Am I being unfair?

[stillhavenoidea]

Posted in Parenting but donning my hard hat and reposting here for traffic...

It's a long one....

Ds9 dad and I have been separated since ds was about 18 months and looking back we should never really have been together. He was very controlling and always thinks his way is the only way but I couldn't see it at the time and it took years for me to actually stand up to him even in small ways.

Our arrangement has always been 50:50 with a 3 day/4 day rotation and he still pays child support which the cms website says he should (had to check this a few times as everything I've seen on mn seems to state that no child support is due if 50:50 arrangement). All of this has just been done between us and I've no idea if the figure is correct as I have no idea what his salary is and what he gives me is plenty as far as I'm concerned. I probably wouldn't have agreed to 50:50 if I wasn't talked into it and told over and over how unreasonable I was being. I wasn't working at the time and DS spends a lot of exes time with his grandparents rather than his dad due to long work hours.

My issue now is that I've been with DP for a few years and am pregnant (ex doesn't know yet and I'm sure he'll have lots to say about it even though he lives with his current DP and her dd). I'd like to move to dp's home town which is 20 miles in one direction from where I am now and ex lives another 10 miles in the opposite direction. I know many exes make it work with that distance but I don't drive so all I can imagine are exes objections and I'm worried that he'll wear me down and convince me I'm being unreasonable. I do think it will mean changing our standing arrangement and ex will get less than 50% which I feel bad about but I'm worried that he'll wear me down again and I'll end up giving in and putting my life on hold again.

Would I really be so unreasonable to move?

Only signed up for MN this week and I honestly won't ever be looking for any advice here... There are so many people here who seem like they are only dying to jump down the throat of anyone at all. Lot of horrible holier than thou people on high horses.

OP, I think you've been treated and spoken about unfairly here. You're doing the right thing by weighing up the potential affect on everyone and asking for advice... you've just asked advice in the wrong place.

Your moving 20miles away, it's not like your moving him to another country ffs. When me and my partner split, I moved 17miles away, we now live 30mins drive apart, share 50:50 custody and it's not a big deal. My DS is 9 as well. Granted I drive and you are unable to but there will always be a work around and I'm sure you can switch up the arrangement so that your ex is not at a disadvantage. Your boy will be in secondary school in a few years so maybe that would be a good time to consider a move?

If you were not pregnant and did not have a partner and merely wanted to move because you were miserable and had a greater support system in new area, housing, schools and social outlets were better, I bet half the people on here wouldn't be giving you such a hard time. It's purely because you will benefit and be happier as a result of this move that these keyboard warriors have come out calling you selfish. Continue to weigh up your options and discuss at length with DS, DP and ex but get off this thread and away from these awful people.

If it means anything, I definitely think YANBU x

If he can't be arsed to spend 90 minutes on a train (on the occasions that ex or DP wouldn't give him a lift) to see his dad I would think something had gone wrong with the relationship

There it is! The truth!
You don't actually care about your sons relationship with his father- and once YOU have made the decision to move you have already decided that YOU won't be facilitating it.

Why should his dad drive 40 miles in total so his son can spend time with him when it's YOUR decision to move so far away?
You seem sure that your current partner will do the driving on your behalf - like hell he will.
He can't even be arsed to find a better job closer to where you are to provide for his 'family'....he's kept his job with the long commute because i bet his intention has always been to persuade you to move up there.
Funny how support networks etc haven't been an issue for the past 9 years....

You will leave your son with the option of a long, tiring journey on weekends to put him off wanting to spend time with his dad...then blame him and accuse him of "not being arsed"

So what if you travelled 4 hours to see your dad when YOU were a kid?
You were probably desperate for some attention from him cos he wasn't anywhere near the kind of parent your ex is to his son.

There it is! The truth!
You don't actually care about your sons relationship with his father- and once YOU have made the decision to move you have already decided that YOU won't be facilitating it.

You seem sure that your current partner will do the driving on your behalf - like hell he will.
He can't even be arsed to find a better job closer to where you are to provide for his 'family'....

So what if you travelled 4 hours to see your dad when YOU were a kid?
You were probably desperate for some attention from him cos he wasn't anywhere near the kind of parent your ex is to his son.

@monkeymonkey2010 - you really are awful

*There it is! The truth!
You don't actually care about your sons relationship with his father- and once YOU have made the decision to move you have already decided that YOU won't be facilitating it.

Why should his dad drive 40 miles in total so his son can spend time with him when it's YOUR decision to move so far away?
You seem sure that your current partner will do the driving on your behalf - like hell he will.
He can't even be arsed to find a better job closer to where you are to provide for his 'family'....he's kept his job with the long commute because i bet his intention has always been to persuade you to move up there.
Funny how support networks etc haven't been an issue for the past 9 years....

You will leave your son with the option of a long, tiring journey on weekends to put him off wanting to spend time with his dad...then blame him and accuse him of "not being arsed"

So what if you travelled 4 hours to see your dad when YOU were a kid?
You were probably desperate for some attention from him cos he wasn't anywhere near the kind of parent your ex is to his son*

@monkeymonkey2010 Are you insane? You're obviously not reading all of this. Another poster asked me what I would do if my son 'couldn't be arsed' when he was a teenager. At no point have I said that I don't think he would or accused him of that. I certainly haven't decided that 'I won't be facilitating it', I've said I'm happy to accompany DS on train journeys and that DP would be happy to do some driving. You don't know him or anything about him OR his job which he isn't staying at because 'he can't even be arsed' to find another one. There are other reasons why he can't change jobs.
It's 30 miles NOT 40. DP hasn't ever mentioned moving back let alone tried to persuade me (which I have already said).
Lack of support actually has been an issue but not a big enough issue to make me think seriously about a move until now when I'm pregnant and worried about suffering from PND again.

All I'll say about the comments about my own dad is that it was bloody spiteful and totally uncalled and maybe you should try actually reading the previous posts before replying again

@Meggymoo777 Tbh if you ask for advice on any other topic you'll probably be ok. I knew what I was getting myself in for when I chose AIBU. Not everyone agrees which is fine but I do think there's the odd poster who appears when they're in a bad mood, skim reads and attacks.

I didn't for one second think that everyone would agree with me and I'm grateful for everyone's opinions. Obviously with the exception of those who like to insinuate that I'm a selfish, gold-digging, manipulative, evil witch of a terrible parent who is trying to ruin the lives of everyone around me

OP if your son is 9 now and you're not planning to move until secondary school - so roughly 2 years - how would you get support with your baby before then? It sounds like an excuse, and not a very good one.

@BoxOfBabyCheeses Baby not due until June (very early days) so yes it would mean a year of still living here after that but knowing that it's not forever I hope will help. Like I've said over and over, it's one of a myriad of reasons which have all now come together and made me think it's worth CONSIDERING it IF ex and I can come to an agreement that works for EVERYONE. It's certainly not a done deal and I won't be making any decisions on my own and then forcing everyone to bow down to my wishes.

What I was actually hoping for from this was some suggestions of arrangements that I could suggest to my ex so that we could have a conversation rather than have what usually happens which is he decides what's happening and then digs his heels in no matter what

(Just a small correction - 30 miles to collect and come back to ours, then drop off and me to return takes the best part of 4 hours not just one journey!)

@ElizaPancakes ok, that completely makes sense. The train for us would probably be that long for a round trip to include changes and taking into account actual train times. I think I'd enjoy the solo journey back as I find train journeys quite relaxing but I'm sure driving it is very different.

With a sunny and optimistic outlook I'd like to think the journey there could be used for some quality time for DS and I as well. Not the most ideal but I'm sure we could make the best of it

@stillhavenoidea. So m not going to criticise you for wanting to move or suggest that it is for the wrong reasons and I can see it might be good for you and your son however it seems unavoidable that it will have a negative impact on your ex.
At the moment he is a regular feature in his sons life, seeing him half the week including bits of the day to day life, dropping him at school dinner in the evening as well as a day on the weekend together.
Moving to a new town 30 miles away that kind of relationship won’t be possible.
It would seem like a very difficult conversation with your ex and you need to have a hard think about it from his point of view.
Your suggestion of 7/8 days on the weekend would still mean a good amount of contact, but is that something that could work long term.
It would give you very little flexibility (1 day a month) for any changes, you would miss out on downtime to have fun while you ex would not see him for 5 days at a time.
Going forward as your son becomes more independent will he want to spend every weekend at his dads particularity if he develops new social circle of friends at school.
Teenagers typically want to spend most of their free time with friends rather than forced family activities, thus would only want to go to his dads a couple of days a month.
Your ex might well be concerned that you sons life would be based in the new town at his new “home” while his dads was somewhere he visited.
I hope you are able to talk with your ex and work something out.