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Original poster

To not want to give more

378 replies

SummerTime12345 · 02/10/2019 00:21

So a friend is getting married very soon. They have asked for money for their honeymoon - which obviously doesn't bother me if that's what they want!
I just don't know what to give. We have only met this year but have become very close and see each other a couple of times a week. I'm going to the full wedding day and I went on the hen do. But I don't know what to give!
Help!

OP posts:
GregoriaTheGreat · 02/10/2019 07:22

The last time someone asked for money for a wedding, I gave them a present instead. It cost about £12 in a sale (was more like £50 full price), and was lovely. I couldn't afford to give them any more than a tenner (and, yes, there are people who can't afford to give more than this, even though I realise some posters find this hard to believe), but was paranoid that I'd look stingy compared to their wealthier friends, so ducked out of the money lark completely...

purpleolive · 02/10/2019 07:22

@MuchBetterNow did you credit check your friends before inviting them?

Classy 🙄

Cloudbow · 02/10/2019 07:24

£50 is fairly normal in my friendship group. Though I’m sure your friend would rather you didn’t bankrupt yourself over her wedding so £20 is fine if that’s what you have.

OMGshefoundmeout · 02/10/2019 07:25

Assuming you are in the U.K. you can completely ignore the advice about covering the cost of the meal. I’ve heard of that in Ireland (but certainly never followed it or felt frowned on for not following it) and some Mediterranean countries but IME it’s not expected here.

You know your circumstances and the couple better than we do. If you think £20 is ok you are probably right.

Tippety · 02/10/2019 07:28

£20 is fine OP. I don't really get the feeling obliged to pay for what the meal cost. Yes I've eaten it, but no I wouldn't choose some tiny plate of something fancy I've never heard of and the associated price, I'd have been just as happy with something small and simple; it's their choice what they pay. You should give what you can afford, we invited only the people we really cared about and were bothered about if they were there- so didn't begrudge paying anything and were thankful for all we received and people using a day of annual leave and travelling for it.

mcmooberry · 02/10/2019 07:30

If £20 is all you can genuinely afford then stick with that (assume just you and not a partner going too) but if she sees you spending money on nights out/cigarettes etc I would consider £20 very ungenerous.

Beautiful3 · 02/10/2019 07:30

What ever you can afford, £20 in a card will be fine.

verticality · 02/10/2019 07:36

I thought that the rule was that you give what you can afford. But if you can afford it, the value of the gift should be roughly what the 'place' at the day costs - so if someone has spent a lot of money on a lovely meal and accommodation, it should be roughly equivalent. I have no idea where I heard this, but it's what I've always done. It tends to mean that gifts for close friends are around the £200-300 mark.

littleduckeggblue · 02/10/2019 07:37

I think covering the cost of your meal is the norm here.
If it's just the evening do, £20 in a card with a bottle of fizz is generally ok

littleduckeggblue · 02/10/2019 07:38

But obviously give what you can afford.

OMGshefoundmeout · 02/10/2019 07:38

A few years we attended a wedding of a fairly distant cousin at a naice hotel in Dublin where packages start at €99 a head. I doubt very much that the couple had paid for that basic package as it was a very nicely done event. If we followed the advice of covering the cost of our meal , based on our family of 2 parents and 2 young adult children the minimum gift we should have given would have been in the region of €500. On top of flights to Ireland and the hotel stay!

We certainly didn’t give that much. I think if we had it would have seemed flashy and patronising as if the couple needed us to subsidise their wedding costs. IIRC we gave €100 as our contribution to their honeymoon. This clearly wasn’t seen as inadequate as we have seen them and the family many times since and have actually become closer since then.

ZenNudist · 02/10/2019 07:38

A work colleague is getting married next week and we are all going. To the evening. Between £20 and £50 gifts.

BigChocFrenzy · 02/10/2019 07:43

OP:
20 quid is absolutely fine when you are skint

Some MNers live in a prosperous mc bubble and have no idea what life is like for millions of their fellow citizens
What are people on low income supposed to do - stay home in shame and never attend weddings ?

They may be able to afford the actual attendance at weddings that aren't destination extraviganzas, e.g. wearing an outfit they already have
Just not much cash left after the petrol money

What is reasonable to give is not a fixed scale
It depends totally on disposable income

flissity · 02/10/2019 07:44

Recently got married and did not ask or mention anything about presents.

We had about 150 people in evening (less in church during day)

We ended up getting a lot of cash in cards- I reckon the average was £20/30

Hope that helps!

BigChocFrenzy · 02/10/2019 07:45

And to the poor persecuted rich person: Hmm

You weren't criticised for being rich,
just for claiming that what rich people give must be the social norms for everyone else too.

And for yet again mentioning your property portfolio on non-property threads

flissity · 02/10/2019 07:46

Just to add we live in a pretty average part of country, working class people mixed in with a few more wealthier ones! Don’t think we got any more than £100 from anyone.

Vulpine · 02/10/2019 07:47

Ive never heard of covering the cost of the meal?! And nor did i expect the same from guests at our wedding.

Cyberworrier · 02/10/2019 07:49

Who are the couples who expect to be compensated/“gifted” the cost of their attendance at these weddings? Anyone?
None of the Scottish weddings I’ve been to have had people giving £1000 gifts! 😂 How could people expect money back for their big day? So tacky and inconsiderate of people’s circumstances. You’re meant to just want these people with you when you get married, as you’re meant to care about them! Otherwise it’s just a consumerist cycle of nonsense. Ok, It’s fine to give money/ask for honeymoon contributions, but it’s not a wedding tax! (Although maybe a wedding tax could help bolster the public purse if there’s so much money flying about!)

FamilyOfAliens · 02/10/2019 07:49

I’m with @stanski - you cover at least what meal cost plus extra.

Leaving aside the fact that this is not the norm, just someone’s made-up rule, how would a guest find out how much the food costs?

Our wedding cost £2000 in 1993. My parents bought us a tent for £100. I would have felt very uncomfortable if anyone, family included, had given cash or a gift worth more than that.

isabellerossignol · 02/10/2019 07:50

What are people on low income supposed to do - stay home in shame and never attend weddings ?

Maybe they're meant to walk down the street with their head bowed whilst someone rings a bell and shouts 'shame'. It certainly seems that some people equate lack of income with being stingy. Which is a strange logic because you'd think it self evident that if someone doesn't have much money to start with they simply can't give that money to someone else, because they can't give what they don't have.

YobaOljazUwaque · 02/10/2019 07:51

The amount you give most certainly should not be based on how much the couple have spent on the wedding. They are throwing a party not selling tickets to an event!

Give the amount you would be spending if you were buying a physical gift. If that is £20 then that is absolutely fine.

cjpark · 02/10/2019 07:51

I'd give about £50 if I was going on my own or £100 if DH was going as well. Tend to give £100 for friends, £200 for very close friends / cousins etc. and £500 for siblings / immediate family.

FamilyOfAliens · 02/10/2019 07:52

If £20 is all you can genuinely afford then stick with that (assume just you and not a partner going too) but if she sees you spending money on nights out/cigarettes etc I would consider £20 very ungenerous.

What if the bride and groom are smokers / clubbers? Would they have to find another expense to criticise the guest for spending money on? Food from nowhere other than Aldi perhaps? How ridiculous.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 02/10/2019 07:54

OP when I got married I'm from the Nort East we got on average £20-30 from day guests from friends it was families who gave more the odd few friends gave 40 pounds which I was shocked at ,I didnt expect that amount at all. Give what you can afford, please don't stretch yourself. I attended a wedding as a day guest on my own and gave £20 and didnt feel bad at all.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 02/10/2019 07:55

£300 as a wedding guest... madness!! The reimbursing for the cost of you attending is a bizarre way to think. We must be really tight we usually give about £30 for an evening and £50 for all day. I always thought that was ok. We got £30-£150 at our wedding 3 years ago, most were around £50, I think 2 people gave us £150, they are both from near London though and we are northern so that’s probably more the going rate by where they live, we were really shocked when we opened it, one was only an evening guest too.

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