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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

circumcision ... to be conflicted

229 replies

Forallyouknow · 02/10/2019 21:47

Come from a culture where you have a boy = you get it done. Never paid much attention to it until - predictably - had a boy. Had a traumatic birth where baby nearly didn’t make it- he is well now. Literally as soon as he was home I’ve been pestered from every relative / acquaintance when we are having it done- they want a party where they give money to the child. I can’t bear to put him through intentional pain but it seems it’s a case of when rather than if... I don’t know anyone from the same culture who wouldn’t do it ( even the young ones) whilst I don’t mind going against the grain there’s a part of me that thinks we should- I don’t know why other than it’s just assumed you do it. Feel very conflicted over the whole thing. Unfortunately because it is normally celebrated with a big party everyone knows whether you have had it done or not so my plan to just hope no one notices whilst I decide hasn’t worked. Guess more wondering what others think of it than aibu...

OP posts:
Toorahtoorahaye · 03/10/2019 09:21

If I were a boy I would be mighty pissed off if I found out that my parents had mutilated my genitals when I was a tiny baby.

Or you might be affected by being the only boy in your group, family, school or whatever who isn’t circumcised. You might be made fun if, feel embarrassed, be told your penis is dirty and ugly.

I hope the practice ends but the truth is many (if not most) posting would probably circumcise their baby sons if they came from a place, culture or religion where it is the norm. You’re not morally superior for not doing it when you live in the UK. Those who do take a stand and resist when you’re under pressure to conform - hats off to your strength.

coatlessinspokane · 03/10/2019 11:14

You might be made fun if, feel embarrassed, be told your penis is dirty and ugly.

But if everyone gave in to peer pressure wrong practices like this would never die out.

It’s unnatural to cut any part of your body off. And when there’s no consent given it should be illegal.

IamPickleRick · 03/10/2019 11:26

It’s not dirty or ugly though. Why cut half your child’s penis off when you could just teach them to use soap. It’s bizarre. Studies show it isn’t cleaner and is actually missing vital bacteria. And I said the same to my in laws.

I also said I don’t care if he “didn’t remember” the pain. I wouldn’t hurt someone who is vulnerable and unconscious just because they wouldn’t remember it. No matter what way you look at it, you are taking advantage of a baby.

And people do forget. Because it’s not about the penis at all. No one knows what my DH’s penis looks like now except me. So his mother doesn’t even see the scarring she inflicted. The ceremony is about appearing to be obedient and traditional and a good Muslim or Jew or whatever. And your childs body should not be your vessel for proving that.

LucieFurr · 03/10/2019 11:28

It's no better than FGM.

firawla · 03/10/2019 11:43

Op I can really empathise with your situation. We had a very similar scenario with our kids. We are Muslim and before I had my eldest I would have just thought yes obviously I’ll circumcise as it’s the done thing. However, same as you my baby wasn’t well at birth and had a slightly tough start, I just couldn’t face it so I put it off thinking we will do it after age 1 with general anaesthetic... that time rolled round and I still didn’t feel comfy, by that time I was pregnant with another boy and when I had him I was like well we haven’t done it with the first one, so we shouldn’t do the next one.. time went on and I have not circumcised any of my kids. Over the years mil kept bringing it up. We had to tell her stop asking and just let us parent our own kids, we don’t want her input on it. I’m sure she is still annoyed about it but that’s her problem. Over the years I learned more about bodily autonomy and ended up glad I didn’t make that decision for them as babies.
I have another Muslim friend that hasn’t done her boy either, people probably don’t openly say it because firstly they dont tend to talk about their kids bits, but secondly cos it’s not the “done thing” and they’re worried about being judged but I’m sure there are more people than you would think in these communities who are not following all of these traditions like circumcision these days. You do not have to do it and your child won’t necessarily be the only one

Excited101 · 03/10/2019 11:50

I’d throw him a ‘naming’ or a ‘christening’ celebration instead, then when people ask you can direct them to that. You don’t have to be specific about not doing it unless people ask directly then you can just brush it off with an ‘oh no we’re not doing that, we’re just having a naming ceremony...’ etc etc

coatlessinspokane · 03/10/2019 12:03

It's no better than FGM
Depends which FGM you’re talking about.
But it’s still wrong. They both are.

Justasconfusedwithnumber2 · 03/10/2019 12:13

Sorry but I couldn't, wouldn't do it. It seems unnecessary and abit cruel to put a newborn through it. But I admit I am from an atheist family so do not have any expectations from others. The MIL on the otherhand... Well, seeing as my husband doesn't support his family religion (Catholic) means we have chosen not to do any of her wants and wishes.

Your his mum so you decide

feistymumma · 03/10/2019 12:14

Not part of my religion or culture but both my boys are circumcised. They had loose foreskin and I was advised to have them circumsised. It was over before they knew it.

samG76 · 03/10/2019 12:15

Excited - Is OP a Christian?- it seems to be that if they are not going to do the op, it, they shouldn't faff about with ceremonies at all, as it will just highlight the issue. Mind you, it would be strange to be in Rainbow's situation where everyone incorrectly thinks you have done it. How long do you keep up the pretence, and what do you say to the child...?

Fookadook · 03/10/2019 12:19

It’s mutilation. You might change your mind if you saw some of the injuries and infections of the poor babies I’ve seen admitted to hospital.

Yogobo · 03/10/2019 12:26

Go with your instinct op. I had my own different pressures from family to do certain things with my baby, and I listened to what they had to say and I learned where I could but ultimately made my own decisions. If I felt in my gut something was not the right thing for me and my child then I went my own way and ignored what they said. I don't know how your family will react, but for me I thought well this (DD) is my family now and bringing her up how I feel is right is more important to me than appeasing these people.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 03/10/2019 12:28

No offense to your culture but I honestly think that circumcising a child should be considered a form of child abuse and made totally illegal. It horrifies me that it still goes on in this day and age for non-medical reasons. Really awful and upsetting and I wouldn’t subject my baby to it under any circumstances.

Chillisauceboss · 03/10/2019 12:29

Morally wrong, barbaric for cultural reasons. Be his Mum not a community family pleaser

raspberryk · 03/10/2019 12:43

OP how about you get a piece of your genitalia cut off without anaesthetic and for no medical reason? Your clitoris or your labia perhaps? Just so that your relatives can throw a party to celebrate. Don't fancy it? Didn't think so.
So don't allow it to happen to your child.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 03/10/2019 12:58

Hi OP

I think many posters on here are minimising the cultural pressures. Its very easy to say 'I would never do that' when you're from a culture that doesn't routinely do that! It's hard when everyone in a community has done something and they're all fine and they might treat your kid as different.

I would say now he's 2, you may as well wait. He is coming up to being old enough to remember a hospital visit etc. I would try and wait a few years and give him all the facts when he is older, the pros cons and side effects and let him decide. Tell your family you are letting him decide when he is older and please not to mention it infront of him. You have already held out for two years so the worst is probably over!

IdblowJonSnow · 03/10/2019 13:01

Agree with thingsthatgo!
Please don't do it!

Rainbowhairdontcare · 03/10/2019 13:04

@samG76 in my case nobody would really know, unless we tell them. It would be different if he went to a Jewish school or used the ritual bath, but neither apply so no issue. My DS will eventually figure it out around 10 or so, but then I'd just explain that we didn't want do some irreversible change to his body without his consent and assure him he can do it later in life of he really wants to, but then it would be his choice.

Ellisandra · 03/10/2019 13:08

I think it helps to keep in mind that it isn’t now or never.
You don’t have to fight a crusade to change your culture (though all power to you if you do!).

My husband was circumcised for medical reasons at age 12, no issue with it at all.

Although I know this would end the pressure, I would probably stick to “we’ve decided to let him make the choice himself”. That way, you’re not being confrontational or critical of the decisions of others. Just leaving it open.

RoyalChocolat · 03/10/2019 13:10

DH is from a Muslim country. When DS was born, his family assumed he was going to be circumcised. There was a lot of pressure, with even my lovely MIL wringing her hands about "traditions". We did not cave.

A couple of years ago DH's uncle asked about it and I was tempted to say "Are you actually trying to have a conversation about my 11-year-old son's penis?".

I am not mutilating my child to please someone's imaginary friend, sorry.

carly2803 · 03/10/2019 13:44

absolutely not. I have a baby boy and if anyone ever suggested that (except for medical reasons and done by a doctor!), they would be the ones lacking part of their penis.

filthy awful "culture". do not mutilate your little boy for this awful reason

firstdatesfear · 03/10/2019 14:13

Oh come on samg I’m fairly sure the ‘insert relevant ceremony name relating to your religion here’ didn’t really need to be spelt out, did it??

coatlessinspokane · 03/10/2019 15:33

OP I'm sure that you'd feel much worse if you did it and something went wrong, leaving your DS in pain. Of course it's hard to stand up to cultural traditions but he's a little boy who is relying on you to protect him. You know that else you wouldn't have posted.

Bouledeneige · 03/10/2019 16:09

I have huge sympathy for you. I know how central this is to cultural and religious identity and quite a few of my friends have had it done to their children.

Personally I fundamentally disagree with removing healthy tissue. It's not my notion of what any loving God would expect.

littlecabbage · 03/10/2019 17:17

Apologies of this article has already been posted. OP - read this:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-47292307