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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad about this comment made to DD?

170 replies

BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 20:10

*all names have been changed.

DD is 7. She is in a mixed Y3/4 class. She was out of sorts after school, eventually I get out of her that she wants to wear crop tops under her school shirt ‘like Amy and Lucy’ (her closest friends)

A bit more digging reveals that Josh, a boy from their class has commented to DD ‘you should wear a top like Amy and Lucy because you would look good in one’. DD doesn’t know if Josh if Y3 or Y4, so he could be 7 but potentially could be 9 years old.

DD is now too embarrassed to change for PE and feels she should wear one. She has shown no interest before now.

Obviously I had a long chat with DD about not doing something just because her friends are but also that it is not ok for anyone to comment on her underwear (or lack thereof) And she shouldn’t change because of a boy’s opinion. However she wouldn’t be swayed so I have suggested she wear a vest for now and see how she gets on and we’ll reassess the crop top aspect in a few weeks.

My question is AIBU to be furious that a boy has made such a comment and made DD feel self conscious?

WIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow and expect that the boy is spoken too and suggest a class talk on appropriate comments?

What would you expect to be done?

OP posts:
madeyemoodysmum · 02/10/2019 21:24

At dds old primary they changed separate from year 6 but 9 seems young to make these comments

24hourshomeedderandcarer · 02/10/2019 21:38

maybe the other girls need the crop tops as they have breast buds coming
my very first bra at 9 was a 32D, by 11 i was a E/F,(last year of juniors)then i just went up and up (j/k cup now and been for years),i dont think they did crop tops in those days but i remember being in vests bigger than my age as i was also very very tall so i developed early,granted this was late 80s/early 90s

our friends daughter has just turned 10,she developed breast buds at 7 and half and used to wear those soft bra types.it was put down to her being overweight
by 8 she needed a C cup and a week after turning 9 she started her periods.my friend got hell of a shock when she started developing pubic and under arm hair at 8

shes never been in school so wasnt mixing daily with girls her own age so it was all new to my friend as she only had boys up to then

it sounds so still talking about little girls this age but it does happen that they develop so early

as a adult maybe your perceiving it as a sexual comment but maybe it was just a passing comment on oh how come you dont wear crop tops then?but no matter his intent if it has made her self conscious i would be telling the teacher

RONNIETRIX · 02/10/2019 21:41

He is 9 yrs old. You are making him out to be a sexual predator?
I think ur over reacting

Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 21:45

Amy potential has reason for a crop top ( and I explained this to Dd) Lucy has no reason at all to wear one.

It was the ‘look good on you’ part that is the biggest issue. But I will speak to Dd again to check the actual wording.

In essence though, a boy has said something, the result of which is Dd now feels embarrassed and that she needs to cover up. This is what had upset me and I think it should be brought to the schools attention, even if to give a gentle reminder to all children about appropriate comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 21:48

ronnie no, I think he needs to be told that it’s inappropriate to comment on girls clothing choices.

OP posts:
BlackberryNettles · 02/10/2019 21:49

I quite surprised they change in the same room, we stopped that after Infants (Year 2).

butterandbread · 02/10/2019 21:55

I completely agree with you, OP. I’d be feeling exactly the same if this was my daughter, for the exact reasons you’ve described.

Yes he’s a young boy, but 9 or not, to tell her she ‘would look good’ in one, is surely concerning? No one is saying he’s a sexual predator, but the fact that kind of thought or comment is even on his radar would worry me as the OP and also as his parents.

I wouldn’t be allowing the crop top either, purely because I’d never want to reinforce that she should conform based on anyone’s opinion, but especially a male. Like OP says, these lessons are learnt without them realising from such an early age.

I think you’ve handled it perfectly with your daughter, OP.

ittakes2 · 02/10/2019 21:56

You said you have questioned her several times - I think you are contributing to the problem. Make it a big deal and it becomes a big deal. A simple response of better not to do something because someone suggests it was enough. But that if you still want a crop top I will buy you one.
I think its a bit mean you won't buy her a crop top - seems to be more on a principle rather than it being because you don't like crop tops. You are contributing to the game!

Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 21:58

Thank you butterandbread glad I’m not the only one to feel this is a symptom of a bigger issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 22:00

ittakes it was a relaxed convo, I made out I’d forgotten and could she tell me again so I was sure of what she’d said. And I said to go with a vest for now as she already has them and see how she feels about the crop top in a week or so.

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 02/10/2019 22:00

Maybe the boy was just a bit embarrassed about seeing your DD's chest and this was his polite way of letting her know that.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 02/10/2019 22:04

Look good is concerning ? Its probably just a nice looking piece of clothing to him

My 8 year old thinks he looks good in his Minecraft t-shirt. He thinks his cousin looks good in her you tube top and wants one himself

A child saying someone would look good in something is not the same as it might be if an adult man might say it

I bet there wouldn't be all this drama if one of the girls had said it

Dieu · 02/10/2019 22:05

I feel like I've just stepped into a parallel universe. The OP has completely overreacted, in my view.

butterandbread · 02/10/2019 22:09

I’m quite surprised that not many seem to agree, OP.

I really think it’s things like this that give our daughters the idea that their body, and men’s opinions on it (or in fact anything at all 🙄) is the thing that matters most in their life. And yes this is one small instance, but before you know it, that’s passed and so have 500 others that have solidified that in her mind without it being something she’s even thought or spoken about.

Was she happy with the vest suggestion, OP?

butterandbread · 02/10/2019 22:10

FWIW, having focussed on men in my comment above, I’d say the same if a girl had said this to my daughter too. I don’t want her growing up thinking that anyone’s, male or female, opinion on her body and what she does with it matters more than her own.

PEkithelp · 02/10/2019 22:11

I think it's likely the boy said it without being aware of what it meant, copying comments he has heard or potentially just an innocent comment. Either way the teacher should have a chat with him about it and how it makes people feel (especially girls' bodies, but also not kind to comment on appearances/clothes in general).

I don't think it's the same as a secondary school boy saying something similar. My 7 year old nephew for example could say something like this but have literally no understanding at all, and would benefit from a gentle but very clear explanation of why it isn't okay.

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 02/10/2019 22:12

I'm sorry your daughter is upset, and it's a good idea to talk to the teacher.

But please don't demonise young boys in this way. He may be a damaged child with skewed over-sexualised behaviour but it's far more likely he's just an innocent wee boy just chatting. If a girl had said this to him would you have been so concerned? If a girl had said this to your daughter would she have been equally upset? Please consider these things before you consign him to realms of sex offenders.

Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 22:12

Yes she was happy with the vest. I explained that if you have nothing to put in a crop top/bra they can be uncomfy, move around and rub so a vest would be better for her. She was happy with this. I used promised we will talk again in a week or so if she still wants a crop top.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 22:15

pass I have answered that - yes I would be upset if a girl said it, no-one should be commenting on how she dresses and what would look good. (Outside a close friend which this boy isn’t) I am not demonising, I think it’s an important teaching opportunity that passing comment like this is not ok.

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 02/10/2019 22:16

The boy could have older sisters and is just repeating what they have said. Lots of girls wear crop tops during the day in the summer with their jeans so I’m really not seeing a problem here.

WonderWomansSpin · 02/10/2019 22:25

No-one should be commenting on how she dresses
If this is the first time anyone has commented on how she dresses then you've been very fortunate. Children comment on clothes all the time - 'that's a nice jacket? why are you wearing a hat?Look at my cool cartoon tshirt, etc, etc, etc.'
You're tying yourself in knots trying to make a point. And ultimately, your DD asked for a crop top and you made up excuses about it being uncomfortable to push her towards a vest instead.
I don't think there was anything sexual in the boy's comment and I think it's much more likely that it has prompted your DD to consider why she is dressed differently from her closest friends.
By all means mention it to the school. But I think you should consider your extreme reluctance to let her change her mind about what she wears and to let her wear something to fit in with her friends. The transition from a vest to a crop top to a bra is quite important for a girl. I'd be concerned that you're sending a message that that will make that transition more awkward and difficult for her.

Tweetingmagpie · 02/10/2019 22:25

Not really what the thread is about but I don’t get the big deal about crop tips, they’re just short vests really aren’t they? It’s not like sending a 7 year old in wearing a balcony bra Grin

sauvignonblancplz · 02/10/2019 22:28

Like others have said if you react like this every time someone says something to your daughter it’s going to be a very long 12 years.

Children very often respond to what their peers are doing and what they were happy with that morning can change dramatically after a day at school; because of what has been said etc

Speak to the teacher , but please do consider what others are saying on the thread and don’t place so much maturity on the shoulders of this young boy whilst protesting your own child’s divine innocence & purity. This boy might be just as innocent. Maybe he’s gone home and said about the girl in his class getting changed and flashing her chest at him! How would you feel if that mum was demonising your daughter?
Take a step back and calm down.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/10/2019 22:30

Girls don’t need breasts to wear a crop top though: it’s just a less cosy vest surely? And girls can feel embarrassed about not having a top on long before they get breasts.

A crop top can be comfortable and stop clothes rubbing when they start developing.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 02/10/2019 22:31

What is a crop top? I have a feeling it might be different in the UK than it is here