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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend DC was named after my Dad

408 replies

MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 10:38

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 04/10/2019 13:15

My mum and I have a very open honest relationship so I may just ask her what she thinks as I’m pretty certain she’ll be 100% honest.

Please don't.

Would she be 100% honest? - I'm not sure, she's certainly done a very, very too good job of swallowing down a lot of how she feels for you to genuinely not feel even a bit Hmm at the idea of naming your child after a father like this.

Why don't you give her the privilege of being the blissfully ignorant one for a change, and have the grace to just know how she would feel deep down about this, and just drop it and not even give her the hurt of knowing you'd even considered it?

Oh and George is really a very mundane choice - pretty overused, 'royally' boring and just not that intertesting a choice...

Dljlr · 04/10/2019 13:16

I'm raising my son with little financial help from my useless ex, who is a complete Disney dad who gets involved when there's an opportunity to splash some pics on Facebook and show everyone how marvelous he is. Like your mum did, I have never ever let on about this to my son - but either he'll see it for himself as he matures, or I'll end up pointing it out one day. It would absolutely gut me if he named his child after a man who abandoned us both and had fuck all input into his life. Just choose another name.

picknmixer · 04/10/2019 13:16

Please don't mention it to your hard working mum. Imagine her situation? She shields you from his neglect and financial abuse all your childhood and then her grandchild - who she will not doubt look after much more than your dad - is named after her dead beat ex. Just don't. Hearing you describe her she'll say it's fine, no matter how much she is hurt and once again your dad will be the beneficiary of her parental unconditional love.

Put your mum first.

KUGA · 04/10/2019 13:17

I named my first son after my dad and when I told him he burst into tears and promptly got as drunk as a lord.

stucknoue · 04/10/2019 13:18

Unless you are using it to honour your dad it's not a good idea.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/10/2019 13:18

'Baby George'

'Young George'

'Little George'

urgh

KUGA · 04/10/2019 13:20

OOOOPS.
Sent too soon,
I would tell your dad the baby is named after him and I don`t think your dm will have an issue with it.

Menandsecondfamilies · 04/10/2019 13:20

I’d be absolutely devastated if my daughter did this to me 😭

She’s shielded you from so much.

EssentialHummus · 04/10/2019 13:21

No, I wouldn't OP. I think it's worth starting another thread on MN about names similar to George for suggestions - Arthur, Albert, Edwin, James, Henry?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/baby_names/3057257-Boys-names-like-George

ElizaPancakes · 04/10/2019 13:22

I’m normally about the most laid back you can get about baby names, but honestly I don’t think your mum will be able to let it go even with the explanation he’s not really named after your dad. I also think she’d likely not be truthful with you about it so as to spare your feelings and then cry when alone. I think I would.

I agree with @FizzyGreenWater - I think your mum has done a sterling job of protecting you from the hurt from your dad and this will really upset her.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 04/10/2019 13:23

George is a nice name, but it’s not exactly unique and sparkly enough to risk really hurting your mother.

There’s loads of other solid names in the same vein which won’t be as loaded.

Babybel90 · 04/10/2019 13:23

I’d pick another name. Everyone, and I mean everyone will think he’s named after your dad.

We both loved the name Sophie for our DD but it was also the name of one of DHs aunties by marriage, she a nice enough woman but we didn’t want anyone to think we’d named our DD after her, I think it would have caused upset with other family members that we’re closer to and it would have just been a bit weird!

Lllot5 · 04/10/2019 13:24

My grandson has my ex’s name as a middle name.
I was hugely upset by this. I have never and will never say any thing but it hurts. A lot.
Would they have named a daughter after me? I doubt it because my name is not fashionable.
Please think again and chose something else.

LemonYumYums · 04/10/2019 13:25

I’ve been where your Mum is. The little digs that you describe are the tip of the iceberg of hurt that she covers for your sake, which is why they slip out after a drink. Please, take it from me, even if she smiles and says she doesn’t mind, it will hurt her dreadfully. For the sake of all she’s been through, and all she’s done for you, please choose another name.

RomaineCalm · 04/10/2019 13:25

Another vote for using it as a middle name, possibly with your mum's maiden name as an additional name.

So, for example, George MummytoBe becomes Oliver George Macintosh MummytoBe.

Ellie56 · 04/10/2019 13:26

Your mum is so lovely, she's protected you from all your deadbeat dad's crap so well that you think the sun shines out of his arse. Don't do this to her.

And I agree George is a very uninteresting name and there will be loads of them around because of Prince George.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/10/2019 13:28

I'm in the mum's position too and yet I wouldn't take it as a personal insult or think she'd 'done this to me'. I'm happy that my DD loves her dad. That's what I wish for her. Children deserve good relationships with both parents. There's no need to be bitter. It just leaves children feeling incredibly guilty and hurts their self esteem.

Rivkka · 04/10/2019 13:28

I agree with all the others, really unfair to ask your mum to be reminded of her loser ex everytime she says your DS name

MyCatHatesEverybody · 04/10/2019 13:30

How would you feel if you had a girl and the baby's father insisted on using the same name as an ex girlfriend who'd caused you loads of trouble and hardship? I imagine it's similar to how your mum might feel if you go ahead with this.

ollo · 04/10/2019 13:32

I wouldn't ask your mum and put her in a tough spot. I would choose a different name as I imagine picking that one would really hurt her feelings and your dad was in fact a deadbeat dad whether you realised it or not as a child.

Teddybear45 · 04/10/2019 13:32

I would choose another name to make your mum happy. She shouldered your entire childhood by herself, the least you can do is respect her by not naming your child after your absent dad.

BlockedandDeleted · 04/10/2019 13:34

Echoing everyone else, even if she doesn't say anything it would cause a world of pain to your Mum and give your Dad the idea that his absent parenting was ab.so.lute.ly fiiiiine.

What about Gregory?

Or Fred?

Or James?

Zeldasmagicwand · 04/10/2019 13:34

Honestly, I don't think you'll really appreciate what your mum went through managing on her own until you've had a few months looking after your own little one. Unless you've suffered an abusive childhood, most of us gain a newfound respect for what our mums have done for us after a few sleepless nights, worrying when they develop a temperature etc.

Chances are, you might feel annoyed with yourself for using your dad's name at that point. Sad

Xmasbaby11 · 04/10/2019 13:34

Choose another name.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 04/10/2019 13:35

No.

Not unless you want to hurt your mother. And, why would you want to do that? She didn't abandon you.

No.