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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend DC was named after my Dad

408 replies

MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 10:38

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

OP posts:
youngestisapsycho · 04/10/2019 13:36

George is one of the most common boys names! I'd def be looking for another name...

whiskersonkittenss · 04/10/2019 13:36

I'd pick another name

5zeds · 04/10/2019 13:36

I’d think of another name.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/10/2019 13:37

By the time your baby is about 10, you’ll really start to understand the sacrifice your mother made for you. Then you’ll feel embarrassed by your current dilemma. Choose another name. It doesn’t matter how well she currently gets on - or appears to get on - with your dad. She sounds like a wonderful woman. You should do nothing to hurt her.

Couchpotato3 · 04/10/2019 13:37

I don't think you've listened to the very good reasons people have given you not to choose this name. Asking your Mum about it is as bad as doing it because she will feel obliged to tell you that it's fine, whatever her real feelings on the matter. The fact that you came on here to ask shows that deep down you know it's not the right thing to do. Have a word with yourself right now.

Butchyrestingface · 04/10/2019 13:37

Another vote for a different name. This one is way too loaded.

Your poor mother will probably be reminded of her ex husband everytime she uses her grandson’s name.

Ellie56 · 04/10/2019 13:39

'Baby George'

'Young George'

'Little George'

George Junior

George 2

Mummy ToBe's George Hmm

Yuck no. Just no.

Suggestions:

Alfie Alexander Jacob Joseph Henry James Thomas Michael Isaac Matthew Charlie Jack Theo Oscar Freddie Leo Joshua Ethan

Morgan12 · 04/10/2019 13:39

I honestly think it's really shit of you to do that your mum.

Butchyrestingface · 04/10/2019 13:40

These ultrasound scans aren’t 100% accurate, are they?

You gonna call it Georgina if it turns out to be a girl.

WizardOfAus · 04/10/2019 13:41

I’d go with James instead.
Classic and strong. 💪

ASandwichNamedKevin · 04/10/2019 13:42

I also never knew he didn’t give her money etc. So I grew up thinking my dad was a loving, caring Dad. Obviously now I’m older I see the hard work my Mum did in her own.
If you grew up not knowing that he wasn't financially contributing then that is thanks to your mum shielding you from the truth and being the bigger person and not badmouthing him. Which I believe was the right thing for her to do, putting her child before her own feelings as a parent should.
It's also right that when you were older that she did d let you know so you could form an opinion of him as a person as well as as your father. Loving him and acknowledging the kind of person he is are both possible.

If you ask your mum who has put you first all these years she's either going to say she doesn't mind, so would you believe her, or say she does mind and have you and your OH resenting her.

I would find another name.
If you like George as a name then another classic royal name might work.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/10/2019 13:43

No don’t ask your mum. The pain of the suggestion will hit her regardless of whether you use it or not, plus you put the responsibility of your choice on her.

Sounds like she had more than enough line responsibility for things when you were a kid.

Be kind, don’t burden her with this, and choose a new name.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/10/2019 13:43

*lone responsibility

NailsNeedDoing · 04/10/2019 13:44

I'm genuinely shocked at the amount of responses saying this would be hurtful to your mum. If she's been a good enough woman to have you grow up feeling completely loved and supported by your Dad despite his shortcomings, and she is able to get on great with him now, then it's likely that she's not petty enough to make you and your dh naming your son about her.

If it were a particularly unusual name then it might be a bit odd for her, but George is clearly a well liked name, an heir to the throne has it ffs!

If anything, I'd have thought she'd be fine with the name just now, but if in future you had a girl and didn't honour her name then, she could well be disappointed. Maybe that's something to think about.

billy1966 · 04/10/2019 13:44

Like everyone else OP, don't spoil your babies birth with a shit show of drama by calling the child your dad's name.

There is absolutely no way that that will not hurt your mother.

What if you were to subsequently have a DD, how would you not feel compelled to call her after your mother, because of the upset you caused.

Men whom don't pay for their children are a disgrace.
Delighted for you that you get on well with him now, but it doesn't alter the fact he was a disgrace when you were young.

I have the greatest respect for what your mother accomplished. So should you.

Best of luck with the birth💐

Dillydallyingthrough · 04/10/2019 13:44

Why don't you discuss it with your DM if your close?

My DDs Df left when she was under 1, hasn't paid anything in maintenance, contact is sporadic and hes generally shit.

However if my DD said she loved his name (could happen she loves his unusual name) and wanted to name her child that, I would be ok with it. I would have to get over my own hang ups about the name, he isn't the only one named it. I would rather my DD chose a name she was set on and loved.

NearlyGranny · 04/10/2019 13:45

I think the distinction between you really liking the name and naming your DS after your father will be lost on your DM.

You risk launching the relationship between GM and GS on the wrong foot. How will they both feel as he grows up and she feels uncomfortable even saying his name? She might get past this; she might not. What I can't understand is why you would set this situation up in the first place just for a name!

It's not too late: try to fall for something different. Other, solid, English names are available and won't lead to him being George X forever to distinguish him from the three other George's in his class.

What about Victor? Stanley (journalist and explorer) is poised for a comeback; Edward/Edwin/Edmund are all solid names. David is rare these days (though more Welsh, I guess) or even Patrick if you want a national Saint! I had Peter ready for my last if she'd been a boy. Rarer still there's Mungo (explorer Mungo Park) or Odo (Will the conq's brother and Archbishop of Canterbury.)

Or why not track both families back until you have a bunch of surnames and see if one of those appeals?

5zeds · 04/10/2019 13:46

Joseph, because its a name associated with staying and raising the baby.

I think this could be a change in your relationship with your mum. It sounds like she’s tried hard to create a bubble for you to be happy in. Time to start doing that for her.

billy1966 · 04/10/2019 13:47

Oh and if your were to name him after your father, your mother will have to listen the endless oohs and aahs at him being named after his grandfather.

No matter how adult and together your mother is, that would most likely sting.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 04/10/2019 13:48

In an ideal world, all children would love both their parents, not be tiptoeing around one of them through fear of upsetting the other.

In an ideal world parents would not be able to fuck off out of their child's life, make no financial contribution and then come back when it suited them but it happens all the time.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/10/2019 13:53

I agree, it does Sandwich. And I'm living it, but it's not the children's fault. They shouldn't carry the burden or feel guilt. They deserve to just know love and at least have relationships with their parents on their own terms. What I've dealt with with my ex is not what my DD will deal with, I refuse.

Longlongsummer · 04/10/2019 13:56

Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc. that’s just the painful isn’t it?

Where would you be without her? She did everything.

No your Dad shouldn’t get any honors regarding your child, and I wouldn’t want my child growing up thinking in any way that my name is from a Dad who didn’t pull his weight - not good for them either.

Graphista · 04/10/2019 13:56

If you attempt to discuss it with your mum you are placing a huge burden on her of not wanting to upset you while you're pregnant!

All this will do will force her to tell you it's fine (when it's absolutely not its a slap in the face for all she did and put up with from your dads appalling behaviour) and salve your conscience.

Seriously, as so many pps have said choose another name!

There are quite literally millions there will be one you will be just as happy with which won't be a lifelong insult to your mother who you owe a lot of respect and gratitude to.

This is her grandchild too and quite honestly she deserves a lot more consideration than your father or I would say on this matter (with the background) to a certain degree yourself.

I actually think it would be cruel to her to go ahead with this name.

Longlongsummer · 04/10/2019 13:57

Painful truth... sorry!

Quickcook · 04/10/2019 13:57

Op my Opinion is slightly different to the majority but please consider it.

I think your mum would get over this.

I’m actually more concerned that you could live to regret this big style in future, and it may impact you more than your mum.
Babies and children can be really really hard work and draining at times, and you don’t really know how hard it can be until you are in the thick of it.
And when you have really difficult periods like going through an awkward sleep stage, worrying about money, struggling with childcare, you will be reminded that your mum shouldered all of this on her own.
And everyone thinks you named your ds after your dad, the man who was the cause of your mum being in this position.

I think later on it could cause you to feel guilt and even regret.
Name regret can get some women really down, you do see threads on here about it.

My humble opinion but there you go.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I hope whatever you choose you are 100% confident and happy it’s the right choice.