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Original poster

Am I being unfair?

160 replies

stillhavenoidea · 02/10/2019 12:50

Posted in Parenting but donning my hard hat and reposting here for traffic...

It's a long one....

Ds9 dad and I have been separated since ds was about 18 months and looking back we should never really have been together. He was very controlling and always thinks his way is the only way but I couldn't see it at the time and it took years for me to actually stand up to him even in small ways.

Our arrangement has always been 50:50 with a 3 day/4 day rotation and he still pays child support which the cms website says he should (had to check this a few times as everything I've seen on mn seems to state that no child support is due if 50:50 arrangement). All of this has just been done between us and I've no idea if the figure is correct as I have no idea what his salary is and what he gives me is plenty as far as I'm concerned. I probably wouldn't have agreed to 50:50 if I wasn't talked into it and told over and over how unreasonable I was being. I wasn't working at the time and DS spends a lot of exes time with his grandparents rather than his dad due to long work hours.

My issue now is that I've been with DP for a few years and am pregnant (ex doesn't know yet and I'm sure he'll have lots to say about it even though he lives with his current DP and her dd). I'd like to move to dp's home town which is 20 miles in one direction from where I am now and ex lives another 10 miles in the opposite direction. I know many exes make it work with that distance but I don't drive so all I can imagine are exes objections and I'm worried that he'll wear me down and convince me I'm being unreasonable. I do think it will mean changing our standing arrangement and ex will get less than 50% which I feel bad about but I'm worried that he'll wear me down again and I'll end up giving in and putting my life on hold again.

Would I really be so unreasonable to move?

OP posts:
Original poster
stillhavenoidea · 02/10/2019 16:04

@PinkCrayon you definitely seem to have made up your mind that I'm out to ruin both my DS and exes lives. I'm really not, I'm just trying to actually do something for myself for once and that would benefit my family overall. Better school, better area, lower housing costs, less commuting costs and if we can find a way for DS to spend the same amount of time with his dad just on a different schedule maybe that'd be great.

Trust me, my ex wouldn't pay anything if he didn't think someone would make him and when I did a calculation based on what his income was 10 years ago and having 50:50 it did say that he would be expected to pay some. Out of that comes ALL of DS school uniform and any extras he needs for clubs. That isn't split 50:50 like is assumed for a standard 50:50 arrangement.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 02/10/2019 16:08

Ultimately, the only way is to work out how to ensure your Ex doesn't lose out on time with his son and then present the options to him. He may think it works better for him.

However, that doesn't mean you can just move if he disagrees.

athenagoddessofwar · 02/10/2019 16:08

Wouldn't you be able to share the travelling? Ex could drive on his share, you could use public transport for your share?

PinkCrayon · 02/10/2019 16:14

He doesnt have to pay though. You dont need to start going on about what I think trying to push your point I stated about the maintenance on my second post didnt say anything about you ruining your kids life Confused ..
My first post was written before your massive drip feed.
The facts are there. He doesnt have to pay no matter which way you spin it the facts are there..

Original poster
stillhavenoidea · 02/10/2019 16:17

Public transport on weekend swap overs would be fine. At the moment it's one swap over at the weekend and then back again during the week. It's mid week that would be harder because of school. There's no way ex could get DS to school from where he lives and I wouldn't expect him to especially on 2 school days per week which is what he does now

OP posts:
Original poster
stillhavenoidea · 02/10/2019 16:21

@PinkCrayon you say that but like I've said, I did the calculation (based on out of date income figures) and it told me otherwise. This isn't about the money, it pays for some expenses but if ex wanted to stop paying that would fine as long as he was will to split uniform costs etc. At the moment he doesn't because he doesn't actually want to the practical side of going and getting it etc

OP posts:
SmileCheese · 02/10/2019 16:25

There's no way ex could get DS to school from where he lives and I wouldn't expect him to especially on 2 school days per week which is what he does now

So your Sons father will have no input into his education as he wont be able to drop him off at school or get to the school to attend meetings, parents evening, plays and other events?

If you did move what contact arrangement would you propose? Surely not just weekends because with your son coming up towards being a teen I cant see him wanting to spend his weekends in his dads home town when all his mates from his new school are in your new town.

Oodlesandpoodles · 02/10/2019 16:34

I really don’t understand how people area reacting to the OP.

Plenty of people move away with there children, what should they do instead? Stay in walking distance of the ex.

The dad clearly isn’t much of a dad, kids make new friends and this child is getting a sibling either way.

The kid will still see the dad but will lost definitely have a better life with a happier mother and step dad.

By all means ask the kid what he wants, the dad can message him, face time and actually ( shocker) drive to see his kid!

Op you are NOT being unreasonable.

Go with what will make your little family happiest. Not what your ex dictates

Original poster
stillhavenoidea · 02/10/2019 16:37

You say you can't drive for medical reasons but many disabled people drive

Many people are also unable to drive because their medical issues mean they're not eligible for a license. That's me.

And again, DP is happy living here. Yes, it would make his life easier to move back but that's not why I want to and he hasn't never even mentioned it let alone tried to push it.

Unlike my ex who insisted we move to a new area when I was 7 months pregnant and now I'm stuck here because less than 2 years later he decided my PND depression made me too 'needy' and he didn't want to deal with it anymore. Would I be less unreasonable if it was my home town I wanted to move back to? (It's not, that's even further away!)

I kept it to 'he was controlling' in my op without detail because like a pp said, our past relationship shouldn't have an impact on his relationship with DS. It would be a different story if he was physically abusive or if he showed any signs of control over DS

OP posts:
Original poster
stillhavenoidea · 02/10/2019 16:41

So your Sons father will have no input into his education as he wont be able to drop him off at school or get to the school to attend meetings, parents evening, plays and other events?

I meant that it would be unrealistic to expect him to do a 60 mile round trip school run twice a week. He would absolutely attend parents evening twice a year and a possible Christmas play. He complains about those and doesn't attend any of the other events.

He chose DS school. Submitted the form without me knowing after saying we'd discuss it as we weren't in agreement on schools

OP posts:
Wheelson · 02/10/2019 16:42

@Oodlesandpoodles wow...he's not much of a dad, the kid would be better with a step dad and his actual dad should be massively inconvenienced and do all the travelling for a choice the OP wants to make? 🙄

Original poster
stillhavenoidea · 02/10/2019 16:44

*The dad clearly isn’t much of a dad, kids make new friends and this child is getting a sibling either way.

The kid will still see the dad but will lost definitely have a better life with a happier mother and step dad*

Thank you for your support but I honestly do think he's a great dad to DS. He was an utterly shit partner and can be a pita ex but I can't fault him as a dad

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 02/10/2019 16:44

The dad clearly isn’t much of a dad

Stop projecting and actually read the OP’s posts.

SmileCheese · 02/10/2019 16:50

So what arrangement of contact would you like then? As I said before with him coming up towards being a teen he wouldn't want to be shipped off to Dads every weekend or holiday when he could instead be hanging out with friends. You also say the school would be too far so he wont be able to have him during the week as hw wouldn't be able to get him to the new school? So when would your ex actually get to see his son?

Oodlesandpoodles · 02/10/2019 16:58

“He wouldn’t want to be shipped off to dads” how do you all know this? And maybe he wouldn’t want to go to his dads if he lived five minutes down the road.

I don’t believe that a fully grown woman needs to plan with her ex where she moves to,

Because she’s not doing it to be spiteful she’s doing it to give the child a better life.

If holidays are an issue then state that the kid goes over every other weekend or every other holiday, but still Skyped his dad in the week.

It’s not like they are loving oceans away

Original poster
stillhavenoidea · 02/10/2019 17:02

@SmileCheese Maybe that should've been my original question instead. How could I make this work? What would be a reasonable compromise?

Fully accept that it wouldn't be reasonable to just decide that we're switching to every other weekend but I also don't think it's reasonable that I'm stuck in an area that I hate and makes me miserable because this is where my ex decided we should live when I was at my most vulnerable.

I'm not going to go to my ex and say 'I'm moving (and I'm definitely not doing it and THEN telling him), suck it up, you can see DS when I feel like it'. I need to have a reasonable conversation with him about it but I came to ask advice because historically ex says no and i skunk away miserable and accept that. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be able to compromise but years of being told I'm unreasonable no matter what means I struggle to know what's actually me being a cow and what's him just getting his own way

OP posts:
Perisoire · 02/10/2019 17:04

OP, it’s easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

Do it. The move sounds great.

SmileCheese · 02/10/2019 17:05

“He wouldn’t want to be shipped off to dads” how do you all know this? And maybe he wouldn’t want to go to his dads if he lived five minutes down the road.

Because most teens tend to want to be with their friends at the weekend and if his dad lives 30 miles away he'll have no one to hang out with. If his dad lived 5 minutes away then he could have his friends over to his dads house so this wouldn't be a problem.

she’s doing it to give the child a better life.

Will it really be a better life though. Yes he might get to live in a nicer house and go to a different school but the sacrifice of that is that he will no longer gets to spend time with his Dad?

Perisoire · 02/10/2019 17:06

Well then the Dad can move closer to his son.

JacquesHammer · 02/10/2019 17:08

God there’s some posters with Major agendas on this thread.

I’m sure your situations are all very terrible and all but try not to project into the OP. It’s unfair and tiresome.

SmileCheese · 02/10/2019 17:14

Maybe that should've been my original question instead. How could I make this work? What would be a reasonable compromise?

That's the problem though because there isn't a reasonable compromise.

He currently has him 3-4 days a week and nothing you suggest would seem fair as it will inevitably mean he doesn't get to spend any quality time with his son. Imagine if he told you that he wanted you to have him every other weekend for example when you had been used to having him 12-16 days a month. You would quite rightly say no as 4 days wouldn't seem enough.

As hard as it is and as horrible as it sounds moving is unfair on your child because you'll be basically giving him no chance to see his Dad. For your son when he is used to seeing him so often that's pretty cruel and the new house/school/better area etc wont matter a jot to him all he'll know is that he now doesn't get to see his Dad as much because you moved.

Raphael34 · 02/10/2019 17:14

Op you are NOT entitled to csa. If you went through the actual csa they would tell you this. You’ve done an online csa calculator which is where you’ve went wrong. The calculator can only give an amount to be paid when one there’s one resident parent who has the child more than the other one. There is no option on the csa calculator for parents who share equal custody of the children.
Now you’ve obviously gone onto the calculator and chosen the option of yourself being the entitled parent, and under the ‘amount of days the non resident has the child’ you’ve obviously chosen the maximum option of ‘3 or more’. This then calculates the minimum amount of csa owed by the non resident which goes by the assumption that they are with them on average 3 days a week. If your partner put in his details in the calculator it would come up the exact same amount that you would owe him, so you’d cancel each other out. I don’t understand how you think that you’d be entitled to money when you share equal residency. If you’re entitled to money off him, then he’d be entitled to money off you. I don’t blame him for not wanting to pay you

dontpooyoureyesturnbrown · 02/10/2019 17:14

I wouldn't move because he could
Go to the courts and insist that your dc stays local to him.

MileyWiley · 02/10/2019 17:17

If you move, you should have less contact (you said Ex might have to have less than 50% because of the move, why? Why should his 50% be reduced rather than yours?). You should also do the travelling if contact remains 50:50. Do not move until you can drive and have access to a car.

Perisoire · 02/10/2019 17:21

@SmileCheese

He currently has him 3-4 days a week and nothing you suggest would seem fair as it will inevitably mean he doesn't get to spend any quality time with his son.

What a ridiculous assumption. OP has already said ex would have more quality time with his son because he could have his son on weekends, when he’s not working.

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