To be mad about this comment made to DD?

[BeeAndNettle]

*all names have been changed.

DD is 7. She is in a mixed Y3/4 class. She was out of sorts after school, eventually I get out of her that she wants to wear crop tops under her school shirt ‘like Amy and Lucy’ (her closest friends)

A bit more digging reveals that Josh, a boy from their class has commented to DD ‘you should wear a top like Amy and Lucy because you would look good in one’. DD doesn’t know if Josh if Y3 or Y4, so he could be 7 but potentially could be 9 years old.

DD is now too embarrassed to change for PE and feels she should wear one. She has shown no interest before now.

Obviously I had a long chat with DD about not doing something just because her friends are but also that it is not ok for anyone to comment on her underwear (or lack thereof) And she shouldn’t change because of a boy’s opinion. However she wouldn’t be swayed so I have suggested she wear a vest for now and see how she gets on and we’ll reassess the crop top aspect in a few weeks.

My question is AIBU to be furious that a boy has made such a comment and made DD feel self conscious?

WIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow and expect that the boy is spoken too and suggest a class talk on appropriate comments?

What would you expect to be done?

There are 30 kids in the class. We are new to the school so I have no idea which year the boy is in, no idea who he is, I just have his name. I will have another chat with DD and try and confirm the definite wording again. I appreciate he could be 7, potentially only turned 7 a month and a bit ago, however he needs to know it’s not an appropriate comment.

You would not be unreasonable to raise this issue with the school. 7, 8 and 9 year olds these days are frequently exposed to more than 7, 8 and 9 year olds when we were all growing up ... via the internet, movies, video games, etc ... and they are repeating what they see and what older siblings are sharing, too. This needs to be addressed now, to all the boys most likely.

Please raise it.

I’d definitely raise this issue with the teacher, I’d be absolutely appalled if my son said something like this I’d be appalled.

If your Dd is now "uncomfortable" changing in the classroom then the teacher should provide somewhere for her (and any other girls who wish) to change in a single sex environment. I believe this is the guidance, as girls do mature and develop at different ages.

Furious at a boy who is, at most, just turned 9? and is already making comments about what girls should wear under their shirts.

There, finished that sentence for you.

I think you may be blowing this out of proportion (possibly) At that age a crop top is not a bra - it is 1/3 of a vest. The boy, if he is 7 or 8 may be simply making an innocent comment.

When my daughter first asked for a crop top as all her friends were wearing them, I wasn't very keen on the idea. But I later realised that I was mistaken and they are simply comfortable under a blouse and not a bad idea if they are all changing together - obviously a vest would do the same job!

Furious at a boy who is, at most, just turned 9? and is already making comments about what girls should wear under their shirts

Furious at a boy who is, at most, just turned 9? and is already making comments about what girls should wear under their shirts. At just turned 9 it's hard to judge his motivation for these comments or his understanding of their affect upon others.

There, finished the sentence for you.

My girls switched from vests to crop tops in about Y4. And by Y6 they wanted the bra shaped crop tops.

I would be led by what your DD wants, but yes it is inappropriate for a boy to be commenting.

If DD has come and asked to wear one because she just wanted one I wouldn’t be trying to stop her, but she’s only asked for it because a boy has made a comment. She has genuinely never mentioned it before this comment. She didn’t feel she needed one until this boy said she should. I don’t want her to sub-consciously learn to change herself based on what a boy thinks.

In my experience sometimes children (or anyone really) remember how they felt rather than exactly what was said. Boy might have said "why do Amy and Lucy were tops and you dont?"

Dd felt different/embarrassed/not as good as Amy and Lucy and is now remembering her feelings and paraphrasing what boy said.

That said she could be repeating word for word, but I would not be convinced either way.

Vest or crop top seems good solution and speaking to teacher as boy should be told to respect privacy during changing.

8/9 is usually the watershed age for children to be separated out for getting changed at junior schools that I’ve been involved with.

Yes it’s horrible to see your dds self view and self confidence crumble as they become subject to the male gaze. Even if it’s a very young gaze. Worth talking to the teacher as no matter what motivated the boy to comment , he needs reminding about personal space, personal remarks and keeping his opinions about others bodies to himself,

Can’t you buy her the crop top and forget about the boy’s comment? He’s a primary school aged child, probably 7 or 8, and hasn’t a real clue about what he’s said? Being furious about it is wasted emotion? If you make a big deal about it your daughter will too!

john it is a big deal because this morning DD had no interest in a crop top. A boy’s comment, however he meant it, has made her feel she needs one.

ohyes I will make sure to query the changing arrangement with the teacher.

If you’re going to get upset every time some kid says something to your daughter that she doesn’t like it’s going to be a very long childhood for you to navigate.

Yes, a boy's, he is also a child.

She wants a crop top. It’s not the end of the world is it?

At 9 yes they begin to notice that sort of thing, inappropriate or just observation? Worth talking to teacher so teacher can perhaps talk to whole class about boundaries don't feel appropriate to involve the boy.

I think the assumption that OP's DD is being sexually harassed is really over the top at this point. None of us were present when the boy, who may be 7 years old, made the comment.

It's upsetting that the OP's DD is now so uncomfortable getting undressed, I'd feel upset for my DD too in a similar situation. However demonising this boy without understanding the full story - he may genuinely have made a throwaway comment without any malicious intent - is bizarre.

Out of interest OP, if it was a girl who had made this comment would you feel equally as cross?

john if she wants one for herself of course not. For her to want one because a boy says so? That is a big deal to me. Because in ten years time she may be faced with men suggesting other things to her and it is important she knows from a young age that she never had to change because a boy/man says so. These sort of lessons are learnt at a young age without them knowing. It is a big deal.

eastie yes but slightly different. I want Dd to be confident enough not to change herself based on others opinions but I feel that is extra important when it comes to a make’s opinion.

I’d buy your daughter the crop top if she wants it. I wore one from around 8 and that was back in the late 80s

But I would also have a word about them sharing a changing area with boys. I would have hated that at any age

It would concern me that he’d said she’d ‘look good’ in one - it’s a strange comment for a boy that age to make.

Mind you I hear children 11-14 talking and the sex talk is horiffic, truly shocking

incrediblysad that’s why it concerned me so much.

In ten years time I would entirely agree with you, a 19 year old telling a 17 year old what to wear under her top because he would be aware of what he was saying and it would probably be sexually motivated. At 7 years old this is very different. He is such a little child and probably entirely unaware of what he’s said, as was your daughter until you started this!