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Original poster

To pretend DC was named after my Dad

408 replies

MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 10:38

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 04/10/2019 12:40

I think as others here have said ,it would be rather unkind to use the name of someone who has treated your DM so badly .I realise there are 2 sides to everything ,but she has had the day to day work of bringing you up by herself, and has doubtless made many sacrifices along the way.Even if you have a good relationship with him ,I think she will feel very hurt TBH.

Sashkin · 04/10/2019 12:43

What is the name? (Unless it’s Gandalf or something it won’t be outing)

Maybe there’s a variant? So if your dad’s name is John, go with Jonathan? Much easier to convince somebody “you justcreally liked the name” of it’s not identical.

And PP, it’s perfectly possible your sister really likes your aunt’s name! I really like one of my aunt’s names, nothing to do with the aunt herself who I’m not particularly close to (I have seven aunts if you include wives of uncles, it would be odd if I didn’t like any of their names). And I imagine you’d need to do a bit more sucking up than just naming a child after somebody in order to get an inheritance.

TheDarkPassenger · 04/10/2019 12:46

What a kick in the teeth to your mum!

Choose another name, there are millions

drowningincustard · 04/10/2019 12:48

Please read your last paragraph again...
"I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up." A name is important - there is a lot of symbolism involved if you are using known family names.
"Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!" Then don't bloody use that name.

1forAll74 · 04/10/2019 12:48

I would keep the name that you like, you like it,and that's that. I can't believe that some people get their knickers in a twist about the naming of a baby,when the parents choose one. Despite everything that went on years ago,you say that your parents are ok together now.

I have heard so many people worrying about naming a new baby,because someone else won't like it, or hates the name etc, It's so very silly.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 04/10/2019 12:50

Pick another name.

I think there is a phenomenon around weddings, having a baby, graduations etc where people really want to pretend they have a picture perfect family and life. They suddenly gloss over all past neglects, hurt, abuse etc.

Your Dad was a deadbeat dad when you were little. You don't have the kind of dad who is worthy of this honour, even though it would be so so so lovely at this moment in your life to have a dad like that.

I'm sorry OP. I hope you find another name you love and that is less fraught for all of you.

littlehappyhippo · 04/10/2019 12:53

@MummyToBe89Going against the grain here, but I think you should use the name for your baby if you love it. It is your DAD'S name after all. You are entitled to use it, and your mother needs to get over it.

If your dad had had an affair, and you were naming a girl after his affair partner/the woman your dad left your mum for, I would get your mum being angry and upset. But you are entitled to use your DAD'S name FGS... Especially as your mum and dad get on now.

brilliotic · 04/10/2019 12:54

Is there something more going on here, between you and your DH/DP?

Is it that he doesn't like any of the other names you do like - only this one - and the difficulties it would create with your family 'don't matter', whereas his random preferences matter a lot?

OTOH I can imagine that I would not associate a name with a person who has been absent from my life for a couple of decades or so. So it would be possible to use that name. Though it seems your DM clearly is not so far 'over him' that it is just a name, seeing as she still makes 'digs' and such.

justheretostalk · 04/10/2019 12:55

Please pick another name.

That is so hurtful to your mum.

littlehappyhippo · 04/10/2019 12:56

@1forAll74

I would keep the name that you like, you like it,and that's that. I can't believe that some people get their knickers in a twist about the naming of a baby,when the parents choose one. Despite everything that went on years ago, you say that your parents are ok together now.

I have heard so many people worrying about naming a new baby,because someone else won't like it, or hates the name etc, It's so very silly.

Agree with this.. I never understand why anyone - EVER - thinks other people should dictate what their baby is called.

Friend or foe, relative or friend, mother, or SIL, or granny, or MIL, or cousin, or aunt. I don't answer to anyone (and never have.) The names of my kids were mine and DH's business - no-one else's.

A very good friend who I had known since we were 7 called her baby the exact same Christian name and middle name as I had called my first born when she had her 5 months after. Did I care? Did I fuck.

Some people are too precious and entitled for words.

@MummyToBe89 call your baby what name you want. It's really got fuck-all to do with anyone else.... seriously!

KatyCarrCan · 04/10/2019 12:58

You can't use the name without upsetting your DM (and I'm imagine her wider family so grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). I think you should pick another name.
Your DC has to live with it and your DM and your DF are both going to view it as a comment on your relationship with your DF.

SoyDora · 04/10/2019 13:02

Friend or foe, relative or friend, mother, or SIL, or granny, or MIL, or cousin, or aunt. I don't answer to anyone (and never have.) The names of my kids were mine and DH's business - no-one else's

I mean yeah, of course you can have that attitude and in the main I agree with you.
However in this case there’s a strong possibility that this could really hurt her mum’s feelings. Her mum who has brought her up, cared for her, provided for her emotionally and financially in the absence of her father.
I wouldn’t choose to do that, if it could be avoided.

ShadowSardines · 04/10/2019 13:02

I think it's completely different to use the same name as a friend or family member to the OP's situation -- I agree that no one owns a name.

I don't even mean her mother's feelings particularly, but I think it's pretty disingenuous to pretend you are not calling a baby after your father even though you are giving the baby the same name as your father. By definition, that is calling the baby after your father, and it opens the door to your mother and PILs assuming that this may well be the pattern for all subsequent children, and expecting baby 2, if forthcoming, to be named after them.

To be honest, the oddest thing for me in this situation is that, if we are to believe the OP, she came up with the name independently, and doesn't really think of it as her father's name. I could imagine that being the case if she'd never known her father at all, but not in the circumstances she describes.

Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 13:02

Thank you for all your comments, it’s certainly opened my eyes.

I don't associate the name with my “deadbeat Dad”. I live my Dad dearly and never felt he was absent until I grew up a bit and my DM pointed out that I only ever saw him if I phoned and asked to go and see him, I also never knew he didn’t give her money etc. So I grew up thinking my dad was a loving, caring Dad. Obviously now I’m older I see the hard work my Mum did in her own.

My mum and I have a very open honest relationship so I may just ask her what she thinks as I’m pretty certain she’ll be 100% honest.

The name is George, so any other other suggestions would be welcomed.

OP posts:
northerngirl2012 · 04/10/2019 13:03

I'd pick another name. Also if you have more DC is there the obligation to then name one of them after DH family side?

I just wouldn't worry about it, choose another name even if its similar but not the same Eg James - Jamie

ThomasRichard · 04/10/2019 13:03

What FizzyGreenWater said. It would be very hurtful and disrespectful to your mum. There are thousands of names. Pick another one.

DowntonCrabby · 04/10/2019 13:05

I’d honestly choose a different name.

My DS is names after my DF and it is assumed by everyone that’s that’s why and comes up often in conversation. It’s unlikely to be a conversation you only have once.

Unless DM/ DF/ overlapping family are unlikely to ever be present at the same event.

Namechange8471 · 04/10/2019 13:06

Please use a different name!

No offence but George isn't exactly the greatest name, use it as a middle name if you must?

Lalapurple · 04/10/2019 13:07

I would just ask your mum what she thinks - she might not care. This thread is projecting a lot of feelings on her but not everyone feels the same way about names.

flouncyfanny · 04/10/2019 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onthebusoctopus · 04/10/2019 13:08

I think go for the name of you love it and just ask your mum how she feels

snowball28 · 04/10/2019 13:10

Can you use it as a middle name instead? I think your mum will be incredibly hurt even though you wouldn’t mean to hurt her of course. I don’t think I’d be able to do that to my mum if I was in your shoes 😬

Toastymash · 04/10/2019 13:10

Name the baby whatever you like and don't worry too much what your parents think.

My parents are also separated and I tried to play this game to keep them both happy. It all ends in tears. Just focus on your baby and let them think whatever they like.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/10/2019 13:12

Would posters please be mindful of the fact that the OP is half of her father, when referring to him as a deadbeat, her mother's ex etc? The man is her dad irrespective of her mum's (justified possibly) feelings.
One of the reasons I never speak ill of my ex when I certainly think it, is because I'm well aware that it could impact DD's self esteem, knowing that biologically half of him. She is no mistake and neither is OP. Making everything about the mum isn't fair on the child.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/10/2019 13:15

What I was trying to get across before I made a hash of my point, is that OP wouldn't be disrespectful to name her son after her father. She shouldn't feel bad about honouring him if he sees it that way. In an ideal world, all children would love both their parents, not be tiptoeing around one of them through fear of upsetting the other.