if you like your family.

I don't see eye to eye with MIL on many things but it doesn't hurt to be kind.

I feel sorry for the MILs of some of the people on here!

And before anyone says I probably had super easy births - not particularly- especially the first which was long and I had lots of stitches and the gas and air run out.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 22:44

It's not exclusively about the mum, and that's all that people are trying to say.

straight after giving birth, actually yes it is.
The extended family has months, years to bond with the child and get involved. The baby doesn't care and doesn't need them. The mother need to recover - how she feels comfortable to do so is up to her.

Are these posters who MUST be the first one to take a selfie with the baby serious? Why do you think it's all about you?

Insisting that mothers have no say about visitors brings us centuries back. Funny how we are all for empowering women, but the minute they are mothers, they don't count anymore.

saraclara · 04/10/2019 22:44

Who doesn't want everyone to see the most beautiful baby in the world?

Exactly! The babies have hardly been mentioned in this thread!

Horehound · 04/10/2019 22:45

I suppose it depends if you like your family

NO this is not what it's about but seems to beinterpreted this way. It depends on how the new parents feel and yes I think especially how the new mum feels. Why should it be? She's gone through the pregnancy growing the baby, enduring the labour and is likely to feel pretty tired at the end of it let alone any birthing injuries, infections, establishing feeding.
So why should people just expect to rock up and coo over a baby when the new mother has gone through all that and maybe just wants her mum?

saraclara · 04/10/2019 22:46

Are these posters who MUST be the first one to take a selfie with the baby serious?

Which posters are they? because I haven't seen a single one.

(Also I don't do selfies)

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 22:46

Hmm a new born does not give a damn about his grand-parents. he's just recovering from being born for a start.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 22:48

you haven't read a single poster who is outraged if someone comes to see the baby before they do, really saraclara? Grin

Whuut · 04/10/2019 22:53

Haven't RTFT but people saying in-laws aren't any different Hmm of course they're different.

My DM was at the birth of my DS because she is the person I feel closest to and most comfortable with. Because I knew how much it meant to her, I invited Mil over the day he was born. It wasn't the same. My DM bought me cooked meals, cleaned my house, generally just took care of us all and held a safe space for our new family. Mil, as much as she tried.. It was just different. She was just there to hold the cute baby, and that's fine, but not the same as my own DM caring for me.

sleepylittlebunnies · 04/10/2019 22:57

@saraclara not selfies but when my PIL and NanIL visited the same day DC was born in hospital they took multiple photos of DC, NanIL &DC, FIL &DC, MIL &DC then got me taking photos of the 3 of them with DC and PIL with DC.

It wasn’t until they left 2 hours later that I got my baby back that I realised they hadn’t taken a photo of DH, Me and DC. That would have meant handing him back though.

sleepylittlebunnies · 04/10/2019 23:11

@LovePoppy

Thank you for your words of support and understanding. Their overexcitement and DH’s inability to say no did spoil the early weeks of becoming a mum. On day 3 or 4 I remember sitting on the sofa with boobs as big and solid as watermelons with a hot cloth on one while trying to hand express the other for some relief. I had DS on my lap in an attempt to encourage the flow. PIL turned up unannounced, luckily DH sat them in another room but came and took DS from me because they’d come to have a cuddle.

I lost a lot of love and respect for him at that time, he was clueless to my needs even though I told him. It got to the point where I would go for a walk to the shop with DS in the sling when I knew they’d turn up to make it harder for them to take him off me, where if he was sleeping in his crib they’d just lift him up.

I ended up telling DH and PIL that I was starting a strict routine for naps and bedtime so 8.00 visiting had to stop and limited it to one weekend day because the other day DH played sport all day.

saraclara · 04/10/2019 23:15

My DM was at the birth of my DS because she is the person I feel closest to and most comfortable with. Because I knew how much it meant to her, I invited Mil over the day he was born. It wasn't the same. My DM bought me cooked meals, cleaned my house, generally just took care of us all and held a safe space for our new family. Mil, as much as she tried.. It was just different. She was just there to hold the cute baby, and that's fine, but not the same as my own DM caring for me.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me!
I wouldn't expect a mother in the first days after the birth, to feel the same about her MIL as he mum. Of course not! (Except for me it was the other way round - I adored my MIL - my mum was hard work)
I just think they should have equality in respect of meeting their grandchild. Not at the same moment, obviously, but not one having loads of access for a week, and the other not being allowed to meet them at all.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 23:20

just think they should have equality in respect of meeting their grandchild.

but again, it's nothing to do with the child here, it's about respecting the MOTHER. You can give equality to the grand-parents in a few months, but when the newborn does come with his mother, then it's up to her to decide if she feels ready for visitors. Her own mum is not the same - and your own daughter is never going to be the same as your daughter-in-law either.

saraclara · 04/10/2019 23:23

A few MONTHS?

BertrandRussell · 04/10/2019 23:27

Fuck me- months?

Sunshine1239 · 04/10/2019 23:28

If this is only about the mums not being up to it then how about when mum has a sleep, dad shows his parents the baby -while she rests?

No that won’t work or quit posters on here because it’s about bloody control !

Freddiefox · 04/10/2019 23:29

I don’t understand why you think you have no obligation to anyone just because you have just given birth. Are these “relatives” the same people you would go to for help if you were in trouble? The same people you expect to care when joyous life events happen to you? The people you are meant to love?

I agree with this, I think some people value their wider family more than others and some people are more giving in their nature.

Yubaba · 04/10/2019 23:29

I don’t understand how on MN every MIL is so awful.
When my dc were born my family were all welcome, and PIL are family. DH was so excited to show his children off, he also became a parent not just me. Yes I had done all the hard work but we are a team and our children are as much his as mine.
My dc have a great relationship with all their grandparents because we have all made an effort to get on and make it work.

Alittleodd · 04/10/2019 23:29

I may be revealing my lack of mothering instinct here but I don't understand why anyone would actually want to visit the baby multiple times over the first few weeks of its life. I mean.... It just sort of sits there (well, lies there) and is squishy and then it cries and makes horrendous smells.

I really don't get the fuss over newborns and the obsession with visiting them while they're fresh out of the oven.

Now visiting the parents, that I understand. So I guess the idea of visiting new parents (regardless of how I am related to them) when one or both of them isn't fully up for it just seems bizarre to me. And mega rude.

Freddiefox · 04/10/2019 23:31

No that won’t work or quit posters on here because it’s about bloody control

And these will be the same people moaning that the mil shows no interest in the gc, but forget they where shitty to them and excluded them in the early days.

whynuuur · 04/10/2019 23:32

They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA grin

I am sooo grateful I have a soon to be DIL that acknowledges I'm just as important as hers - and a son who would definitely not tolerate bias.

I'm extremely close to my son and have a lovely soon to be DIL - I would be so sad if we treat differently - so unfair