Am I being unfair?

[stillhavenoidea]

Posted in Parenting but donning my hard hat and reposting here for traffic...

It's a long one....

Ds9 dad and I have been separated since ds was about 18 months and looking back we should never really have been together. He was very controlling and always thinks his way is the only way but I couldn't see it at the time and it took years for me to actually stand up to him even in small ways.

Our arrangement has always been 50:50 with a 3 day/4 day rotation and he still pays child support which the cms website says he should (had to check this a few times as everything I've seen on mn seems to state that no child support is due if 50:50 arrangement). All of this has just been done between us and I've no idea if the figure is correct as I have no idea what his salary is and what he gives me is plenty as far as I'm concerned. I probably wouldn't have agreed to 50:50 if I wasn't talked into it and told over and over how unreasonable I was being. I wasn't working at the time and DS spends a lot of exes time with his grandparents rather than his dad due to long work hours.

My issue now is that I've been with DP for a few years and am pregnant (ex doesn't know yet and I'm sure he'll have lots to say about it even though he lives with his current DP and her dd). I'd like to move to dp's home town which is 20 miles in one direction from where I am now and ex lives another 10 miles in the opposite direction. I know many exes make it work with that distance but I don't drive so all I can imagine are exes objections and I'm worried that he'll wear me down and convince me I'm being unreasonable. I do think it will mean changing our standing arrangement and ex will get less than 50% which I feel bad about but I'm worried that he'll wear me down again and I'll end up giving in and putting my life on hold again.

Would I really be so unreasonable to move?

@JacquesHammer

God there’s some posters with Major agendas on this thread.

I’m sure your situations are all very terrible and all but try not to project into the OP. It’s unfair and tiresome.

Agreed, the number of people trying to keep OP down in the mire is depressing.

I'm really not, I'm just trying to actually do something for myself for once and that would benefit my family overall.
No, you want to do this because it does suit you. Less commute costs, a better house for you, more maintenance because even if you say that you wouldn't ask for more, I bet you'd think differently in a couple of years time.

You are doing it for you and your new family and it is no different to what selfish fathers do when they move and make a new life with their new partner and they are called selfish *.

The moment you agree to a 50/50, on the basis that it is the best for the child, you accept that you will be more limited in movement that in standard arrangement.

The only situation where it would be reasonable is if the child was indeed absolutely happy to move to, that is not just telling mum what she wants to hear, but telling their true feelings to someone they trust and who will genuinely act in their best interest.

Has your son actually said to you, in a confident voice, looking at you in the eyes that indeed, he would love to move there, start in a new school and that he doesn't mind seeing his dad every week-end instead and won't mind the commute in buses/trains. That of course will come the time when he might want to do activities over the week-ends with his new school friends, and that it likely means that he will want to prioritise these and therefore end up seeing his dad even less.

Why would OP expect more maintenance @swingofthings ?

Agreed, the number of people trying to keep OP down in the mire is depressing

Gosh your life must be very tricky if you see “consider the impact on your child” as “keeping the OP down in the more”.

Do you find basic comprehension a struggle usually?

What a ridiculous assumption. OP has already said ex would have more quality time with his son because he could have his son on weekends, when he’s not working.

Well he wouldn't because his son probably wouldn't want to go and see his Dad when he could be hanging out with his friends or going to a party or to a sport club instead. It will simply mean he says he doesn't want to go and the Op wont make him so his Dad will spend no time with him.

@SmileCheese why wouldn’t the OP make him? She makes him go on his current 3/4 days so this doesn’t have to change. You really shouldn’t assume what OP won’t do. She obviously wants the best for her child.

Having a new baby and moving home , and reducing his contact with his father will make DS feel second best . Seems very unfair in him

He currently has him 3-4 days a week and nothing you suggest would seem fair as it will inevitably mean he doesn't get to spend any quality time with his son

He doesn't spend 3-4 days quality time with DS. It's the gps who would actually have their time reduced with DS. If I said ex could pick DS up from school on a Friday and the. I would collect him late Sunday afternoon EVERY weekend he'd probably end up with more quality time. Would that be fair? Yes, I'd sacrifice weekends but I'd have every evening with him and half the holidays still. It's not the best solution for me as I'd lose out on weekend time and of course I don't want that, neither of us do.

Again, this is NOT about the maintenance. I didn't realise the .gov own cms calculator would be so shit and not recognise 3 or more nights as actually 3 or more nights. Seems bizarre. I would not ask for an increase even if exes time with DS went down. In fact I'd actually suggest reducing it because my costs (housing mostly but possibly uniform too) would actually go down. This is not about maintenance

why wouldn’t the OP make him? She makes him go on his current 3/4 days so this doesn’t have to change. You really shouldn’t assume what OP won’t do.

She probably doesn't have to make him do anything at present because he's always had this arrangement ever since he can remember so its not a battle to get him to go to his Dads house.

She probably would have to try and make him go to his Dads if his best mate was having a party on a Saturday and he didn't want to miss it. Inevitably the OP like most would back down and not force him to go to contact and there would be nothing his Dad could do about it.

Have you actually sat down with your son and discussed it properly stillhavenoidea? Making sure he knows he can say whatever he wants about the idea?

Maybe a good starting point.

why wouldn’t the OP make him? She makes him go on his current 3/4 days so this doesn’t have to change. You really shouldn’t assume what OP won’t do. She obviously wants the best for her child

DS currently has a lot of choice in it. Tonight he should be with his dad and he asked to stay with me so because neither me or his dad had any plans that absolutely couldn't be changed he's with me. Same happened the other way around on a Saturday night a few weeks ago. I don't think either of us want DS to feel like we're fighting over him or fighting not to have him if that makes sense. There have been times he's asked to stay at the others house but we've had plans that can't be changed (and even, let the mn gods strike me down, that we just don't want to change) and so we've said no. We've changed plans because we've had a wedding to go to etc. I will always give ex first option if I need a sitter (I don't have family close enough, not secure enough to let just anyone babysit and I think he should be with his dad if it's possible), ex will always ask his parents first and if they can't do it THEN he'll ask me. I'm ok with that, it's his time so he's entitled to ask who he wants to babysit, maybe I would do the same if my parents were close enough

Yabu. It doesn't sound like the move is in your sons interest and will also cause trouble with your ex. You say that might mean he has less than 50% but he may see it that actually you should have less than 50% since your moving away from his school and friends and father. I wouldn't be surprised if this blows up

Have you actually sat down with your son and discussed it properly stillhavenoidea? Making sure he knows he can say whatever he wants about the idea?

I'll admit that I am reluctant to do that yet. It's still very much a 'what if' and I certainly don't want it filtering back to ex as anything definite. I'd rather be certain it's what I want, then come up with a plan and discuss it with ex and THEN sit down with DS. Ideally ex and I could do it together so DS doesn't feel he's being asked to choose sides. I also don't want him to get excited about moving and then it not happen or be worried about it happening when it isn't going to.

Also, he can be quite contrary and will probably just say what he thinks I don't want no matter what!

he may see it that actually you should have less than 50% since your moving away from his school and friends

If I said that I was moving and ex could have majority time and I have weekends/eow, not only would that feel like I was abandoning my son which I would never do (no matter how irritating he's being at this precise moment), but ex would change his school anyway. DS would have to move to another county to move in with ex and there's no way ex would do that drive every day. Out of 10 school runs I currently do 7, gps do 2 and ex does 1

Honestly, I do think you are being unfair. I'm divorced and I wouldn't dream of moving my DS that far away from his dad.

Wow. How kind of you to not increase his maintenance after finding out you’re not actually entitled to any. If he eventually cottons on that you’re ripping him off then he could claim all the money back. The csa calculator is fine as it is. It’s a lack of common sense that would make someone claim themselves as a resident parent when they aren’t. Are you seriously going to keep on taking his money now you know? If this goes to court when you take his son away he’ll be told his rights then. He could go for full residency on the basis that you’re moving away to your boyfriends town, and he could argue it’s in his sons best interests to stay with him

I do feel sorry for the kid in the middle of this. Moving house, schools, friends etc, seeing his dad and grandparents less and every weekend away from his new mates doesn't sound like much of a win for him.

@JacquesHammer

Gosh your life must be very tricky if you see “consider the impact on your child” as “keeping the OP down in the more”.

Not sure why you think I was referring to that comment in particular but telling me ‘Do you find basic comprehension a struggle usually?’ means you’ve lost any credibility and I won’t bother responding to you again.

@Raphael34 Are you actually kidding? Are you reading my posts properly or just picking the bits you like?

The maintenance calculator has an option for the 'non resident parent' having 3 or more nights a week. Why would that even be an option if it's not actually an option?

Someone has to be classed as the 'resident parent' even the arrangement is 50:50 because, while you can have more than one contact number, schools and doctors don't seem capable of holding more than one address. We've tried!

HE did the original calculation and decided the amount NOT me. So he obviously thought the same. We have a private agreement rather than actually go through cms (or they probably would've pointed that out to us)

Ex pays for nothing else! No clothes, no uniform, no sports, no clubs. Nothing. The 'maintenance' pays for half of this. If he wants he's more than welcome to ONLY pay for half of this, I'll even provide receipts. I'm sure it would come to more than he gives me each month. OR he could go and buy it all and I'll give him half, he won't do that because he can't be arsed. As far as he's concerned that's a Mum's role no matter what.

I'm not patting myself on the back for not MAKING him pay more I'm pointing that out because no one seems to be able to grasp that THIS IS NOT ABOUT MAINTENANCE. Ex could decide to only see DS for an hour a week and whilst I'd judge him horribly I STILL wouldn't ask for more maintenance.

I'm not moving to try and fleece my ex out of money which is what some posters seem to think. I'm also not doing to destroy my sons relationship with his dad or to get back at ex for being an utter shit 10 years ago. I'm not doing it so that DP hasn't a shorter drive to work or just because I fancy a nicer house. I honestly believe that for everyone apart from ex it would be a good thing. I'm really hoping that I can find a way to make this ok for ex too. Like I said, I'd consider sacrificing weekends with DS so they actually got more quality time together even though it impacts on my free time. My thinking there is that if I'm happier then evenings and holidays with DS will be better for us both and maybe he does 3.5 weekends with his dad per month and I get a Sunday that we could make sure is really good quality time

Oh, and this will not ever go to court. If ex and I can't find a way to make it work for all of us between us it will not happen at all. I will suck it up and be miserable for the next 9 years until DS goes to uni if that's what it takes for him to not go through that or to ever see me and his dad fighting over anything like this. The only way he will ever see us argue is if I truly believe that my ex is planning on doing something that will harm our son in anyway and I can't speak to him in any other way.

Not sure why you think I was referring to that comment in particular but telling me ‘Do you find basic comprehension a struggle usually?’ means you’ve lost any credibility and I won’t bother responding to you again

I wasn’t telling you. I was asking. Hence the use of the question mark. I mean of course you won’t answer because you’re really making no sense.

Your agenda is blatantly showing. Stop detailing the original post with your prejudice.

stillhavenoidea you saying you would be miserable is telling. Are you seeing the move as the difference between being happy and being unhappy? Is there anyway you can come to a compromise? Move not quite so far?

Congratulations on the baby OP! I think you're asking in the wrong place. It's a conversation to have with your son's father. Explain the reasons you've put here, ask if there is an arrangement that would work for him. Could he pay slightly less to cover extra travel? Could he alter his contact to the weekends or whatever? Neither of you should be forced to stay anywhere but it needs to be an open dialogue with him and perhaps his parents as they do some of the care. Everything is workable if you all want it to work but let him have some input.

@thebakerwithboobs thank you! What I'm worried about is that with the history of control and me giving in even when I don't feel it's the right thing an open dialogue isn't actually possible. And apparently I shouldn't be asking him to pay for anything, ever, at all! Maybe I should offer to reimburse his petrol costs now for when he does the school run?

And to another pp... I am bloody miserable where I am at the moment. We live in an 'ok' house but it's massively over priced (everything around here is) in an awful area. DS and I both have begun to dislike his school in the past couple of years and I'm terrified of ending up with PND again and being stuck here with little to no support again! I do think the move has the POTENTIAL to make me feel better about all of these. Repeating myself now but DPs hometown has a lovely feel, more community focussed and because it's a bit further out it is more reasonable priced. We all have friends there already (separate from DP as well as joint which I think is important). We know people who send their children to all of the local schools, primary and secondary, and they all say good things. We also know and socialise with a few teachers from the secondary which could go either way but I'd like to see it as a positive. We would also have DPs family around who I get on well with, they're supportive and they treat DS like family without being overbearing. I don't believe that moving will mean that I won't suffer from PND but if I do I'm sure it'll be easier (or at least less hard?) with a decent support system which I just don't have here.

DS probably has just as many friends there and at his dads (neighbours etc) as he does here tbh so while he may miss a few kids from where we are now he won't have to face making a whole new group of friends

@JacquesHammer sorry, second part of my last post was response to you. I started typing then couldn't remember your username

@Raphael34

Wow. How kind of you to not increase his maintenance after finding out you’re not actually entitled to any. If he eventually cottons on that you’re ripping him off then he could claim all the money back.

OP never mentioned she wanted maintenance to be increased. Another poster said she would probably ask for more maintenance after any move, which is why she responded to say she won’t be seeking increased maintenance.