I'm curious after reading all this what people think of me. I'm sure my ILS would describe me as having kept (and keeping) them away from baby.
For context we live in a different country to both parents but travel takes only a couple of hours by car. Think wales to England but not :-)
We have never had a good relationship. Mil especially. She always comments on my weight, compared me to other women, tells dh she saw such and such ex the other day and how beautiful she is now etc. Things came to a head at my wedding when she refused to speak to me on the day, told dh she did not approve, wore white etc all the typical cliches! Her main anger over the wedding was a decision dh had made but which I got the blame for (ironically I didn't care either way!) Anyway afterwards dh told her he was very disappointed in her and she appeared contrite for a little bit before slipping back into her old ways.
When I became pregnant she and FIL began messaging every other day, asking how their gc was, telling me to rest etc. This may seem nice but because of our history I just felt smothered and like they were only interested because of the baby. I felt like rent a womb tbh! Especially as mil rushed to put our scan pic on Facebook after we asked her not to (previous losses so a bit nervous).
Anyway! My birthing partners were my mum and dh. It was all fairly bad at the end. I ended up going to theatre so just dh, mum stayed to see us as we were wheeled out, checked I was okay and then left to stay at our house. She cleaned and filled our fridge with food! I had stitches, excess blood loss, baby had to have a lot of help, we both had infections etc. Because of this we had to stay in hospital two days to be observed and have various treatments.
When I came out of theatre late at night i asked dh to call/message his mum and dad so that I could then message my family. He did this. Unbeknownst to me they then started bombarding him with messages about when could they come down. Dh explained we were both unwell and asked them to wait until we knew more of what was going on.
The next day my dad drove to pick my mum up (she doesn't drive so had got a coach to us) and called into the hospital for half an hour. I was bed bound, hadn't been able to shower and had a catheter in situ. Thankfully bf had gone okay. I was slightly embarrassed but as it was just my mum and dad I could cope. I would have been frankly mortified to see anyone else. Especially as I kept falling asleep due to the medication I was on.
FIL had text dh at this point to tell him to tell me they were coming for half an hour. Dh said no and to wait until the second day when we could come home.
Second day comes, we arrive home and ILs arrive. FIL walks into the nursery where I am sat on a rocking chair with my baby, he literally lifted up his leg, farted three times and started talking to dh. He then came over to see the baby. He did not speak to me until he had been there at least 10-15 mins. They stayed for 3 hours, made comments about me not embarrassing people by breastfeeding in front of them, dumped six bin bags of random stuff in my kitchen for me to sort and left. I bit my tongue the entire time and let them pass round my son while I wanted to cry with pain and exhaustion.
Since giving birth FIL has set up a family WhatsApp for 'baby updates' without me in it. Dh has left it and refuses to engage. We seem them very rarely even though I have mentioned to Dh about inviting them he is not interested.
So yes, I believe parents are different to ILs. They may be equal in that they are both gps but they are not equal in terms of caring for the mother and the relationship there. I know some people will get on with their ILs brilliantly and that is great. It all depends on the people I think and if there is mutual respect.