Am I being unfair?

[stillhavenoidea]

Posted in Parenting but donning my hard hat and reposting here for traffic...

It's a long one....

Ds9 dad and I have been separated since ds was about 18 months and looking back we should never really have been together. He was very controlling and always thinks his way is the only way but I couldn't see it at the time and it took years for me to actually stand up to him even in small ways.

Our arrangement has always been 50:50 with a 3 day/4 day rotation and he still pays child support which the cms website says he should (had to check this a few times as everything I've seen on mn seems to state that no child support is due if 50:50 arrangement). All of this has just been done between us and I've no idea if the figure is correct as I have no idea what his salary is and what he gives me is plenty as far as I'm concerned. I probably wouldn't have agreed to 50:50 if I wasn't talked into it and told over and over how unreasonable I was being. I wasn't working at the time and DS spends a lot of exes time with his grandparents rather than his dad due to long work hours.

My issue now is that I've been with DP for a few years and am pregnant (ex doesn't know yet and I'm sure he'll have lots to say about it even though he lives with his current DP and her dd). I'd like to move to dp's home town which is 20 miles in one direction from where I am now and ex lives another 10 miles in the opposite direction. I know many exes make it work with that distance but I don't drive so all I can imagine are exes objections and I'm worried that he'll wear me down and convince me I'm being unreasonable. I do think it will mean changing our standing arrangement and ex will get less than 50% which I feel bad about but I'm worried that he'll wear me down again and I'll end up giving in and putting my life on hold again.

Would I really be so unreasonable to move?

Personally speaking I think you should be able to live wherever you please. Couples break up and often there are kids.
I am sure your child would adapt. Its not that big of distance .
You may have to rejig your arrangements .

Ok, so to answer a few questions and clear up some things I maybe didn't make clear in my op (no intentional drip feed!)

DP does live with us, he moved from his hometown just over a year ago and has been daily commenting back there for work. I know he would like to move back for convenience but has never actually brought it up. I prefer it there, DS does like it and has a couple of friends over there already. Housing is a fair amount cheaper which is a draw as we're are on a fairly low income.

Ex probably spends 1 full day and 2 evenings with DS due to school, work, clubs etc. I absolutely DO NOT begrudge his parents doing a chunk of childcare. Why would I? DS loves them, they adore him and ex understandably needs the childcare. I only mentioned that because I'm hoping ex will realise that he won't actually lose time with DS but might gain some if he has more weekend time because I'm getting more evening time. Yes, gps will end up with less time but how many people exactly do I have to live my life around?

DS doesn't particularly like his school (it has gone downhill in last couple of years) so would be open to moving. I think I'd still wait until the transition to senior school to minimise distribution as much as possible anyway.

I don't drive for medical reasons. DP does drive and wouldn't begrudge doing it half the time but with a 30 mile distance mid week switch overs become tricky.

I'm not complaining that I don't know exes income, I don't believe I have any right to know now. I mentioned it because it was HIM who worked out maintenance based on the cms website and wouldn't let me have anything to do with it. I have no idea why cms says he should pay maintenance as everyone on here seems to think he shouldn't but that's what they say. I won't ask for more because I don't need it but if I decided to go through them I'm sure it would increase.

Ex is absolutely NOT a shit parent! I never said that and wasn't trying to insinuate that by saying that his parents do a chunk of childcare. Him and DS have a great relationship and I don't want that to change. I do however think he's going to stick to 50:50 even if it doesn't work for him because he's entitled to it and it makes my life harder. I'm sure if he wanted to move halfway across the country he would AND he'd expect me to bend over backwards for him to see DS whenever it suited him

@Tilltheendoftheline

Why dont you leave your son with his dad and YOU Rescue how much you see your child and then pay maintenance to your ex?

Why should she?

If you decide to move so that, instead of being 10 miles away from your ex, you are 30 miles away, why should your ex see his DS less? That is not at all fair so yes, YABVU.

Your DS would have to move schools, move away from the friendships he has formed, the neighbours he knows, form new relationships and you also want him to see his DF and GP less too. You are removing all the stability from your DS' life. Why on earth would you do that?

What are your reasons for wanting to move to dp's home town?

I have read many times on MN where the parent who moves away is meant to facilitate the other one seeing their child. How would you do that if you don't drive? How would you plan on your DS' getting to his father's home?

If you really feel you have to take your DS away from the stability of his school and his friends, then why not consider having a week about with your ex? That way you keep to the 50:50 arrangement and you could use a Sunday to take your DS to the swap over 30 miles away and to collect him. It wouldn't be fair to expect your ex to do pick-ups or drop-offs as it is your choice to move and not an absolute necessity.

@Idontwanttotalk

If you decide to move so that, instead of being 10 miles away from your ex, you are 30 miles away, why should your ex see his DS less? That is not at all fair so yes, YABVU.

Sigh. She’s not moving so her ex sees his DS less. Can people even read anymore?!

The school is better in her DP’s town and housing is cheaper. And DS hates his school and OP knows he would want to move to new school.

Why should she?

Because thats what she is imposing on the childs other parent?

This is another option. Why shouldn't she do this?

We also live in an utterly shit area. Massively over populated, higher than average crime rate and still insanely high rent. Where DP is from is more like a close knit village yet still with lower housing costs because it's that much further away from the big town

Another thought... maybe it's only a 'half-sibling' but surely my son should live with his sibling? If at any point he said he wasn't happy and wanted to live with his dad the majority of the time I would be heartbroken but would do it. He'd still have to change school because even though it's only 10 miles it's technically another county and it's a bitch of a drive

@ WhatTiggersDoBest

"Present it to him as a done deal. Then he can't argue. It's only 20 miles, you're not moving across the country. I think you should be free to move."
That is crap advice.

No-one is saying the OP isn't free to move but it shouldn't be to the detriment of time spent between her ex and their DS.

What about OP moves and her ex gets residency so that the DS can stay at the same school with his friends and activities? It would give him stability rather than make him move further away from his dad and grandparents and friends.

I can certainly see that your ex will see this as unreasonable.
His DS moves away. Makes it more difficult to see him as much. Much more homework at secondary so even less time. Teens start to spend less time with parents anyway, which will be exacerbated by the distance.
As much as you may feel you're doing this with your DS's best interests at heart, it will undoubtedly affect his relationship with his DF. They might both resent you for that.

@ Perisoire
"Why dont you leave your son with his dad and YOU Rescue how much you see your child and then pay maintenance to your ex?"

"Why should she? confused"

Why shouldn't she? They are both parents and have him 50:50. She isn't more of a parent than her ex is.

OP YABU - you are the one who wants to move so the onus is on you to make the arrangement work so that your DS doesnt lose time with his dad and his dad is not expected to do more work to see his child when he has had no say in the arrangement. Moving 30 miles away isnt much but just because you dont drive doesnt mean your ex should be forced to make all the effort of driving (especially if the times arent convenient). You should still be responsible for getting your DS to his dads, even if that means paying for bus/train/taxi sometimes.

I share custody 50/50 with my DDs dad. She spends a week at mine and a week at her dads, going to school from one house on Monday and from school to the other house.

Currently we both live in the same town so it's super easy - we both live on bus routes that are accessible from her school and she has a bus pass so can get herself to and from school easily and to see friends etc.

If one of us moved out of the town then I would expect that parent to be making the sacrifice - if she could no longer get to school easily then it would be on that parent to ensure she was picked up/dropped off during their week, even if it was inconvenient for the adult as it was their choice to change the arrangement. Equally if it meant that one of us lost time eg the parent who moved away couldn't get DD to school on Monday morning then they should be the one dropping her with the other parent on Sunday afternoon rather than putting the onus on the other parent to go out of their way to collect DD.

Depending on where you live, 30 miles could be very easily be 60-90 mins travel time.

maybe it's only a 'half-sibling' but surely my son should live with his sibling?

And what if his dad has another child? Which sibling gets "priority"?

This is a stupid argument as your ex could argue that your DS would only have 50% of your attention so should live with him where he would get 100% as the only child.

My biggest concern is all the upheaval in one go.

DS moves town whilst gaining a new sibling
DS loses time spent with his grandparents/father
DS has to move school/apply to different schools from his friends.

It’s a huge amount of change.

I think you should get legal advice and not ask a bunch of strangers

@stillhavenoidea your latest couple of updates suggest that it’s better for your DPs commute to move back there. Never mind the school etc., because let’s face it, you could move closer to your ex or stay relatively the same distance but not away from the ex. 20 miles is about the same as my distance from DSS - there’s massive changes in schools and crime rates within 2 miles let alone 20.

My DSS has five half-brothers. Why are the ones on our side any less deserving of a relationship than on his mother’s side? They’re not are they.

I don’t like your reasons and as you have 50:50 shared care don’t expect your ex to roll over if you decide this.

@Perisoire people can read, but they can also read the between the lines.

I do however think he's going to stick to 50:50 even if it doesn't work for him because he's entitled to it and it makes my life harder.

Or he could want to stick to 50/50 because its what your DS has always known and he genuinely thinks disrupting this arrangement would be yet another change for your DS to adapt to? Which is much more likely than because its difficult for you.

I'm sure if he wanted to move halfway across the country he would AND he'd expect me to bend over backwards for him to see DS whenever it suited him

This is irrelevant though because he isn't moving. Hypothetical situations about what he may/may not do aren't going to make what you want to do any less unreasonable.

You're the one that wants to move, purely for reasons that benefit you and your DP. Therefore you should be the one to rearrange contact so that it remains as close as possible to the original agreement?

I'm assuming your ex didn't change arrangements when he moved in with his DP? I think you're being quite unfair. How much he earns etc has nothing to do with it if you can't drive, suddenly moving an extra 20 miles away and expect him (or your DP) to do all the driving is not fair on either of them.

You say you can't drive for medical reasons but many disabled people drive.

She’s not moving so her ex sees his DS less. Can people even read anymore?!

Perhaps you should learn to read before making snarky comments like that because that is not what was said. The result of her moving is that he ex sees her DS less. That's what was said.

Just because she wants to move on she has to loose her child? go back to troll land

You think that the father has to lose (not loose) his child because the OP wants to move so what is the difference?

Because thats what she is imposing on the childs other parent?

Why shouldn't she? They are both parents and have him 50:50. She isn't more of a parent than her ex is.

Why should OP do what’s best for her ex, and one who was controlling?! She needs to do what’s best for her child and her, and this move sounds great.

" I'm not complaining that I don't know exes income, I don't believe I have any right to know now. I mentioned it because it was HIM who worked out maintenance based on the cms website and wouldn't let me have anything to do with it. I have no idea why cms says he should pay maintenance as everyone on here seems to think he shouldn't but that's what they say. I won't ask for more because I don't need it but if I decided to go through them I'm sure it would increase. "

He doesnt need to pay child maintenance though so it wouldnt increase so stop acting like you are doing him a favour not persuing it.
Take a look on the citizens advice website it says it there.
He doesnt have to be pay you at all.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/children-and-young-people/child-maintenance/child-maintenance-2012-scheme/child-maintenance-calculation/the-2012-child-maintenance-scheme-calculating-payments-shared-care/

YABU.

Why should OP do what’s best for her ex, and one who was controlling?! She needs to do what’s best for her child and her, and this move sounds great.

Having 50/50 with a child isn’t controlling. They haven’t been together for years. There past relationship and how they treated each other doesn’t come into it.

The op is moving for herself and her dp. She’s not thinking of her child.