To pretend DC was named after my Dad

[MummyToBe89]

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I can't see why not. Just tell them slightly different versions of the truth, which is that you like the name and it's a bonus that it's also a family name.

Honestly if it were me I'd choose another name.

I'd pick another name, too.

I agree with Errol. Sit your mum down and tell her the truth before the baby gets here. Maybe give him a male version of her name if one exists as a middle name, so she doesn't feel left out. (Nothing you can do if there isn't a male version.) And then say something like "Well, we both loved the name, but it's really special that it's your name too!" to your dad.

Honestly, I wouldn't use the name.

Yes I can see how that would be very hurtful for your mum. 'Get in little digs'- do you mean tell the truth, about how actually this man left you high and dry as kids and didn't give a shit?

If she really did shoulder the entire responsibility of raising you and providing all financial support then not using a particular name would be something I'd be absolutely prepared to do for her to not feel so hurt. It will hurt - this is her grandchild. She must despise your father, and it sounds like quite rightly so. She'd presumably not enjoy having to refer to her ex's name every time she called her grandson. Put yourself in her position, would you like that?

On top of that, yep everyone will assume you did name him after your dad. Be prepared for a few raised eyebrows from those who know the back story. Plus the irritation of your son being 'Little John', 'MummytoBe89's John' etc when family use the name. There was a thread on this recently and the consensus was that it's best for a child to have its own name - not a 'named after' - even if that's not what you're doing.

But mainly, it's quite clear that if you really don't want to hurt your mum you wouldn't use the name.

I think you are in dangerous territory with your mum with this and would choose a new name. Why should your Dad be honoured with his grandchild being called his name when he was a bad parent and your mum have to call her grandchild her ex's name?

Honestly, I'd choose another name. There's literally thousands of them. I think whatever you say people will think you named him after your father and it sounds more agro than it needs be x

I would just choose another name

I wouldn't use the name either. Whatever your intention, in effect you are giving your child your father's name, so you are naming him after your father. You will look as if you're 'rewarding' your father for being a shitty parent, risk hurting your mother, and also in general create an expectation that subsequent children will also be named after family members. Will you call your next child after your FIL if a boy, or your mother or MIL if a girl?

I’d chose another name it’s not worth the hassle

I would pick a different name too. Not worth upsetting your DM if she has always been the one who's been there for you growing up

Chose another name. It's not worth it. And it's hurtful.

I would 100% choose another name. Seems quite hurtful to your mum.

I’d pick something else-if you tell your mum then one of the little drunken digs will be about the name!

It's another vote for not using the name at all from me I'm afraid, I think your mum would find it upsetting, have you got any "back up " names that you agree on? x

Pick another name.

I would definitely choose another name

Why would you want to hurt your mother, the one that cared about you enough to stick around and make sure you we’re brought up okay by naming your child after the parent that walked out on you?

There’s a million names out there. I would stay you’re lacking in imagination if you can only think of your dads name.

I agree with the majority of PPs, pick another name. You'll taint your DM's relationship not only with you but with your child, she'll forever have this glorification of your deadbeat dad flung in her face & whatever your intentions it'll be a slap in the face for her & disrespectful to everything she did for you when he did nothing. She didn't just walk out on you too & leave you to Social Services to sort out, she stepped up in dark times. The least you can do in return is pick a different name for your child.

You realise your mother is going to have to say her ex's name every time she speaks to or about her grandchild? When her friends ask the name, she's going to have to say it. If any one of them knows your father's name, there will be a follow up comment that your mother will have to grin and bear, or explain. Every time.

My own mother is a really horrible, abusive person, but my father left her to shoulder the responsibility and burden of raising us with very little financial contribution (and only when he felt like it) and I'd never do to her what you're proposing.

Choose another name.

Deffo choose another name. Even if you say it's just because you like the name, your Mum won't believe you and it would be hurtful.

I think I would use it as a middle name if my mum wasn't happy. To be honest I wouldn't give my child another family members name anyway as could confuse people down the line when talking about them. You don't want people referring to your child as say John junior do you?

Hmm, I don't think I'd tell them different stories, you'll get caught out at some point.

How about you use the name as a middle name and get a different first name for the baby?

Or, depending on how you feel about middle names, you could use your mum's maiden name as another middle name (a not uncommon practice in some areas of the UK)

Our no.1 DS has his own first name, his paternal grandfather's middle name and then my maiden name as his names. Tribute paid to both sides of the family but we still gave him a daily name that we both loved.

Definitely chose another name. I mean, it’s your dads name so everyone is obviously going to think you’ve named your son after his grandad. There’s no way you wouldn’t think that

I feel your pain! I absolutely love my Dad’s name but we are completely estranged and my Mum brought me up entirely on her own.

I mentioned just that to my Mum when discussing names for DS. She very nobly said ‘oh who cares, if you like the name use it’. I couldn’t though, I know she was just being nice.