To be mad about this comment made to DD?

[BeeAndNettle]

*all names have been changed.

DD is 7. She is in a mixed Y3/4 class. She was out of sorts after school, eventually I get out of her that she wants to wear crop tops under her school shirt ‘like Amy and Lucy’ (her closest friends)

A bit more digging reveals that Josh, a boy from their class has commented to DD ‘you should wear a top like Amy and Lucy because you would look good in one’. DD doesn’t know if Josh if Y3 or Y4, so he could be 7 but potentially could be 9 years old.

DD is now too embarrassed to change for PE and feels she should wear one. She has shown no interest before now.

Obviously I had a long chat with DD about not doing something just because her friends are but also that it is not ok for anyone to comment on her underwear (or lack thereof) And she shouldn’t change because of a boy’s opinion. However she wouldn’t be swayed so I have suggested she wear a vest for now and see how she gets on and we’ll reassess the crop top aspect in a few weeks.

My question is AIBU to be furious that a boy has made such a comment and made DD feel self conscious?

WIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow and expect that the boy is spoken too and suggest a class talk on appropriate comments?

What would you expect to be done?

bluntness I agree and I hope and think I’ve conveyed that to DD.

Seriously?? OTT springs to mind!! They're young children and he said she would look good in it not that she'd look 'better' or anything bad. They're CHILDREN!! They're young children. Furious?? Seriously!!

“”Our children are exposed to too much too early in some cases and while we prepare girls many mums are happy to leave their boys to be children for longer “”

Rubbish. Boys also go through puberty too - my two from about 9/10. I’m not going to say what changes as there are trolls reading these posts. The hatred towards boys from an early age is frightening. Not all boys/men are rapists just as not all female child care workers are kind and safe.

Look her chest may look exactly the same as a boys at this age but they can become sensitive before theres any sign of anything. So yes its perfectly plausible that a 6/7 yr old may want one or feel she needs one even though theres no apparent change and even though boys dont wear anything.

The level of analysis reeks of point proving and denial tbh.

I had a mum like you. Didn't in believe in crop tops if you had "nothing there" I.was 16 before I needed a bra..try reaching 16 when no one.lets you wear a crop top under see through shirts.

We all have conversations with our kids. But you have to balance this out work the fact that she will need a bra at some point and if this is the reaction she gets, well it might scare her off if I'm honest

The thing is op, this is something I would say to a female friend or my husband. "Oh you should wear that, you'd suit it/it would look good on you"

In this context it's not inappropriate, it's complimentary. Your daughter may have commented she liked the top or something and he responded to it this way, at this age, much is in the repeating of the story and your daughters interpretation and her own motivations.

You're very adamant it's not appropriate. But this is putting an interpretation on it that is adult. And without witnessing the conversation.

As such go gently here, as you could be jumping at shadows.

She didn’t get a reaction, she got a gentle conversation.

And comparing suggesting she try a vest first to not letting her wear a crop top at 16 is ludicrous.

If you bother to read my posts I have said I will buy them for her if that’s what she wants but for now there are vests in the house that she can use.

If you had bothered to read my posts you will se I have agreed that it could have been an innocent/well meaning comment but that I will r gently raising it with the school as a opportunity to talk about appropriate comments.

I would also like clarification on the changing policy.

My DD has never mentioned this idea prior to this boys comment so yes I believe she felt no need for one before now- the vests face been in her drawer for ages and she’s never worn them or asked too.

bluntness I get that, I really do. I didn’t so much when I first posted but that is why I posted, to see if I was BU to be upset. I have taken that on board, hence will be going in with a different angle when I speak with the teacher.

Personally very surprised that they've mixed changing at this age. However thinking back I think we may have had mixed changing still in year 4 so age 9 (basing this on remembering the classroom we changed in). That was every early 90s and safeguarding perhaps different then, I don't know.

bee

Ive already agreed that the comment was inappropriate and certainly many posters here are naive on thinking that these comments are definately innocent. Ask all the 4 year olds coming home asking for shorts under their skirts etc if people tool things more seriously here we wouldn't have so many problems.in school.

I'm.with you on that. Absolutely. And of course with the changing scenario. Yr 5 is way too late.

But the rest as I said, well people are weird about crop tops on MN and you seem.to be no different. You say you have no problem.with her wanting one but have repeatedly brought up points which follow on just like all the others where theres some arbitrary age or stage where one should be allowed. Far too much analysis .

My DD has never mentioned this idea prior to this boys comment so yes I believe she felt no need for one before now

Equally she might just want to be like her friends. And the boys comment is just something she used to justify it. She is also of an age where it was only a matter of time before you heard her make these requests.

It's good you're going in gentle, because of the ages here, it's more likely this was an innocent throw away conversation.

Incidentally you say the shirts are scratchy and she needs something underneath anyway...does this apply to boys too?
YY .
Have you just moved your DCs into school from overseas or from home schooling? I'm very confused at your lack of knowledge and understanding about DCs' clothing, social norms and school changing provision, etc.

I get your point OP.

My dd has just gone into yr4. I asked when I was buying new uniform if she wanted a vest/crop top to wear because they all get changed together in the classroom for PE.
She said she definitely didn't want one, that's fine.
But a couple of weeks in she came and said can I buy her some crop tops because a boy in their class had pointed and laughed at one of the girl's chest. I don't know where the teacher was at the time.

I was fine with her not wanting to wear a crop top or wearing one. Her choice.
But I'm not happy that she didn't want one but now feels forced into it because this boy has made her feel uncomfortable.

I will get her one because I want her to feel comfortable getting changed. Although I seem to be having trouble finding many plain white ones in her size.

I did have a quiet word with the girl who he laughed at's Mum because she is one of my best friends and she spoke to the teacher about it. Nothing seems to have changed regarding the mixed changing though.

At just turned 9 it's hard to judge his motivation for these comments or his understanding of their affect upon others. But nevertheless we shouldn't expect our girls to see it as acceptable at this young age just because "stupid boy" apparently doesn't know what he is doing, and should rightly want him to be dealt with.

Finished that again for you.

But nevertheless we shouldn't expect our girls to see it as acceptable at this young age just because "stupid boy" apparently doesn't know what he is doing, and should rightly want him to be dealt with

I think its going to be difficult to deal with the boys when so many adults will minimise boys behaviour as innocent or because they are only little and while the same adults also pick.apart girls clothing and deem.it unnecessary or inappropriate.

I dont think I have ever seen boys clothing discussed as much as girls. What message are we sending out when even adults cant leave the clothing alone

Wow the hatred of the male species starts early I see. Please tell me you don't have a son after coming out with such bile confused

Nonsense. It's not hatred, it's realism.

I was flashed by a friend's brother younger than this, standing in the sitting room of their house. His mum was around and his sister there too, I remember her shouting "Dickie!!" (His name ironically) in shock and disapproval. He wax clearly proud of his Rodger and wanted to show it to a girl he'd identified as cute/pretty.

The same neighbour 's son used to try to pull the lower clothes of any girl he caught in a private place, we spent a lot of time running away from him and warming each other he was around.

Men are on average more sexually motivated and it shows from a young age. It shows in adulthood in the provision of sexual "services" for men (straight and gay) in a way that they have never existed and probably will never exist for women. Some of that may be cultural but much of it is down to simple demand. Likewise sex crimes are overwhelming male on female. Don't be naive/intentionally delusional and deny biology.

It's not hatred to acknowledge norms.

I buy dd’s Plain white crop tops from M and S. They’re £7 for 5 and start small and go up to 13-14/15-16.

But a couple of weeks in she came and said can I buy her some crop tops because a boy in their class had pointed and laughed at one of the girl's chest.

That's awful. They so clearly shouldn't be changing together. (And the boys should have been spoken to .. of maybe some girl should point at their genitals and laugh, would that help.them gain any empathy in life, probably not).

*The same girl's neighbour 's son

Anyway Op you are 109% right - your dd should not begin wearing crop tops because some boy who sees her change told her she'd look good in one and implied she should wear one like the two other girls. No way, no how.

*100%!

I think you are totally over reacting!

Incidentally you say the shirts are scratchy and she needs something underneath anyway...does this apply to boys too?

I’m always amazed on these threads how many people don’t provide adequate undergarments for their dcs. All my kids wear vests under their school shirts in winter because it’s more cozy and it’s an extra layer. This includes my 16yo ds and my 14yo dd who also wears a bra. I wear a vest for most of the year despite also wearing a bra and never being in a communal undressing situation.

Also baffled by the idea that children should never follow a trend or try to fit in with their peers. Girls between about 5 and 15 seem to be the only people alive who must always be wholly original and not think something their friend has or is a general trend is nice and want it themselves. Adults conform to the clothes of their tribe all the bloody time but little girls must never be influenced.

I think some posters are barking mad, he's a kid not a sex pest.

I think some posters are barking mad, he's a kid not a sex pest

I think as this kid is likely seven and the op doesn't know the context ie her daughter may have said she liked the tops or something, then I think some of the comments are looking at it with adult eyes, and not that of a seven year old.

As said, I'd likely say to my husband or friend, oh you should get that, it would look good on you/you'd suit that. And no offence would be taken. It's highly highly unlikely this little boy was thinking the crop tops sexually.

I think that's the disconnect, some people are putting adult interpretations onto a seven year olds words.

I think some posters are barking mad, he's a kid not a sex pest.

I was unaware of any poster saying he'd a sex pest.

We teach children what is appropriate to say to other children, in this case he needs to be taught it is inappropriate for him to say to a girl that a piece of clothing would look good on her and question why she doesn't wear it.

It's inappropriate, anything remotely sexual aside.