To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

[MakingABoobOfIt]

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA

I think she means in few months the visits will become on equal terms yes..
It might take 3 months or more for the mother to feel physically less dependent on someone helping her with personal care which is closer to being the mother yes.

Doesn’t mean MIL should t see the baby. She definitely should before that! But the frequency might be less because by default the mother is there to help her daughter recover more often..

If the visit is pre arranged, it can be done to accommodate the OPs wishes, ie when the PILs arrive, mum can go and have a sleep, have a bath, have a rest, and leave her DP/DH to show off the baby to his parents, even if just for half an hour. Then there is no detriment to the OP at all. That would only work though if the ops reasons for not having them there are genuine - if they aren’t, and her reasons are really just because she doesn’t want them around herself, DH or newborn or in fact within a mile of her home, then she still won’t be happy.

We enjoyed having everyone pile into the hospital room to celebrate with us and meet our little girl. I’m not particularly extroverted either. It’s such a special time for both sets of new grandparents.

I loved having people round. When I went into about a load of my family were there. I looked a hot mess but nobody cared. After the baby was born I was inundated with visitors, it was exhausting but also so lovely at the same time.

It’s not for everyone though.

@Sunshine1239

If this is only about the mums not being up to it then how about when mum has a sleep, dad shows his parents the baby -while she rests

Yeh, thats not what it's about. Well done for ignoring the posts on what it actually is about..
I couldn't have a fucking nap. I slept less than 10 hours in 6 days. I think another issue here is people thinking their own birth and feelings must be the same for every new mum.

And these will be the same people moaning that the mil shows no interest in the gc, but forget they where shitty to them and excluded them in the early days.

Yes! Exactly.

I never understand the whole - recovering so it’s too much hassle to have visitors thing...

Like, what do yous all do with visitors? Cook 3 course meals and sit in parlours?...

Normally when people come round, I make tea or coffee, maybe offer them a biscuit - when I’d just given birth my DP made tea instead, it only takes 5 minutes.

If I wanted to go to sleep I would have, anyone I wasn’t totally happy feeding in front of had to wait in the kitchen...

They never complained, so I’m assuming no-one cared.

Sunshine...totally agree..why would you not want people to meet your newborn.X

@saraclara

And these will be the same people moaning that the mil shows no interest in the gc, but forget they where shitty to them and excluded them in the early days.

Yes! Exactly.
What do you mean "yes! Exactly* where have I said anything if the sortsee this is the problem again, people lie you just assuming all this shit and blatantly ignoring how a struggling new mum ACTUALLY FEELS. It's actually pretty disgusting how you basically expect PILs override anything a new mum feels just because of the status of grandparent.

@tabulahrasa

I never understand the whole - recovering so it’s too much hassle to have visitors thing.
Well how about you read of people's experiences on here as to the reasons why they didn't feel up to it. I've said mine. No way in hell we were up to ANY visitors. My mum came to look after us.
People really need to stop protecting here!

Erm because I love my family and friends, wanted to share my baby with them and the relationships are genuine enough that neither party cared if I was in pyjamas or looked like I hadn't slept for a week. Also they made tea, brought provisions, some ran the hoover round or held DS so I could shower after DH went back to work.

@Grandmi

Sunshine...totally agree..why would you not want people to meet your newborn.x

OMG because I didn't want my PILS in the house when I was trying to establish breastfeeding, being milked by 2 midwives, no sleep, having gone through three days of labour. That's why!

I'm sure people are just being silly for the sake of it now!

@whynuuur I love my MIL, I'm back to work soon and she'll be looking after DS one day a week exactly the same as DM. My PIL actually met DS before my parents (by about half an hour), and we're already planning a holiday for next year, me , DH and DS both sets of GPs, DB, SIL and DNs. We're the kind of family MN hates or doesn't believe exists. (They also all have keys to our house).

But virtually no-one has said they'd let their PILs visit first because their own parents aren't nice.

My mother and I didn’t get along for most of my life. She was emotionally and mentally abusive to me and I had moved 4,000 miles away to protect myself. I was worried about her coming over, but I allowed it because it was the fair thing to do and I wanted to try for the sake of our son even though before children I said I would never want her around them. It was her first time ever visiting us. However, when she came over and stayed I didn’t feel the indifference I had to create to protect myself from her. She had had a sh*t labour as well with me and understood what I was going through. She asked and offered and knew when to step in and when not to. She even offered to do night feeds for us and did them, waking up every two hours to feed him. Just for doing that my husband says she is welcomed any time and can stay as long as she likes. I could also nurse in front of her without feeling the need to leave the room. I finally had left the area for the first time with him when we went sightseeing in London. I hadn’t felt up to it before.

I got on fine with my in-laws before baby and they were the first and would have been either way to see the baby but if I could go back, I’d rather they had waited a bit longer to come down or at least stayed in a hotel than with us the first week.

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook
Good for you. But since you had a fine experience doesn't mean it's the same for everyone, does it?

• I really don't get the fuss over newborns and the obsession with visiting them while they're fresh out of the oven.

Now visiting the parents, that I understand. So I guess the idea of visiting new parents (regardless of how I am related to them) when one or both of them isn't fully up for it just seems bizarre to me. And mega rude. *

All of this. I prefer when they’re a bit older, alert, smiling, and easily amused.

“Well how about you read of people's experiences on here as to the reasons why they didn't feel up to it.”

I did

My point was chuff all to do with how much recovering people needed to do and wondering what people do with visitors that they need to feel up to having them.

I personally don’t like to entertain when I’m in pain

@tabulahrasa I think there is often an assumption that visitors need to be hosted - I have friends who will clean, make sure there's no laundry hanging about, tidy up, insist on cooking food/providing baked goods etc.

People who know me well used to bring their own milk when they visited me on maternity leave. My mother still stops at the shop and calls me every time she visits. It's been 4 years. I have food in the house now. But still: every time. It took serious effort to get everyone to believe I was this utterly useless but those massively low expectations really do pay off in time.

I personally don’t like to entertain when I’m in pain
Why do they need entertaining though? They are family. Point them in the direction of the kitchen. Most people like to be helpful.

“I think there is often an assumption that visitors need to be hosted“

See my thinking on it is, people who visit fairly soon after birth are either family or close friends, who unless you’re actually not on good terms with (the that’s a different reason for not having them) should be capable of understanding that you’ve just given birth and have a newborn so they might have to put the kettle on or work round what you’re not reading to do...

Needing - not not reading, my phone is playing up

Why do they need entertaining though? They are family. Point them in the direction of the kitchen. Most people like to be helpful

I also believed this. A very close friend of mine has PIL who come in to her home, demand cups of tea, don't lift a finger to help and never say thank you. Her FIL often falls asleep on the sofa without even speaking to anyone. Lack of compliance (because you are, oh I don't know breastfeeding a two day old baby) results in a litany of complaints and snide comments. Of course I think she's gone above and beyond by even letting them in her house and if it were me I would have shown them the door and informed them they would be invited back when they can work a kettle but apparently some people have more manners than I do.

And sadly not everyone has the same idea of family.

“Lack of compliance (because you are, oh I don't know breastfeeding a two day old baby) results in a litany of complaints and snide comments”

But if she didn’t have them to visit, it’s not because she needs to recover, it’s because they’re not nice, which they won’t have been beforehand either...

I’m not saying oh have people round even if you know they’ll behave appallingly, but if you get on with them, I don’t see the big deal.

I've had 3DC. PILs are different from parents. I was the patient, I'd just given birth, I had stitches, there was stuff coming out of every orifice, every child took time to establish BFing. I needed my family who came to support me, not the ILs who would need entertaining and only cared about the baby. e.g. MIL (who is a lovely lovely woman) came to visit during 1 pregnancy, walked in the door, looked at DH and said 'Oh, poor love, you look exhausted'. He's her child, I was only a vessel for her grandchild, how I felt didn't matter in that moment. In contrast my Mum came and tidied the house, cooked all the meals, looked after me. when you are pregnant (and assuming you have a reasonable relationship with them) only your Mum will do.

Hmm I dunno, I don't think I'd want anyone round to visit if I was suffering from flu, so I definitely wouldn't want them while I'm passing fist size clots, still scared of ripping my stitches if I need a poo or cough too hard and feel like I've been run over by a truck while trying to get a screaming infant to latch on to my increasingly shredded nipples. But again, I'm in the camp of people who would expect early days visits to be for seeing the parents not the squishy infant. I wouldn't be opposed to said infant being removed from me and presented for inspection elsewhere but I can understand the viewpoint of those who would have an issue with that.

And some visitors really do expect you up and dressed and Kate Middletoning it for their enjoyment if they deign to drop round but I would say the category of badly behaved visitors. I imagine they would disagree.

(For the record I had DM, DSD and PIL visit me in the hospital - not all at the same time though, I'm not a lunatic - when I had DS so this isn't my personal experience, I had a lot more sleep and time for rest in the first couple of days due to my son being in SCBU and I wasn't really bothered about the state of me tbh)

So in summary: everyone should just do what makes them happy and feel comfortable and we should not expect everyone else's experience to match our own.

Peach, love and harmony etc.