Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

circumcision ... to be conflicted

229 replies

Forallyouknow · 02/10/2019 21:47

Come from a culture where you have a boy = you get it done. Never paid much attention to it until - predictably - had a boy. Had a traumatic birth where baby nearly didn’t make it- he is well now. Literally as soon as he was home I’ve been pestered from every relative / acquaintance when we are having it done- they want a party where they give money to the child. I can’t bear to put him through intentional pain but it seems it’s a case of when rather than if... I don’t know anyone from the same culture who wouldn’t do it ( even the young ones) whilst I don’t mind going against the grain there’s a part of me that thinks we should- I don’t know why other than it’s just assumed you do it. Feel very conflicted over the whole thing. Unfortunately because it is normally celebrated with a big party everyone knows whether you have had it done or not so my plan to just hope no one notices whilst I decide hasn’t worked. Guess more wondering what others think of it than aibu...

OP posts:
SynchroSwimmer · 02/10/2019 22:56

If you feel under family pressure could you say that you are waiting and will let your son decide for himself when he is old enough to make his own informed decision?

That might take the pressure off you?

He probably won’t!

wallymum · 02/10/2019 22:57

How the hell is this different from fgm? 'Cultural' beliefs don't justify it. Sorry. But no it's cutting a human with no right to reply for no medical benefits.

Hooferdoofer37 · 02/10/2019 23:00

There are women all over the world who are desperate to have a healthy baby who cannot. Who would care for and love that child, protecting them from all harm as best they could.

You have been blessed with a healthy boy and yet are potentially going to mutilate him for no good reason.

How is that fair or right?

TrixieFranklin · 02/10/2019 23:01

Please don't punish your child for being a boy, you wouldn't even consider FGM if you had a baby girl so why would you even consider harming your son like that?

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/10/2019 23:01

Its not your penis, (unless for medical needs) leave it alone.

katmarie · 02/10/2019 23:01

I agonised over giving my baby DS the vitamin k injection after birth, rather than the oral option, because I hated the thought of him being hurt. I could never bring myself to cut bits off him. Emotive maybe but it's an emotional thing to do to hurt your child for cosmetic reasons.

Having lived several years in the US though, I do understand some of the pressure that can be put on people to conform to cultural norms. A good friend of mine agonised over the same issue, eventually opting not to circumcise, but then having to deal with the grief from family, particularly older family, who were deeply invested in the child being done.

One of the things I never expected about motherhood is how much more brave, determined and downright stubborn you have to become sometimes to protect and defend your child. I hope you can find the courage to make your decision, and stand by it, given it sounds like your family will make that hard on you.

AGermFreeAdolescent · 02/10/2019 23:03

I’m a rare species as I got it done as a teenager so I know how it feels from ‘both sides’ lol. But I had to have it done for medical reasons. So I can speak from personal authority:

Pros: It keeps it cleaner and more hygienic. Unless you own a penis and don’t like washing it? This isn’t really much of a pro.

Cons: Everything else. EVERYTHING.

Verdict: DON’T inflict it unless it’s absolutely necessary. The thought of doing that to a BABY, despite religion, is disgusting to me. I feel exactly the same as I would FGM. Horrible and disgusting practice. Some men say there is no difference but personally I have experienced both. There is a massive difference.

*have to admit though: living in the US I would be, because it’s so much the norm, and uncircumcised penises are generally considered disgusting by most women, I’d worry my theoretical son would have a terrible time as a young man if not circumcised.

I realise I am not the “target audience” for this question but it stood out to me. And this might be “off the mark” to others (female) on here, but would you think it’s the norm to consider breast enlargement for your daughter because American (or any nation) thought it looked disgusting? If I had a “terrible time” dating or sex wise from something I was born with or couldn’t help, then I wouldn’t give AF, tbh lol. (Answered as a gay man, so maybe it would be a different answer if answering as a man sexually attracted to women?) interesting question though SmileSmile

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/10/2019 23:04

Leave him to decide as an adult. Maybe organise a new baby party, but only if you think they’ll accept your decision.

stucknoue · 02/10/2019 23:04

Doesn't matter about culture, it's just wrong. If he wishes to be circumcised it can be done once he's 18 by a qualified dr not a rabbi

rededucator · 02/10/2019 23:05

I'd have them all fir the 'after party' then drop in causally that the priceedure wasn't done and then act shocked that they were actually there to celebrate you mutilating your child

rededucator · 02/10/2019 23:06

And then continue the celebration as your child being healthy and untouched

Samosaurus · 02/10/2019 23:06

Outdated and barbaric cultural practices will never die out if people in your position don’t take a stand. Please don’t mutilate your tiny boy - if there is a medical reason then ok, but if not then leave the child intact.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 23:09

Mutilation and should be illegal unless for medical reasons.

The media has featured a series of personal accounts from men who had it done as infants and suffered great physical and psychological distress as a result. They may be a minority but the process is totally unnecessary in most cases so why take the risk?

CapturedFairy · 02/10/2019 23:14

I have two sons. The foreskin is attached to the glans (head of the penis) at birth so a circumcision is forcibly separating the foreskin from the glans and removing penile erogenous tissue. Just no.

Csleeptime · 02/10/2019 23:17

Imagine having a nappy rub against that. The pain. He's a baby I assume so can't even tell you how much it hurts. Cruel

Original poster
Forallyouknow · 02/10/2019 23:18

To clarify he is now 2 years old- it’s an ongoing thing and unlikely to be “let go”- I hear it pretty much every time I am around in-laws he is their first born male grandson ( yes that’s still a big deal Hmm). Live in England and not religious the least bit - not particularly immersed in the community personally but it’s become a massive thing whereas I’ve never even thought about it. But know I’ve been thinking about it, it doesn’t sit right with me but I do worry about how my son will be treated by the wider family cousins etc as the adults will be raising the children. Never knew about it being so popular in USA

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 02/10/2019 23:20

Its not as popular in the USA as it was and there many groups that are actively campaigning against it.

Rubicon80 · 02/10/2019 23:24

I'm Jewish and I didn't circumcise my son. I know it's tough to break tradition but I'm glad I made that decision.

AGermFreeAdolescent · 02/10/2019 23:24

^But know I’ve been thinking about it, it doesn’t sit right with me but I do worry about how my son will be treated by the wider family cousins etc as the adults will be raising the children. Never knew about it being so popular in USA*

Unless your son is planning to have sex with his wider family why would he, or you, give a flying fuck what they thought? I have more than ten male cousins, I can safely say I have never asked any of them what their dick looks like or whether some of it has been chopped off.

Andysbestadventure · 02/10/2019 23:25

Should 100% be illegal. If you had a girl would you do the same to her? No.

Tell them all to fuck the fuck off. And stay the fuck away from his genitals with a scalpel.

People who do that to their children are fucking monsters. And in the UK it will, no doubt, be banned soon, apart from for medical reasons.

TheMustressMhor · 02/10/2019 23:26

I'm a midwife and I remember looking after a post-natal patient who decided to have it done to her baby.

He almost died from sepsis afterwards.

They weren't even Jewish. They were American and thought it was somehow essential to pay a private doctor to mutilate their baby.

I've never forgotten it.

I also remember a woman who had suffered FGM as a small child herself. When she delivered she didn't need stitches.

But she asked repeatedly for someone to cut her and suture her - after the delivery.

Unbelievable. She was still going on about it ten days later in the community, when I discharged her. It wasn't even because her husband wanted it done. She just felt it was necessary.

Complete indoctrination.

Andysbestadventure · 02/10/2019 23:28

"I hear it pretty much every time I am around in-laws he is their first born male grandson"

So get a stronger backbone and tell them in no uncertain terms is it happening 🤷 and if they bring it up again, it will become and issue.

They might be his grandparents, but you are his mother. Act like it. Stand up for yourself and your son.

NetballHoop · 02/10/2019 23:31

Mr Netballhoop here.
I was circumcised as a baby because it was the recommended thing.
While I have not had any medical problems as a result of this I do feel that I am different to other men and that I'm not as I was meant to be.
I do love my parents but I just can't understand why you would do this to a baby. Mutilation of babies should beef illegal.

AutumnColours9 · 02/10/2019 23:34

One of my DS had it done for medical reasons after failed conservative treatment (BXO and urinary retention). I was devastated as had always been strongly against it and worried about the effects. However since having it he can now wee and not have repeated infections with bleeding etc. He recovered very quickly and was up and about within an hour or surgery under GA. He never cried or reported pain. I would not choose it myself unless medically necessary. However I am less likely to judge others now.

IamPickleRick · 02/10/2019 23:35

This is the moment, right here, where you teach him not to give in to peer pressure.

They will let it go, they won’t be crying at night about his foreskin when he is 38. If their current obsession with a child’s genitals isn’t weird enough now, it will be when he’s an adult. If you can’t be brave enough to tell the truth, say he is allergic to anaesthetic. It’s not their cock, put bluntly. If your mum asks you, openly ask about her vaginal discharge and see the disgust. Why is a little boy’s penis up for public discussion but we can’t all talk about vags and anus’s. Answer - because he’s a little boy and this isn’t about a ceremony about tradition, its about servitude and obedience. Children are not their parents belongings. Give him some autonomy, they don’t own him.

“Ew Dad, why are you always talking about little children’s bits?” Hmm