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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad about this comment made to DD?

170 replies

BeeAndNettle · 02/10/2019 20:10

*all names have been changed.

DD is 7. She is in a mixed Y3/4 class. She was out of sorts after school, eventually I get out of her that she wants to wear crop tops under her school shirt ‘like Amy and Lucy’ (her closest friends)

A bit more digging reveals that Josh, a boy from their class has commented to DD ‘you should wear a top like Amy and Lucy because you would look good in one’. DD doesn’t know if Josh if Y3 or Y4, so he could be 7 but potentially could be 9 years old.

DD is now too embarrassed to change for PE and feels she should wear one. She has shown no interest before now.

Obviously I had a long chat with DD about not doing something just because her friends are but also that it is not ok for anyone to comment on her underwear (or lack thereof) And she shouldn’t change because of a boy’s opinion. However she wouldn’t be swayed so I have suggested she wear a vest for now and see how she gets on and we’ll reassess the crop top aspect in a few weeks.

My question is AIBU to be furious that a boy has made such a comment and made DD feel self conscious?

WIBU to speak to the teacher tomorrow and expect that the boy is spoken too and suggest a class talk on appropriate comments?

What would you expect to be done?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 02/10/2019 23:33

charityDingle
Quite true. It's why I always feel a bit wary of this topic and the almost inevitable replies about stages of development and periods in younger kids.

WonderWomansSpin · 02/10/2019 23:33

Charity I feel like an idiot. You're quite right. If there was a duh emoji I'd put it here.
We should probably stop sharing stories about female development, crop tops and bras.

SarahTancredi · 02/10/2019 23:34

Because weve mostly got kids whove been through this stage and its utterly normal
Little boys start refusing to wear briefs and want boxer shorts, little girls want a crop top etc etc, Sometimes its boys make comments, sometimes its girls

It's too separate issues isnt it?

No one should he commenting on someone elses bodies and underwear. It's not appropriate and I think.its important we tell all our kids this. The comments may start off innocent but if allowed to continue and conversations not had about what's acceptable and what isnt well then it leads to massive problems. It's no good just ignoring it saying that's what they do. It shouldn't be.

And I've never seen any item of clothing debated and unapproved of the way crop tops are. 8/9 year old boys commenting on one is apparently innocent whilst a girl the same age asking for one is a sign shes far too sexualised and what's wrong with a vest?

I dont know what the hang up is it's a short vest not a peep hole push up bra. If they want one then let them have it.

If they dont then that's perfectly fine too.

But no one should he making them.feel uncomfortable either way

CharityDingle · 02/10/2019 23:53

Quite true. It's why I always feel a bit wary of this topic and the almost inevitable replies about stages of development and periods in younger kids.

Absolutely.

Charity I feel like an idiot. You're quite right. If there was a duh emoji I'd put it here.
We should probably stop sharing stories about female development, crop tops and bras.

No, not at all, no need for a duh emoji.
But absolutely agree re stop sharing of stories. Sad

Lulualla · 03/10/2019 00:00

I'm surprised they still change in the classroom together. In our school, the P1, P2 &P3 change in class, but from P4 (7/8 years old) onwards they change in the sex segregated changing rooms.

jennymanara · 03/10/2019 00:10

I am amazed at how many posters think a possibly 9 year old would never say anything sexual. I do think they have totally forgotten from their own childhood what 9 year old boys are like. They behave differently with girls than they do with their mummy.

Aprillygirl · 03/10/2019 00:44

I am amazed at how many posters think a possibly 9 year old would never say anything sexual. I do think they have totally forgotten from their own childhood what 9 year old boys are like. They behave differently with girls than they do with their mummy.

Wow the hatred of the male species starts early I see. Please tell me you don't have a son after coming out with such bile Confused

Countryescape · 03/10/2019 02:01

They should not be changing together at all at primary school. That’s the part id be annoyed about. At 9 some girls will be developing and have their periods. It’s totally inappropriate for them to be in a communal changing room.

EverdeRose · 03/10/2019 02:14

I find it very strange that you think she's old enough for a comment about her clothing from a child of the same age to be sexual. Yet send her to school without a vest on despite knowing she'll be changing in front of other children.

justheretostalk · 03/10/2019 03:04

I can’t believe all the schools that only seperate for changing from year 5 and six..

Every single school I have ever attended, my kids have attended, I’ve ever heard about have seperate boys and girls changing rooms for all year levels.

Crazy.

LoreleiRock · 03/10/2019 03:48

I bet she just wants a crop too, like her friends. However, you have made it such a big deal that she feels she has to deflect. You questioned her several times? But they were relaxed conversations? OR... You were found out so you made up shit?

OwlBeThere · 03/10/2019 04:31

Surely there is a sensible middle ground here between ‘it doesn’t matter just get her a crop top’ and furious anger that he needs telling off.
Talk to the teacher, gentle conversation about privacy and appropriate comments. Move on.

Really no need for all the drama.

SwanNecking · 03/10/2019 04:56

Why do you think his comment was in appropriate and not a complement?

Zoflorabore · 03/10/2019 05:06

I’ve spoken about this recently on another thread. Dd is 8 and in year 4. She also has her first male teacher and a female TA.

At the “meet the new teacher” group session a few weeks ago I asked if the girls
could have a separate space to get changed for PE.
A few looks were given but as I explained, dd is developing and I do not want her feeling uncomfortable. The teacher agreed to look into it and by the next PE lesson it was arranged that female TA would take the girls off and the male teacher would stay with the boys.
Dd said a few of the girls had been teased previously for wearing a “bra” which was only a crop top and until this year they had been getting changed as a class all together.

I’m glad I spoke out because the other girls in the class will be developing at some point, a few already are and will no doubt feel less embarrassed being with the girls.

Dd said when they had swimming lessons recently some of the girls were happy to strip off and others hid behind a towel.

We need to make sure that all children feel comfortable about their changing bodies but I wasn’t insinuating that the lovely boys in her class are potential sad pests.

Zoflorabore · 03/10/2019 05:06

Sex pests not sad pests.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2019 05:59

The children changed together at dds school in yr4. I can’t remember about yr5 but they were separated definitely in yr6.

Speak to the school. Buy your dd the tops. Children say things and it can have a massive impact. Dd has had the same sort of thing said to her about her weight, about shoes. It can be annoying and / or very hurtful. At this age, children don’t make such a difference between what is sexual and what is not imo. Or if they do it can be a safeguarding red flag.

SarahTancredi · 03/10/2019 06:46

Wow the hatred of the male species starts early I see. Please tell me you don't have a son after coming out with such bile

And here we have the reason this crap starts so young. Because any mention at all that lods can be inappropriate is deemed as hatred

The inner have our dds who have to put up with the comments and the touching because seemingly they are only hung and the boys cant help itHmm

We used to get the boys spying on hs getting changed fir swinning at school.

My dd aged 7 had her chest groped.

But I guess she should just put up with stuff like that so as not to spread hatred?

We all just need to be aware that this stuff starts a hell of alot younger than you might think and we need to act accordingly by teaching our kid basics like underwear and bodies being private

SarahTancredi · 03/10/2019 06:47

Only young

I've not had my coffee yet...

cocomelon23 · 03/10/2019 07:01

My ds classes have always had girls and boys change separately, even since reception.

Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 03/10/2019 07:20

So, after further chat with DD...

Josh is on her table and they change at their places. Lucy is also on this table.

The comment was made at break time after PE. Dd says it made her feel ‘weird’ but then it ‘made me think they do look comfy’. She then said her PE shirt rubs a bit and maybe it would help with that. She is happy to wear a vest for now and then chat again.

I have reiterated that this is for her to decide but she shouldn’t change if she doesn’t want to just because of something someone else (boy or girl) says.

Have established from DS that Josh is Y3, so 7 or 8.

I am going to speak to the teacher about seperate changing and about Josh’s comment. Whether it was innocent or a sign that he has been exposed to inappropriate content is beside the point, he needs to be (gently) told it’s not ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 03/10/2019 07:27

To add: if Amy or Lucy has for example said ‘why don’t you wear one, it’s really comfy’ then it would be a different conversation. I am not opposed to her wearing them, but I am opposed to her being made to feel she should wear something just on someone else’s say so.

To answer a Pp, I can afford to buy them for her and will if she decides she wants them. I just have never used vests on my kids after the baby stage, just layered them with t-shirts/jumpers. I gave a friend who hands down all her Dds things which includes vests. Dd has never worn them.

OP posts:
SarahTancredi · 03/10/2019 07:27

Right- chat about separate changing. Great needs to be done.

But for the love of god you need to stop grilling your dd about this now.you are doing more damage than the boy did.

If she wants an crop top her her a crop top I have no idea why you are so weird about her having one. Shirts are scratchy and see through and even before development they need something underneath them.

Dont be that mum.

Shes not there for you to make some.lount ahes a child and needs/wants what she needs/wants.

The boy shouldn't have said what he said and you have already explained she shouldnt change what she wears for oryer people.

But you sound so desperate for her to not want one it's getting disturbing.

SarahTancredi · 03/10/2019 07:28

Some point

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2019 07:33

This one requires a bit of thought op.

Firstly the lad is seven. There will be nothing sexual about this if that's where you're going. He likely heard the phrase at home. A mother saying it to a daughter, a sibling to a sibling. And sees it as complimentary.

Your daughter is of an age she will be becoming self conscious of her body. The other girls are covering up. She would like to do the same. No one likes to be the different one. And couple in the self consciousness, her reaction is normal as natural.

So I wouldn't assume her reaction is solely based on the boys comments, more a mixture of her own feelings.

I would tread gently here with the teacher. As deciding it was inappropriate is possibly putting a meaning on it that was never there.

Explaining to your daughter that it's ok to be different, but she should do things because she wishes to, and not becaus anyone suggests it to her is the way forward to help her understand

So what I'm saying is what's important here is your daughter, and how she handles comments, not the boy.

Original poster
BeeAndNettle · 03/10/2019 07:34

Not at all sarah I just said I’m happy for her to have them if it’s what she wants. And I have very open conversations with all my dc, we were lying on my bed and it was a cosy mother daughter chat, no ‘grilling’ and no pressure from me. Dd is perfectly happy this morning and happy about wearing a vest.

Incidentally you say the shirts are scratchy and she needs something underneath anyway...does this apply to boys too? My boys have never asked to wear anything under theirs...

OP posts: