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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unfair?

160 replies

stillhavenoidea · 02/10/2019 12:50

Posted in Parenting but donning my hard hat and reposting here for traffic...

It's a long one....

Ds9 dad and I have been separated since ds was about 18 months and looking back we should never really have been together. He was very controlling and always thinks his way is the only way but I couldn't see it at the time and it took years for me to actually stand up to him even in small ways.

Our arrangement has always been 50:50 with a 3 day/4 day rotation and he still pays child support which the cms website says he should (had to check this a few times as everything I've seen on mn seems to state that no child support is due if 50:50 arrangement). All of this has just been done between us and I've no idea if the figure is correct as I have no idea what his salary is and what he gives me is plenty as far as I'm concerned. I probably wouldn't have agreed to 50:50 if I wasn't talked into it and told over and over how unreasonable I was being. I wasn't working at the time and DS spends a lot of exes time with his grandparents rather than his dad due to long work hours.

My issue now is that I've been with DP for a few years and am pregnant (ex doesn't know yet and I'm sure he'll have lots to say about it even though he lives with his current DP and her dd). I'd like to move to dp's home town which is 20 miles in one direction from where I am now and ex lives another 10 miles in the opposite direction. I know many exes make it work with that distance but I don't drive so all I can imagine are exes objections and I'm worried that he'll wear me down and convince me I'm being unreasonable. I do think it will mean changing our standing arrangement and ex will get less than 50% which I feel bad about but I'm worried that he'll wear me down again and I'll end up giving in and putting my life on hold again.

Would I really be so unreasonable to move?

OP posts:
Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 12:53

Hmmm how does this benefit your son?

Lllot5 · 02/10/2019 12:54

So you’ll be 40 miles away? If he is the only driver I think it’s unfair, you want to move for your own reasons no reason why he should see less if his son or do all the travelling.

Perisoire · 02/10/2019 12:54

How much does ex actually see DS in his 50%? I.e. does his parents have DS one or two days a week?

Why does he want DS so much if he’s not actually around to spend time with him?

In light of his controlling behaviour, I would just move.

SmileCheese · 02/10/2019 12:57

It doesn't sound like it will benefit your son to move another 20 miles away, move schools and lose out on the arrangement that he's known his whole life.

I think you need to strongly think about how this will affect your son rather than how it would benefit you.

kitk · 02/10/2019 12:59

When ex and I split up he moved 100 miles away. I then moved 100 miles in the other direction. Since we both moved we share the travelling. I'm also a non driver though that's my choice and spend a fortune I don't have on the national express to do my share of the travelling to drop off and pick up DD. I think if you do move you need to be prepared to do similar. You might be lucky though- maybe your agreement isn't working for him anymore and he's open to less time with DS, but you'd need to discuss to be sure about that. I don't think you're unreasonable to want to move, but you would be it you expect to have it all your own way with no inconvenience to yourself re travel etc

JacquesHammer · 02/10/2019 12:59

How will the move affect your son? That should be your first consideration.

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 13:00

Thirty miles doesn't seem that much to me. But you will need to be able to sort transportation so the arrangement doesn't change. It's not fair to limit his time with the kids, or their time with him, due to your life choices.

BarbedBloom · 02/10/2019 13:00

I think you are being unfair to be honest. It isn't okay to reduce your DS' contact with his father for these reasons. As you are moving away you should be responsible for travel, so I would look into how you will get your son to him by public transport.

Oodlesandpoodles · 02/10/2019 13:02

Move -

Having a happier home life with your new DP will in turn make your DS happy.

If his dad doesn’t want to make an effort and drive to see his son then he is not much of a dad.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/10/2019 13:03

Family courts will take all circumstances into consideration, moving 20 miles away isn’t an issue in itself, however you not driving is, does your partner drive, what is the public transport like in the new area etc... these are all questions you should be asking yourself.

I’ve recently had a friend whose ex was abusive, he “refused” to allow her to leave her area... she upped and left to be close to her support network, and told him after the fact.

Oodlesandpoodles · 02/10/2019 13:03

It’s not unfair for you to move and CARRY ON with your life, I don’t see why people blame mothers like this

CalmdownJanet · 02/10/2019 13:04

I think yabu, I think you need to learn to drive and take the lions share of the driving. Will your ds have to change schools? If so that's a lot of change, less time with dad, new baby, new home, new town, new friends, and possibly a new school. So you live with your dp at the moment?

JacquesHammer · 02/10/2019 13:05

Having a happier home life with your new DP will in turn make your DS happy

You cannot possibly make a statement like that as fact.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/10/2019 13:08

I think you would be being unfair to move away and to expect that this choice would mean you would reduce your ex's contact time. I don't think that is in your ds' best interest. Can't you live in your current area with your new partner?

AllFourOfThem · 02/10/2019 13:10

Yanbu to move but fully expect that you will find the travel to maintain contact falls on you as the parent who has moved away. Are you ok with that?

If contact has been 50/50 then any court would back that remaining the same. Spending time with your DS’s family on his father’s side during his 50% of the time is fine and it’s good he has such a good relationship with them. You might find a court could rule that your DS spends more than 50% of his time with his father if you move. Again, are you ok with this?

SmileCheese · 02/10/2019 13:11

Having a happier home life with your new DP will in turn make your DS happy.

How can you possibly know that. In order to have this so called happy home life the OP is proposing her son spend less time with his father, move home and probably move school all whilst adapting to a new sibling. It doesn't sound like he's going to be all that happy.

lunar1 · 02/10/2019 13:13

Why can't your partner move to you?

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2019 13:14

What does your DS think about the move? Is he happy with how things are now?

What about school? Friends? Clubs?

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 13:14

YABU to think you can move and either force your ex to reduce his contact or force him to do all the travelling. That's not on. Why can't your DP move to where you stay? Your DS is going to have a new sibling to contend with soon as well as a move? No, that's not fair.

Teddybear45 · 02/10/2019 13:14

Think about how you would feel if ex went to court, asked for, and obtained residency because of the move resulting in too much change for your DS at the same time (move + new baby + living with your DP for the first time)? As you have 50/50 and he’s 9, theoretically either parent could have residency. Would you be happy to travel the distance to see him? If not then don’t move.

Justherefortheparkingthread · 02/10/2019 13:15

Why can’t your DP move to your town?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/10/2019 13:16

less time with dad

You mean his grandparents as his Dad does not have him the 50% of the time as he’s working Hmm

Parents are allowed a life outside of their children, they have to take measures for the WHOLE family and not just the child, no point the mum being isolated with little support from her partner simply because the controlling EX wants to control where she lives so it’s easier on him to see his child.

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 13:19

"no point the mum being isolated with little support from her partner simply because the controlling EX wants to control where she lives so it’s easier on him to see his child."

It's not controlling to want to see your child. How is he controlling by wanting as close to 50:50 as he can, even if he does work? And why can't the DP move?

SmileCheese · 02/10/2019 13:21

You mean his grandparents as his Dad does not have him the 50% of the time as he’s working

So he's now a shit parent because he allows his son to spend time with his grandparents whilst he works? Millions of people make the same choice. 50/50 contact time doesn't mean he has to be physically with his Dad at all times when its his dads days and his mum at all times on her days. Hmm Presumably being with his paternal grandparents for a while is better than his father not working at all and being able to provide a roof over his head.

Bellringer · 02/10/2019 13:31

How old is dc, what does he think? 30 miles not far. Lots of kids travel 2hours twice on alternate weekends. You should share transport until he is old enough to get there on his own. Less time in the week but more in holidays? What about school?

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