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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask in-laws to remove their shoes

220 replies

KHE89 · 03/10/2019 11:38

I'm not a mum yet (sorry to be intruding) but i wanted to get a mum's perspective on this.
I grew up not wearing shoes in the house, and whenever I go to someone's house, I take my shoes off when i enter (unless told otherwise).
My husband and I don't wear shoes in our own home. However, my in-laws wear their shoes in my house when they come over. Yes they make an attempt to wipe their shoes on the mat, but come rain or shine, they keep their shoes on.
This bugs me. When i do become a mum, I want this to stop because i want to minimise the amount of dirt in the house. If the child is playing on the floor, i don't want shoe dirt in that area.
AIBU to want this, and want my husband to have my back on this, even if he doesn't agree to this? We came to blows over this, but I don't feel like it's unreasonable. Confused

OP posts:
zxcvhjkl · 03/10/2019 12:01

This will descend into a big debate very soon between those diehard it's rude to ask someone to take their shoes off, life's too short, don't have cream carpet brigade and the my house my rules, germophobe, how very dare they crew.

Personally we are a shoes off household. Tradesmen and the like often have to leave shoes on for health and safety reasons - I don't loose sleep over it. Visitors respect we are shoes off at the door kind of people and I've never had to ask, they've just realised probably based on the shoe pile rack by the door.

You need to jointly agree your house rules though. There is no right or wrong about it (assuming cultural or religious reasons don't come into it), it's just your personal preference.

zxcvhjkl · 03/10/2019 12:02

*lose sleep.
Gah.

Skittlesandbeer · 03/10/2019 12:03

Send out a group email to family & friends (or just word it to suggest it is going wide). Say you’re moving from a ‘shoes on’ house to a ‘shoes off’ house. Add that you appreciate everyone’s understanding, and that frequent visitors are welcome to leave ‘indoors only’ shoes/slippers at yours for convenience. Keep the tone light, and don’t offer reasons. When the in-laws come next, show them the new hall seat for shoe removal and ask if they have brought indoor shoes as per the email. Smiley and light, but firm.

And you don’t need permission from anyone to make this call.

LaurieMarlow · 03/10/2019 12:08

Send out a group email to family & friends (or just word it to suggest it is going wide). Say you’re moving from a ‘shoes on’ house to a ‘shoes off’ house

Do people actually do this kind of thing in real life?

I can't even imagine getting a mail like this from friends/family. Bizarre beyond words.

lazylinguist · 03/10/2019 12:09

It never ceases to amaze me how many perfectly normal things are considered 'disgusting' by MNers. Often apparently even to the extent of retching and shuddering. Life must be a terrible trial for them.

Vulpine · 03/10/2019 12:09

You'll do your future kids a favour if you dont worry so much about germs, not to mention your relationship with yoir inlaws

Rezie · 03/10/2019 12:10

I grew up in a culture where shoes are taken of automatically. I would just when they come in say "you can leave your shoes by the door (Or where ever)"

LaurieMarlow · 03/10/2019 12:12

OP just to warn you, I grew up in a spotless, sterile house. I developed a serious dust allergy pretty soon after I moved out of it. It’s no fun.

Our obsession with eliminating germs is not a good thing.

DriftingLeaves · 03/10/2019 12:13

I can't even imagine getting a mail like this from friends/family. Bizarre beyond words.

This. Very weird.

Teddybear45 · 03/10/2019 12:13

It’s not rude to ask people to remove their shoes. How ridiculous. I am of Indian origin grew up with people taking their shoes off at the door. In my house everyone takes their shoes off automatically when they see the shoes by the door (Indian or not) - you don’t even need to ask. I think they may be doing it on purpose in which case why not tell them firmly and clearly when they arrive - don’t wait for your DH to be okay with it.

pikapikachu · 03/10/2019 12:14

Don't wait until you become a mum. Do it now.

DontCallMeShitley · 03/10/2019 12:14

It's rude to ask people to remove their shoes.

It is rude of people not to ask if you mind their germ laden shoes on your floors.

Wooden floors, not bothered too much as they are easy to clean but carpets, shoes off. Seeing people these days pissing on the pavements, and in some cases crapping behind bins, along with the inevitable dog shit, drunken vomit and heaven knows what else I really don't want the remnants in my house. Doormats just store it up for the next person to walk in.

LaurieMarlow · 03/10/2019 12:15

It’s not rude to ask people to remove their shoes. How ridiculous. I am of Indian origin grew up with people taking their shoes off at the door.

And you can speak for all people and cultures, hmm? Just because it isn't rude in your culture doesn't make that a global norm.

lazylinguist · 03/10/2019 12:16

It’s not rude to ask people to remove their shoes. How ridiculous. I am of Indian origin

So what you mean is that it's not rude according to your cultural upbringing. That doesn't mean it isn't rude in other people's.

BreakfastAtLitanies · 03/10/2019 12:17

I understand where you're coming from if it's particularly rainy or snowing outside.

But I really, really hate your phrasing "being OCD". Can I just clarify that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not an adjective, it's a real mental health issue that literally can make life unbearable for people? It's ridiculous to label your over the top shoe complaints as "being OCD". It's not, you're being dramatic, just ask them and if they refuse don't have them over.

LakieLady · 03/10/2019 12:17

I absolutely hate being asked to remove my shoes on entering someone's home. I don't go to the trouble of picking the shoes that look best with what I'm wearing just to take them off when I get where I'm going!

I wipe my feet, I haven't trodden dog shit into any house since I was a child and think that contact with a bit of everyday grime helps build immunity.

MIL's house is a shoes-off house. When DP and I were first together, I reluctantly complied until one day an encounter with a shedload of Lego in an unlit hallway was so painful I vowed that I would never take my shoes off there again.

No-one has suffered any illness as a result and her carpets are as pristine as ever.

Teddybear45 · 03/10/2019 12:17

@ LaurieMarlow - yes I can as I am also a Brit and grew up with Irish / Pakistani / Arab / British friends doing the same. Wearing outdoor shoes into the house is grim and rude to the hosts as they are then expected to clean up after you.

OneSliceIsNeverEnough · 03/10/2019 12:18

Why is it working class to take shoes off? Surely it was richer people who could afford carpet?
Oh well at least I'm not a snob then Grin

I prefer shoes off.

anyoneseenmykeys · 03/10/2019 12:19

It’s not rude to ask people to remove their shoes. How ridiculous.Hmm
and I grew up in a culture where it is rude and show complete lack of manners to take your shoes off!

What IS rude is to assume that you know better and your way is the only way for the rest of the world.I hate shoes off, if my friends ask me to take mine off, I will. Their home, their rules. Such a non issue. 🤷

Just don't pretend that everyone has the same rules and should guess what yours are. Ask them nicely, how hard can it be. If they are freezing they'll stay for less time.

Tanith · 03/10/2019 12:19

Who cleans the floor?

If your DH doesn’t see your point of view, perhaps all the floor cleaning should be his responsibility.

MustardScreams · 03/10/2019 12:19

Ooh we haven’t had a bonkers shoes on/off thread for ages Grin

LakieLady · 03/10/2019 12:21

I grew up in a culture where shoes are taken of automatically. I would just when they come in say "you can leave your shoes by the door (Or where ever)"

Out of curiosity, how would you respond to someone who said, politely, "I'd rather keep them on, thanks" @Teddybear45?

LaurieMarlow · 03/10/2019 12:22

yes I can as I am also a Brit and grew up with Irish / Pakistani / Arab / British friends doing the same.

No you can’t, quit being ridiculous.

It’s very rare to be shoes off in Irish society for example (I’m Irish). And absolutely rude to ask in certain sections of UK society.

Asking a guest to remove their shoes can be seen as putting your floors above their comfort and asking them to make themselves vulnerable in your home.

anyoneseenmykeys · 03/10/2019 12:22

Why is it working class to take shoes off?
I think because they were the only one to care about appearances and the upper class had enough staff to sweep after guests. Can you imagine the Queen or the PM wearing slippers when receiving guests at Buckingham or No10? Grin

Reminds me of Sex in the city, people spending ages planning an outfit and removing the shoes before they are even inside.

LaurieMarlow · 03/10/2019 12:23

Ooh we haven’t had a bonkers shoes on/off thread for ages

I know, right.

My love for them hasn’t died.

Swipe left for the next trending thread