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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend DC was named after my Dad

408 replies

MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 10:38

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 04/10/2019 12:17

And good lord, reading between the lines here - if he was actually actively 'absent for a lot of your childhood' and your Mum now 'gets on like a house on fire' with him - presumably for your sake - she's a bloody bigger woman than I would be. Honour her, not him!

He bloody walked away and ho do ho, here he is all comfy now back in the nest in time to enjoy his grandchildren with all the hard work done. Honestly how could you bear to name your child after him?

Wintersnowdrop · 04/10/2019 12:18

I think it would be hurtful to your mum to use the name of your useless father. Surely it would remind her of him every time she used your son’s name? I’d chose something else.

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 04/10/2019 12:20

Choose a different name OP.

There are thousands and thousands of names, some haven't even been dreamt up yet. Just choose something else to keep the peace imo.

pikapikachu · 04/10/2019 12:20

I'd pick another name because I wouldn't want my child to have to lie to his grandparents.

Napqueen1234 · 04/10/2019 12:21

I think in order to make an informed choice we need to know the name....

Magpiesalute · 04/10/2019 12:22

Sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear but please choose another name, for your mum’s sake.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/10/2019 12:22

I honestly think this is the only name-related thread I've ever read where no, I'm not even interested for a moment in knowing what the name is!

RedskyLastNight · 04/10/2019 12:22

I'm surprised you can "love" a name that is also the name of the father who was absent during most of your childhood.
Whenever I meet anyone with the same name as my school bully (for example) I always instantly get negative connotations, however lovely the person is!

I'm wondering if you subconsciously do want to name the child after your father

Hughesallison · 04/10/2019 12:23

Make a variation of your mother's name if you want to show respect to anyone's name. I can't imagine how difficult life must have been for her to bring up a 6 years old by herself. You are being very harsh. Think again. Think how you would feel if your partner left you and your son went on to marry and have a child and named that child after your partner who left to bring up your child by yourself. He didn't even give your mother any money, how did he think you would live - on fresh water and air?. Pisses me off these sort of useless men.

BlueJava · 04/10/2019 12:24

I'd also choose another name, could be pretty hurtful for your mum and obviously a name is something that stays around (rather than a 1 off incident).

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2019 12:25

Yeah tell your mom the truth

BadTimesAtTheElRoyale · 04/10/2019 12:26

I would be really hurt if my DD did this, Her father left when she was 18 months old and purposefully left the police force and went self employed so as to not a pay a penny in CM. He hasn't spoken or contacted her for the last 7 years, she is 20 now. Even if it was her favourite name in the world she associates it with him so wouldn't use it and if she did I think sadly it would damage our relationship as I am not sure I could entirely get past seeing it as a tribute to the arsehole.

applebe · 04/10/2019 12:28

I would choose another name personally. In essence you are naming him after your father and I wouldn't really be surprised if your mum was offended by it.

I also would never choose a name already in the family anyway.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/10/2019 12:29

We did this but didn't announce 'he's named after you', it speaks for itself. DS wasn't named after him but he wasn't not named after him, if that makes sense. Meaning, if there were negative feelings towards my dad then obviously I'd have been put off the name.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/10/2019 12:30

Tbh there's no way I would name a baby the same name as your df who was an absent dad. I feel like that would be really crap for your dm.

SoyDora · 04/10/2019 12:31

You realise your mother is going to have to say her ex's name every time she speaks to or about her grandchild?

This. What a kick in the teeth for your mum.

bgmama · 04/10/2019 12:32

I will have to go against the grain here and say that the OP can call her child whatever she and her DP want for whatever reason they want. Whatever happened in her parents' relationship is between themselves, and by the sounds of it the OP is tired of being caught in the middle of this couple who have divorced long time ago but who still feel the need for little digs at each other. I was in a similar situation when naming my DC and the "aggrieved" grandparent complained a little at the beginning and then got used to it.

LadyJaneGrey56 · 04/10/2019 12:33

So he was an absent parent, didn't contribute and turns back up to play happy families now that you're all grown up and easier to be a "dad" to. Yet you want to name your first child after him? Utterly baffling and disrespectful to your poor mum who would raised you, presumably alone. Also, I'm another one who can't really believe or understand the "we just love the name it's nothing to do with him" line. How can the name NOT remind you of the parent who abandoned you Confused
Please pick another name.

WatcherintheRye · 04/10/2019 12:34

Have it as a middle name.

Rainbowknickers · 04/10/2019 12:35

When my mother was pregnant with me they wanted a name that wasn’t in the family
Finally settled on my name
My grandad waited until they had named me made it all official and proudly told them that he’d got an aunt (long dead) with my name!
You would not believe the amount of shit that created!
Please use another name-if my kids did that to me I’d be in bits

Jellybeansincognito · 04/10/2019 12:35

Yeah, I agree with the majority. It would be heavily disrespectful towards your mum to do this.

I don’t think you realise how much your parents do for you until you’re in the thick of it and actually have a child/ children to fend for. Understanding the impact of what your father did and how much your mother went through doing it alone in the future, I think this name choice could become a regret.

raspberryk · 04/10/2019 12:37

Another vote for middle name here

EileenAlanna · 04/10/2019 12:38

Once your child is born & you experience what it is to be a mother, especially the very early years that the child will never remember but you'll never forget, you'll get a deeper understanding of all your DM did for you & how hard her life must have been going it alone with no money, all the sacrifices she made for you on a daily basis out of love for you, compared to the waste of space who fathered you. If you name your DC after your "father" you'll look at him in later years & ask yourself what on earth have I done, what have I done.
We don't expect anything from our children but it's heartbreaking for us when they turn round & kick us in the teeth. Don't do this to your mother, she doesn't deserve it.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 04/10/2019 12:38

My DS's middle name is my stepfather's. Nothing to do with SF, just a name we liked.
That's what we told every one. My dad wasn't upset and SF knows the truth. (Although I'd have been happy to have both SF and Dad's names as middle because it would have been nice to use both, but FIL would have thrown a huge tantrum.

diddl · 04/10/2019 12:38

Can't imagine why you'd want your son to have the same name as your absent father tbh.

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