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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mad about this comment made to DD?

170 replies

BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 20:10

*all names have been changed.

DD is 7. She is in a mixed Y3/4 class. She was out of sorts after school, eventually I get out of her that she wants to wear crop tops under her school shirt ‘like Amy and Lucy’ (her closest friends)

A bit more digging reveals that Josh, a boy from their class has commented to DD ‘you should wear a top like Amy and Lucy because you would look good in one’. DD doesn’t know if Josh if Y3 or Y4, so he could be 7 but potentially could be 9 years old.

DD is now too embarrassed to change for PE and feels she should wear one. She has shown no interest before now.

Obviously I had a long chat with DD about not doing something just because her friends are but also that it is not ok for anyone to comment on her underwear (or lack thereof) And she shouldn’t change because of a boy’s opinion. However she wouldn’t be swayed so I have suggested she wear a vest for now and see how she gets on and we’ll reassess the crop top aspect in a few weeks.

My question is AIBU to be furious that a boy has made such a comment and made DD feel self conscious?

WIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow and expect that the boy is spoken too and suggest a class talk on appropriate comments?

What would you expect to be done?

OP posts:

Ilikesweetpeas · 02/10/2019 20:13

I would definitely speak to the teacher, this is a very inappropriate comment from the boy.

Johntorrodeismydad · 02/10/2019 20:13

Furious at a boy who is, at most, just turned 9?

Stephminx · 02/10/2019 20:13

Do all the children change together ? Is that usual (sorry I was at a single sec school) ?

I’d be angry and would (try to calmly) discuss with the teacher.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 02/10/2019 20:15

Definitely speak to the teacher. The boy needs to know it’s entirely inappropriate to comment on someone’s underwear. Are they all changing in front of each other? I think that’s a bit too old for it tbh.

Original poster

BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 20:16

They all change in the same classroom. Fairly normal at primary schools I think?

Yes I’m very cross it was said, my 0 year old wouldn’t dream of saying something like that.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 02/10/2019 20:17

Definitely tell the teacher.

daisydoooo · 02/10/2019 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 20:20

my 9 year old, not 0!!!

OP posts:

Dodoluded · 02/10/2019 20:21

Yes it’s Ok to speak to the teacher but I’d just double check that the crop top sharing was shared during PE changing and not during “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” type games with DD to.

Definitely a good time to chat about boundaries with DD.

theendoftheendoftheend · 02/10/2019 20:21

Think you're being a bit harsh on the boy but yes I would inform the teacher.

Pipanchew2 · 02/10/2019 20:22

Def bring it up as there is a learning need for the boy and possibly other children in the class. It’s something that could be addressed by the teacher through the PSHE curriculum

m0therofdragons · 02/10/2019 20:24

Our school change in mixed groups until year 5.

I'd be curious as to whether boy actually said this. Dtds are 8 and basically said similar but it turned out they just wanted to convince me to let them wear crop tops. A boy asking why a girl isn't wearing a crop top when others are is very different to suggesting attractiveness and I honestly would be surprised if it was on a primary boy's radar.

Dtds want a crop top and so I let them - their bodies so their choice what they feel comfortable showing.

Original poster

BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 20:24

dodo I got DD to tell me what happened several times, her story never changed. The comment was said to her at break time following their PE session.

OP posts:

UpToonGirl · 02/10/2019 20:25

I would talk to the teacher but please don't twist the way a 7 to 9 year old boy might mean that comment. Obviously he should not be looking or commenting on anyone changing and needs reminding of that, however it doesn't make him some creepy pervert.

He might well mean it the way you think but give him the benefit of the doubt. I know some 7/8/9 year old boys who are still very innocent and would be upset if they knew how it made your daughter feel.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/10/2019 20:25

I'm surprised they still change together if girls could be nearly 9. Lots of girls are developing by then and some will have started their periods - surely more privacy is needed.

Meggymoo777 · 02/10/2019 20:27

Definitely talk to the teacher and explain how your daughter was upset by the comments made and it would be a great opportunity for the teacher and parents alike to open a discussion around boundaries, judgement of others, body image etc.

I guess just remember that the boy in question may not have had this talk yet either so he may not understand what he was even saying.

Would consider myself fairly liberal parent but think if there is younger and older children mixed in a classroom at this stage a bit of privacy for them all might be better. Why are they changing at school for PE anyway... can they not go in tracksuit in the morning?

Original poster

BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 20:28

According to DD only Amy and Lucy wear them that DD has noticed, definitely not most of the class. She was very definite about the wording of what was said which is why I am concerned about it. I wouldn’t be anywhere near as cross if it had been a ‘why don’t you wear one?’ Type comment (still not appropriate, but understandable)

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 02/10/2019 20:31

What does she currently wear under her shirt and is she developing breast tissue? I was at 7 and if I wore nothing you could see everything under my shirt - perhaps this was just a nice way for the boy to try and help. They are both really young.

Original poster

BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 20:32

I do understand that the boy may not have meant it as it sounds, I’m just really upset that this morning DD was happy as she was and now she feels she had to ‘cover up’ because of a comment a boy has made.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 20:34

teddy she wears nothing under her shirt but does wear a dress so her chest is covered by thicker material than just a school shirt. However she doesn’t need anything underneath anyway, she is not developing in any way. And more importantly DD didn’t feel the need to wear anything until this comment.

OP posts:

emilybrontescorsett · 02/10/2019 20:34

Definately speak to the teacher. I would expect the teacher to have a word with this boy.

Interestedwoman · 02/10/2019 20:37

I'd definitely mention it to the teacher. It's a kind of, for want of a better word, low key sexual bullying.

m0therofdragons · 02/10/2019 20:39

I started my period age 9 so was in crop tops then too. I still remember my horrible "friends" creating the developed club (those not in crop tops were told they were in the "undeveloped" club). I refused to be in the developed club which annoyed the mean girls as I was the only one with actual periods. Dc can be mean but I can't help thinking you're making this way bigger than it is. It's around year 3-4 that they start becoming aware of their bodies. That said, my 2 still love a bit of naked trampolining.

Imstickingwiththisone · 02/10/2019 20:39

This seems a really bizarre comment from a 9 year old op. I know you've said your dd has repeated it, but that could be because that's how she remembers it/interpreted it. I'm assuming it's a small clasa I'd they have mixed years. Do you have no idea how old he is exactly? As much as he could be 9, he could just turned 8 weeks ago too.

YouJustDoYou · 02/10/2019 20:41

I remember back in the 90s some of the 10 year old boys were already commenting on the size of the "girl's tits", and if you didn't "give them a blow job/have sex with them" you were "frigid". Little boys, of 9/10. They noticed who had developed yet, and who hadn't. Your poor dd - it's so, so shit the harressment starts so early :(

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