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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unfair?

160 replies

stillhavenoidea · 02/10/2019 12:50

Posted in Parenting but donning my hard hat and reposting here for traffic...

It's a long one....

Ds9 dad and I have been separated since ds was about 18 months and looking back we should never really have been together. He was very controlling and always thinks his way is the only way but I couldn't see it at the time and it took years for me to actually stand up to him even in small ways.

Our arrangement has always been 50:50 with a 3 day/4 day rotation and he still pays child support which the cms website says he should (had to check this a few times as everything I've seen on mn seems to state that no child support is due if 50:50 arrangement). All of this has just been done between us and I've no idea if the figure is correct as I have no idea what his salary is and what he gives me is plenty as far as I'm concerned. I probably wouldn't have agreed to 50:50 if I wasn't talked into it and told over and over how unreasonable I was being. I wasn't working at the time and DS spends a lot of exes time with his grandparents rather than his dad due to long work hours.

My issue now is that I've been with DP for a few years and am pregnant (ex doesn't know yet and I'm sure he'll have lots to say about it even though he lives with his current DP and her dd). I'd like to move to dp's home town which is 20 miles in one direction from where I am now and ex lives another 10 miles in the opposite direction. I know many exes make it work with that distance but I don't drive so all I can imagine are exes objections and I'm worried that he'll wear me down and convince me I'm being unreasonable. I do think it will mean changing our standing arrangement and ex will get less than 50% which I feel bad about but I'm worried that he'll wear me down again and I'll end up giving in and putting my life on hold again.

Would I really be so unreasonable to move?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 02/10/2019 13:31

If his dad doesn’t want to make an effort and drive to see his son then he is not much of a dad

Rubbish. The OP is planning to make a unilateral decision that her move will have to mean the father sees his son less.

Raphael34 · 02/10/2019 13:32

If you move and the contact will no longer be 50/50 then you should let your son stay with his dad for the majority of the time. It seems like you are putting everyone but your son first right now

WhatTiggersDoBest · 02/10/2019 13:34

Present it to him as a done deal. Then he can't argue. It's only 20 miles, you're not moving across the country. I think you should be free to move.

As for the impact on DS, plenty of married couples move for work, a nice house, caring for relatives etc and uproot their kids and no one demands they stay where they are forever and ever.

SoupDragon · 02/10/2019 13:39

Present it to him as a done deal.

How would you feel if he decided the solution would be for him to become the resident parent and present it as a "done deal".

ElizaPancakes · 02/10/2019 13:40

You’re not being unreasonable to want to; YABU to swing it in your favour because you ex was controlling.

DP should move to where you are really. 20 miles is fine for adults to visit parents that they don’t live with; it has an impact for children, especially once a new child comes along.

I do speak from experience here btw.

JacquesHammer · 02/10/2019 13:40

As for the impact on DS, plenty of married couples move for work, a nice house, caring for relatives etc and uproot their kids and no one demands they stay where they are forever and ever

And I would imagine they discuss it between themselves and consider the impact on the child.

Don’t you think the posters suggesting OP considers this are reasonable?

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 13:41

Do not listen to @WhatTiggersDoBest

SmileCheese · 02/10/2019 13:42

As for the impact on DS, plenty of married couples move for work, a nice house, caring for relatives etc and uproot their kids and no one demands they stay where they are forever and ever.

Presumably those couples move together and don't leave one parent behind that the child then cannot see as often through no fault of there own?

If you share custody 50/50 with your child's other parent you cannot just make a unilateral decision and move them because it suits you to do so. In this situation the move is in no way in the best interests of the child whose interests should come before a new partner and unborn sibling.

If they want to play happy families surely the best way to do so if for the OP's new partner to move rather than selfishly expecting a 9 year old's whole life to change.

Raphael34 · 02/10/2019 13:51

For those saying an extra 30 minutes isn’t far, according to the op it’s far enough that she’ll have to reduce his time with his dad. If it was the other way round, I’m sure the op would be complaining it’s too far. I can’t understand why the boyfriend can’t move instead of making this child move away from his home, school, dad and friends. Especially if the new baby is the cause of the move

CalmdownJanet · 02/10/2019 13:57

Given you are 50/50, how would you feel if he and his new partner moved in the opposite 20 miles away so you would see less of your son and he said you'd have to do all the travel?

Because I guarantee if that happened and you posted here there would be outrage

Mostunexpected · 02/10/2019 14:12

Why don't you drive? Is there a reason why you can't or would it be possible for you to learn/get a car etc?

PinkCrayon · 02/10/2019 14:28

You are being totally unreasonable.
Your ex shares 50/50 you are totally unreasonable to also to throw shade at him for the fact ds has stayed with gps whilst your ex works, plenty of parents do this.
He also pays 'plenty' of maintenance when he has 50/50. And yet you still moan over the fact you dont know his income. I would never expect my dh to pay maintenance if we split and he had our kids 50/50.
You expect to move away and him do all the traveling
You remind me of my dhs ex where no matter what he does you will always manipulate stuff to make him look bad. Nothings ever good enough.
He sounds like a fully involved parent that goes beyond what he has to.
Also he wasnt unreasonable to want 50/50 hes the childs dad as much as
you are his mother.
Stop thinking you are superior to him you arent.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 02/10/2019 14:33

You are being unreasonable I'm afraid.

monkeymonkey2010 · 02/10/2019 14:36

I'd like to move to dp's home town which is 20 miles in one direction from where I am now and ex lives another 10 miles in the opposite direction
Have you asked your son how HE feels about being taken away from all his friends, family and dad - AND having his time with his dad/paternal grandparents and family cut drastically, just so YOU and your fancy-man can shack up together and your son's life has to revolve around this effective stranger?

His dad is allowed to arrange his own childcare for his son when it's on his contact time.
You don't need to like it.
Your son gets to spend time with his paternal extended family and that's good.

Your ex doesn't need to pay you maintenance if he has his son 50% of the time - but he has been doing it anyway and you've certainly had no issue with that for the past 9 years....

How about your new man moves down to where you live?
Let me guess - his life/commitments/dc are more important?

KnifeAngel · 02/10/2019 14:36

As it is you choosing to move then you will have to do all the travelling. It would be unfair on your ex as it is you who is choosing to do this.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/10/2019 14:40

You currently have 50:50 care. What would you think if your ex announced to you that he was moving away so your contact with your ds would be reducing? He has as much right as you to do so.

It's in everyone's best interest to negotiate and be reasonable.

Surely your dp can see the need to live in your area so your ds can maintain his lifestyle?

Countrylifeornot · 02/10/2019 14:40

Why can't DP move to your town?
You're being very unfair, your ex wants to have an active role in your sons life, and has 50/50 custody, plus giving you maintenance.
You plan to move the child, can't drive so would be putting an awful lot on your ex, and seem to only be thinking of yourself. Don't do it.

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 14:40

You have let you ex have 50:50 when you dint think it's the right thing, cause he talked you into it?

Sounds like you have been happy with the arrangement now making excuses as to why he shouldnt have 50:50 anyway, to excuse moving.

You are moving your son away from where he lives, school, friends, dad, grandparents etc so you can live in your boyfriends town?

AND you dont drive to will be expecting your ex to do the travelling?

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 14:42

Why dont you leave your son with his dad and YOU Rescue how much you see your child and then pay maintenance to your ex?

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2019 14:42

No you can't do it without it impacting on your Son.

You can't change a 50:50 arrangement because you want to move, unless you're offering your ex residency.

It is irrelevant what happened when you were a couple. You've gone with a 50:50 arrangement and he regularly pays maintenance.

Don't ask MN asj your Son if he wants to live with the Father of your new baby and see his Dad less.

Cleopatrai · 02/10/2019 14:43

YABU for the most part.
You need to figure out a way to do this without reducing your sons time with his father. Honestly, there’s no real benefit for your son at all. The benefits are simply for you.

It’s not fair to reduce time with EX because ur pregnant and want to move in with new DP.

Can DP move to your town ? Would you be okay covering the distance and maintaining the contact ?

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2019 14:43

That's without the impact of wider family/friends being lost.

Countrylifeornot · 02/10/2019 14:44

**
Why dont you leave your son with his dad and YOU Rescue how much you see your child and then pay maintenance to your ex?
THIS

maddening · 02/10/2019 14:51

Why can't dp move to you?

XJerseyGirlX · 02/10/2019 14:58

OP your being given such a hard time here. I understand all you want is the chance to have a family life and for your 2nd DC at least to live with its father.
ignore the preachers. You also dont have to stay living somewere you dont want to just because you have a son.

I imagine your son will enjoy having a family home, sit down dinners with a step dad, mum and siblings. Just try to do what you can to help facilitate contact. Maybe take some train journeys every other weekend and read a book on the way home once your son is dropped off to his dad. Your allowed a life.

And to the poster who suggested the OP gives up her son to his dad.... to be honest... get back to reality. Just because she wants to move on she has to loose her child? go back to troll land

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