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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why anyone would want relatives round straight after birth?

385 replies

MakingABoobOfIt · 04/10/2019 15:52

Extremely close family ((ie my mum and dad) is an exception to this rule, but I can’t bear this idea that family are somehow entitled to see a new baby, regardless of how the new parents feel. New parents have zero obligation to anyone, other than themselves and their new baby. They don’t need in-laws traipsing round while they’re trying to sleep/recover from the birth/feed the baby/have some family time. End of PSA

OP posts:

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 21:50

It's deliberately keeping one set away from meeting their grandchild for a week or more that's mean.

the other way to see it would be that the new mother is not comfortable having visitors for a week and people should have the most basic decency to wait until she is.
Husband and parents, even siblings, are family. If you can't see the difference between people who have known and lived with you since you were born and the parents of your partner that you've met a few years ago, then you have a very weird relationship with your own family.

Why that constant need to turn it into a power struggle? Wait for someone to be visitor ready, how hard can that be? Don't be so miffed because you are a visitor and not a close relative. You are not.

nildesparandum · 04/10/2019 21:51

Those who do not want relatives visiting should think themselves grateful they have relatives eager and happy to see them.
Your close family might get on your nerves but at least they want to see you and baby.
They should stop being so precious.

SunflowersNKittens · 04/10/2019 21:54

It’s not about power play or games. My OH and I are introverts. We need time on our own to recharge our batteries. It’s not about excluding anyone but more about people letting us know they are coming and letting us have our space when we need it.

Totally understand that others are opposite and thrive off the company of others but these situations are not a one size fits all. I think some of the posters on here need to be more respectful of that. New mothers have enough on their plates as it is!

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 21:54

Your close family might get on your nerves but at least they want to see you and baby.
They should stop being so precious.

if you read the thread, the issue is that some people don't have any interest in the mother and feel they have some right or ownership about a baby.

Calling someone who needs space and privacy "precious" is just stupid.

LovePoppy · 04/10/2019 22:06

Those who do not want relatives visiting should think themselves grateful they have relatives eager and happy to see them.

Why?

Why should people don’t want to respect their wishes?

managedmis · 04/10/2019 22:08

Totally agree. But it takes five years of parenting to realise you should have said no.

Sunshine1239 · 04/10/2019 22:09

Sorry but I find attitudes like this shit

Parents on both sides are equal. It’s plain possessiveness( that I admit even I had a little of with my first)

Common sense kicked in with future children and I’m shameful that I acted that way initially.

Bellendejour · 04/10/2019 22:10

I’m with you OP

nildesparandum · 04/10/2019 22:12

anyoneseenmykeys
Sorry if I sounded stupid.I am certainly not, but I admit to being very biased on this subject.My DH was working abroad when I had DC2 and I had the type of relatives who did not hang about.
I never had a fuss made a all. Sorry.

Alittleodd · 04/10/2019 22:13

My MIL would be a prime candidate for a "my DIL is so wicked and evil and kept me from my precious GC, only spawn of my only spawn" type post. I mean we didn't speak for over two years after my wedding due to how awful she was to me on the day and immediately after...

However - she had her in-laws foist themselves on her 12 hours after she gave birth to DH and expected feeding, accomodating and generally being waited on hand and foot. My FIL hadn't even met his son yet!

As such she was the model MIL in the run up to birth and in the weeks/months after.

So maybe the bright side of entitled relatives who think you should be grateful they wish to come and view your offspring with no regard for your well-being is that they are creating the next generation of considerate MILs.

TurquoiseDress · 04/10/2019 22:15

Hmm depends on how soon "straight after the birth" is

with DC2 last year we were home from hospital within around 24 hours of the birth and the following day we had my parents and siblings and their children around to visit

DC2 was barely 48 hours old. I do have nice memories of this, they came with lovely gifts for us all including DC1 and they only stayed for a couple of hours so it was fine

I think I was still on a post birth high!

It was a different story when the in-laws turned up 1 week later and then proceeded to stay in our home for 1 month...by then I had hormones all over the place, struggling with BF and hadn't wanted them to stay with us for any longer than 1 week (I thought I was being fucking generous on this one, DH was outraged I was so unwelcoming! )

I must add that up until the birth of DC2 I had a nice relationship with my PIL, we got on well. They have not been to visit us since, and funnily enough DH and my relationship has not been the same every since

TurquoiseDress · 04/10/2019 22:16

*ever since

kittycatloveyou · 04/10/2019 22:17

Have a think about it OP. If you have a DS and when his DW has a baby they tell you her DM can come to see the baby but you can’t because your the MIL.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 22:18

Parents on both sides are equal.
of course they are not . The new mother, who has just been in labour for hours, is pissing blood, exhausted, sore, occasionally with stitches is not equal with the father who couldn't do much more than holding her hand.

The relationship with her own parents is nowhere near the same as it is with in-laws. Some women might be very happy with a lot of visitors, but others can't handle them.

What is shit is still treating mothers like second class citizen, and thinking that older relatives or inlaws know better. They don't .

No one is saying you shouldn't have visitors, the whole point is that you should do what you want after giving birth.

anyoneseenmykeys · 04/10/2019 22:20

If you have a DS and when his DW has a baby they tell you her DM can come to see the baby but you can’t because your the MIL.

so?

Sunshine1239 · 04/10/2019 22:20

This is about the baby by not the mother. My in laws had as much right as my parents and both met dd at same time.

It’s won’t all about the mum you know! Only on mumsnet are people so selfish and self centred

kittycatloveyou · 04/10/2019 22:21

Have a think about it OP. If you have a DS when his DW has a baby and they tell you her DM can come see the baby but you can’t. Very mean. All GP should be treated equally.

Horehound · 04/10/2019 22:22

@kittycatloveyou

Have a think about it OP. If you have a DS and when his DW has a baby they tell you her DM can come to see the baby but you can’t because your the MIL.it's not that it's because she is trlhe MIL, it's because she Isn't the mum!
If I become a MIL I will completely understand having gone through it myself. Also surprising because the MIL also has and should know what it's like! I'm sure any one whose a MIL would have preferred their mum over their own MIL..

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 22:22

kittycatloveyou

But why should they have to “say” it. I think it’s bloody something to expect.

The MIL is welcome to be the one to come
And stay when her son pops a watermelon out of his arse. My mother won’t be at all keen to compete.

I think they should both see the baby as soon as they want. But I don’t think the MIL should feel entitled to be treated the same as the mother in this occasion.

The baby isn’t the patient recovering . The mum is.

But yes by all means see the grandchild without dismissing the fact his mother has her own needs...

It’s really not complicated

Dreambigger · 04/10/2019 22:25

To give another perspective on this we have no close family (in laws passed on and my parents completely disinterested) so have had no family visitors ...which can feel a bit sad. maybe just lay down some boundaries, enjoy this special time and don't overthink it. At the end of the day babies grow up really fast and the newborn stage ( which is what people want to be involved in) is over and visitors really drop off...

saraclara · 04/10/2019 22:26

Then the baby will get a bit older and suddenly people like the OP will be wanting free childcare from the people she wouldn't even let see their grandchild for a few minutes in its first weeks.

I found the photos of my dad, now long dead, holding my first born (about two days old) the other day. The love in his eyes made me tear up. He was the least demonstrative of people and a very shy man. But holding his first grandchild let out somethign very special in his face.
I never realised how much grandparenthood meant, back when I had just given birth. It took time for me to realise just how deeply grandparents love their grandkids. I wish I'd known it then, because, like another poster, I now regret some selfish things I did back then that must have hurt them a little. They never said anything, but I could have been a lot more empathetic.

saraclara · 04/10/2019 22:28

If I become a MIL I will completely understand having gone through it myself.

Ha! I bet you won't.

You do know that ALL MIL's have been through it themselves, don't you?

LovePoppy · 04/10/2019 22:30

*This is about the baby by not the mother. My in laws had as much right as my parents and both met dd at same time.

It’s won’t all about the mum you know! Only on mumsnet are people so selfish and self centred*

How dare women not be happy just being incubators for their inlaws/families next generation! The uppity nerve!

MrsNotNice · 04/10/2019 22:30

saraclara

Im struggling to see what’s your point. Do you honestly believe all MIL are innocent when the dynamic sounds complicated and toxic? And that it’s always by default the DIL who wants to aggravate the situation and be self centred??

I have seen vile attitudes from both sides.. humans can be vile from all generations.. why make assumptions ?!

Horehound · 04/10/2019 22:32

@saraclara

If I become a MIL I will completely understand having gone through it myself.

Ha! I bet you won't.

You do know that ALL MIL's have been through it themselves, don't you?

Er I will because I was so glad they stayed away! And yes I do which is why I said it is surprising MIL'S do expect to be seen straight away because I bet they didn't like it with their own MIL. I bet they wanted their own mum not MIL.
Some people just don't like the truth. Meh.

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