To be mad about this comment made to DD?

[BeeAndNettle]

*all names have been changed.

DD is 7. She is in a mixed Y3/4 class. She was out of sorts after school, eventually I get out of her that she wants to wear crop tops under her school shirt ‘like Amy and Lucy’ (her closest friends)

A bit more digging reveals that Josh, a boy from their class has commented to DD ‘you should wear a top like Amy and Lucy because you would look good in one’. DD doesn’t know if Josh if Y3 or Y4, so he could be 7 but potentially could be 9 years old.

DD is now too embarrassed to change for PE and feels she should wear one. She has shown no interest before now.

Obviously I had a long chat with DD about not doing something just because her friends are but also that it is not ok for anyone to comment on her underwear (or lack thereof) And she shouldn’t change because of a boy’s opinion. However she wouldn’t be swayed so I have suggested she wear a vest for now and see how she gets on and we’ll reassess the crop top aspect in a few weeks.

My question is AIBU to be furious that a boy has made such a comment and made DD feel self conscious?

WIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow and expect that the boy is spoken too and suggest a class talk on appropriate comments?

What would you expect to be done?

It's not inappropriate to say she'd look nice in a top - I doubt he meant anything sinister by it, kids make silly remarks all the time. If the kids are beginning to feel uncomfortable and aware of their bodies they should have separate changing areas though. Ours have had separate changing since Y2 (or maybe Y1 can't remember).

It's not inappropriate to say she'd look nice in a top

I think it is, also it's inappropriate that he questions why she doesn't wear it, like two other girls he pointed out.

It's not up to anyone but her to decide what she'd look nice in what she shod wear and whether she should wear the same as two other girls.

The fact that it's essentially an under garment makes it even more inappropriate - because it could affect her perception of her chest/development etc

And yes I don't know why the school has them changing together at this age.

It wasn't a top really though was it.

It was underwear. An item he wouldnt even see unless he was staring through her shirt or watching her get changed.

I think we can agree that acknowledging it wasnt appropriate and can have unfortunate consequences without labelling the kid a sex pest.

No ones said he is.

But these little things do eventually add up and every time.its written off as nothing, is Nother message that it's ok to do. And its not.

Clearly i missed a memo regarding vest use! I never wore one, started with crop tops when I started developing in Y6. DH never wore a vest, neither did our siblings growing up so never occurred to me to use them for DC. None of whom have complained of being cold/uncomfortable.

I spoke to the teacher this morning. Y5/6 change separately but not Y3/4. He is going to discuss with other staff the idea of boys on one side of the road and girls on the other. He agreed it wasn’t appropriate for pupils to comment on underwear and is going to do a general class chat on the subject.

Dd has her vest on this morning, declared it feels odd but has gone in wearing it.

To a seven year old boy, yeah it's a top.

Again, theres the problem. Zero expectations. Of course a7 year old boy knows its underwear. They have changed with the girls often.enough at that point to.have figured it out. They have pointed and/or laughed at them often enough by then too.

Why do we constantly pretend boys have no idea about anything.

I’d only really be focused on telling my DD that she never needed to wear or do anything because of someone else’s irrelevant opinion that she should or would be anything if she did.

I’d be teaching her now how to say ‘piss off’.

@SarahTancredi

Don't be daft. My seven year old knows about pants and bras (because he's seen me wearing them). Sometimes when it's cold he wears a vest, if he saw a crop top he would assume it was the same as a vest. If DD is uncomfortable changing in front of boys (which some 7-9 year olds will be already) then the issue is separate changing areas. However it's very likely that she'll still feel self conscious soon as girls will comment on who is or isn't wearing a bra/crop top and plenty of girls are more sensitive to comparisons made by other girls.

It's not hatred to acknowledge norms.

So because a 5/6 shows you his willy it stands to reason that he and most other little boys will grow up to be sexual deviants

OP and others, little girls and boys need vests under those scratchy old school shirts, it's bloody nippy out there!

At dd's old primary they had girls change in the classroom and boys in the cloakroom from Y2 or maybe Y3.

Of course you knew nothing about vests, you're fishing for stories after all.
Of course your kid didn't wear bodysuits (vests for babies) and then go on to wear vests as a warm layer any autumn/winter under tops. What an alien concept to you.
Of course the boy sits at the same table at your DD's primary but you didn't know his age or what 'year' he is in. Why on earth are still giving this guy fodder?!

Goodness me I’m losing the will to live!! Are you purposely trying to make your daughter as neurotic as you!! You’re making a huge drama out of absolutely nothing.

sagra we are new to the school this term, so no, I didn’t know what year the child was in as it’s a mixed class.

And no, my kids didn’t wear vests after babyhood. I just went straight to tops and jumpers, vests seemed like unnessessary cost when they could just wear a t-shirt under long sleeved tops and jumpers in winter? Like I did as a kid?

aprilly my dc are ne et cold at school, quite the opposite, the classrooms are kept very warm so even in winter they are just in shortsleeved shirts. Obviously they have thick winter coats for outdoors but I saw no reason for extra layers in a classroom where they frequently remove their jumpers for being hot.

Dd came home from school and changed and took the vest off. I picked it up off her floor and said ‘bored with this already Dd?’ Her response was it only need it for school in case I have PE’. Which I think proves she feels pushed to wear one by other people’s comments which makes me quite sad.

Blimey you do go on. DD comes home and changes out of school gear and you still push about the vest. Couldn’t you have just dropped it rather than trying to prove a point. She doesn’t want to wear a vest.

if its that hot that she doesnt need a vest, then maybe a crop top is a better idea after all.
I personally think its less embarrassing if the move to a crop top doesnt immediately signal to everyone else that your child has started puberty. They are a totally neutral bit of underwear.

direct.asda.com/george/kids/girls-underwear-socks-tights/white-crop-top-5-pack/GEM704391,default,pd.html?cgid=D25M2G1C9

these are pretty cheap and basic.

My daughter asked for one about age 6 or 7, then wore one here and there, but not consistently till about 9 or 10

Wow, my 11yo dd doesn’t wear anything under her school top. I bought her a crop top but she doesn’t bother with it.

Which I think proves she feels pushed to wear one by other people’s comments which makes me quite sad.

Seriously calm down. Last night we had curry for dinner and dd2 age 8 decided she didn't want to get it on her clothes so ate completely naked. I've not tested this theory but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't feel comfortable wearing nothing for lunch at school. It's totally normal behaviour from your dd.

Out of interest, does your dd cover her top half when swimming?