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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad about this comment made to DD?

170 replies

BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 20:10

*all names have been changed.

DD is 7. She is in a mixed Y3/4 class. She was out of sorts after school, eventually I get out of her that she wants to wear crop tops under her school shirt ‘like Amy and Lucy’ (her closest friends)

A bit more digging reveals that Josh, a boy from their class has commented to DD ‘you should wear a top like Amy and Lucy because you would look good in one’. DD doesn’t know if Josh if Y3 or Y4, so he could be 7 but potentially could be 9 years old.

DD is now too embarrassed to change for PE and feels she should wear one. She has shown no interest before now.

Obviously I had a long chat with DD about not doing something just because her friends are but also that it is not ok for anyone to comment on her underwear (or lack thereof) And she shouldn’t change because of a boy’s opinion. However she wouldn’t be swayed so I have suggested she wear a vest for now and see how she gets on and we’ll reassess the crop top aspect in a few weeks.

My question is AIBU to be furious that a boy has made such a comment and made DD feel self conscious?

WIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow and expect that the boy is spoken too and suggest a class talk on appropriate comments?

What would you expect to be done?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 22:32

But she has never worn a vest before now (we have them as they were part of a hand me down bundle). She has never felt the need before now. This isn’t a natural progression it has been triggered by a comment. She had no need of a crop top, her chest looks the same as her twin brothers and absolutely I will try and protect her from the crap part of being female which is dressing how others think you should as long as I can.

If she had come and said ‘mum I feel that I want to wear a crop top now’ that is totally different to ‘I want a crop top because a boy says I should’. It sets a dangerous precident.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 22:33

tumbling in this context I mean like a cut off vest u set normal clothes, a child’s version of a bra.

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 02/10/2019 22:35

He's a young kid. I think it's more grim that you're passing comment on which if your DD's friends 'have reason to wear' a crop top tbh and sharing those thoughts with your DD.
It's no one's business what underwear girls choose to wear due to reasons of personal dignity, which is kind of the point of your thread and yet there you are, a grown adult judging who does and doesn't 'need' to wear underwear.

LolaSmiles · 02/10/2019 22:36

I think you need to speak to the teacher.

I don't think people should vilify the boy though. Any comment at that age that might have inappropriate undertones suggests he has been exposed to material and comments that are not age appropriate, meaning he could also be vulnerable.

pikapikachu · 02/10/2019 22:38

I'm surprised that they changed in mixed sex circumstances. My kids schools separated from y3.

My sons have mentioned other boys wearing "odd" pants like character or briefs at that age. The boys comment could be innocent in that he's asking why she hasn't made the same choice as her friends rather than a pervy comment. My dd started wearing crop tops when she noticed other girls wearing them when they changed for PE. My son asked for boxers when he noticed some boys had made the change from briefs. It's crap that she feels really self conscious as a result of the comment but this will be the first of many that she hears or experiences. Your dd is fast approaching an age where she'll hear or experience comments about diets, eyebrows, body hair....

BrokenLogs · 02/10/2019 22:39

I hated that DD had to get changed in class with others when she went to school in the UK.

We left the UK when she was in year 2 but I would not have allowed it once she got to 8/9.

In Australia they wear their sports uniform to school on the day they have PE. No changing in front of anyone.

I would mention it to the teacher as the comment was possibly harmless, but definitely inappropriate.

Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 22:41

Not judging at all, just stating that from a development point of view one girl has reason to want a crop top and the other doesn’t. I gaff no issue with them wearing them. I explained to Dd that without any breasts to put in a crop top a vest may be more comfortable for her if she feels she wants to wear some thing and that girls all start to develop and hence need supportive underwear at different ages.

OP posts:
TumblingTumbleWeeds · 02/10/2019 22:43

OP Okay I get it now. Thanks. Here a crop top is a very short tee shirt worn by women and men.

Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 22:46

tumbling it can be that here too, interchangeably with the wonderful term ‘boob tube’!!

OP posts:
SarahTancredi · 02/10/2019 22:47

I find it worrying people are minimising what the boy said.

I remember the boys peering through the holes in the swim.shed changing rooms when I was at school.

Dd had her chest grabbed by a boy giggling about boobies in yr 2 ffs. They are far more aware than people give them credit for and the excuses go on and on and on...

They really should be allowed to change separately in juniors. It's not on

Beansandcoffee · 02/10/2019 22:47

Sounds like your daughter wants to wear a crop top but knows that you don’t want her to wear a crop top.

Sagradafamiliar · 02/10/2019 22:49

Sorry OP but you've made your motives clear in your latest post. Ew.

callmeadoctor · 02/10/2019 22:50

Children at that age will say anything to get their own way re clothes so I would tread carefully I think.

Rachelle11 · 02/10/2019 22:51

I am surprised so many people find the comment outrageous. I think you should also talk to your dd about not letting a comment like that affect her. He said she would look nice in a piece of clothing. Not that she needs it. Just that it looks nice. I think this is being sexualized which is just creepy since we are talking about children.

SarahTancredi · 02/10/2019 22:57

I think this is being sexualized which is just creepy since we are talking about children

But they dont go from completely innocent to asking for blow jobs in.year 7. The drip drip drip minimising and ignoring inappropriate behaviour is what gets them to that point.

Maybe it was innocent it probably was. Maybe it wasnt but it's never too young to instill in children that you dont comment on people bodies or underwear.

Branleuse · 02/10/2019 22:58

Its usually when their peers make comments or start wearing them too that little girls start asking for them. I don't think its a big deal. Id probably get her a crop top if she wanted one. You can get a pack for about 4 quid in asda. Theyre just short vests. Hardly asking for a push up bra.

WonderWomansSpin · 02/10/2019 22:59

If she had come and said ‘mum I feel that I want to wear a crop top now
Would it be easy for her to have that conversation with you? She might be worried about raising it especially if she thinks you might disagree.
To re-iterate, still mention the comment to the school. But there's a real sense that you don't want her to wear a crop top. You mentioned the vests were hand-me-downs. Is the cost of crop tops an issue for you OP? because that would be an entirely valid reason to be trying to steer DD to clothes you already have.

Notcontent · 02/10/2019 23:08

I agree with SarahT - i don’t understand why so many people are minimising the issue and just saying “oh, just buy her a crop top”.

Branleuse · 02/10/2019 23:18

Because weve mostly got kids whove been through this stage and its utterly normal.
Little boys start refusing to wear briefs and want boxer shorts, little girls want a crop top etc etc, Sometimes its boys make comments, sometimes its girls.

Eastie77 · 02/10/2019 23:21

Surely the lesson for her is not to be pressured into wearing anything based on a boy or girls opinion. However whilst the fact that a boy made the comment has left you feeling 'mad', if a girl made the same comment you would feel 'differently' (your response to my question down thread)

Whether the intent was sexist (from a boy) or just plain malice (from a girl), if the impact on your daughter was the same and she was left distressed, why would you feel differently about it based on the perpetrator's sex? Peer pressure from other girls is likely to be just as big an issue for your DD as comments from boys as she grows older.

Bowerbird5 · 02/10/2019 23:24

Speak to the teacher.

Only Yr 5 and 6 get changed separately in our school.

CharityDingle · 02/10/2019 23:28

Sadly this is a topic often trolled on mumsnet. Sad

Thehagonthehill · 02/10/2019 23:29

I'm with you OP.
My DD started her periods the end of year 5 so was developing before that.She wore vests,moved on to vests with secret support.Her friends had crop tops and empty bras on yr 6.
DD was happy with vests and now she is 16 agrees that bras are something tone delayed and fling hers off as soon as she gets in but is still wearing secret support vests as an alternative.
I do think that rather than skirt around the issue you need to talk about why she felt uncomfortable about the boys comments(his motives need addressing with the teacher as the children should have seperate changing facilities but whether he meant anything by it or not is irrelevant as that had no baring on the OPs daughter),I say this because it opens the way for her to talk about other issues,now and on the future about bodies,image and the fact that boys will say things and our girls at least need to have a strong sense of where the boundary's of acceptable are and be confident enough to dismiss them or call them out.
Our children are exposed to too much too early in some cases and while we prepare girls many mums are happy to leave their boys to be children for longer and aren't aware that the girls changing bodies around them are if unchecked leading to streriotypical comments picked up from older men in their lives.

MombieHunter · 02/10/2019 23:29

Are you sure it was P.E and not DRAMA.

WonderWomansSpin · 02/10/2019 23:30

I agree with SarahT - i don’t understand why so many people are minimising the issue and just saying “oh, just buy her a crop top”
Because as Bran said, we've got DCs and have been through this stage. Also, because there's more than one issue here.
Yy the teacher could have a learning point about not commenting on people's clothes (even though they know it's futile). But that doesn't change the fact that OP's DD wants a crop top now and for reasons of misguided principle, OP doesn't want to get her one.

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