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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to give more

378 replies

SummerTime12345 · 02/10/2019 00:21

So a friend is getting married very soon. They have asked for money for their honeymoon - which obviously doesn't bother me if that's what they want!
I just don't know what to give. We have only met this year but have become very close and see each other a couple of times a week. I'm going to the full wedding day and I went on the hen do. But I don't know what to give!
Help!

OP posts:
Hulahola · 03/10/2019 20:12

We would gift £100 to a friend who was getting married, close friends £200. When we got married a lot of our family members, brothers/sisters gifted us as much as £1000 toward our wedding and honeymoon.

sonjadog · 03/10/2019 20:12

I recognize nothing of this Ireland that is presented here. "Here in Ireland" where I am from, we do nothing like this. We invite friends and family to enjoy a day with us and are grateful for a gift but wouldn't want anyone to give more than they can afford. Some of you know some really shitty Irish people.

Hulahola · 03/10/2019 20:18

But I had many guests at my wedding, and I couldn’t have cared less if they gave us 20 grand or 20 quid. What matter is they turned up for us.

Maryann1975 · 03/10/2019 20:19

I've heard of couples in Ireland keeping spreadsheets to track who gave them how much money as a gift. That way they can tell who gave less than they gave at the givers wedding, and how much to reciprocate at givers whose wedding is in the future
I know someone who does this. She got married over 10 years ago and still only gives what they gave her. She is so tight, it’s cringe worthy. She was mid 20s when she got married. A lot of friends were just finishing uni, starting out in their jobs, venturing into home ownership or independent renting, so money was tight.

On the other hand she now earns over £45000 (she talks about this often), has had a couple of redundancy payouts (and walked straight into the next job) and had a sizeable inheritance.
The two situations are so far apart, they aren’t even comparable!

Op, my dbro got married last year. We gave him £100 and there are 5 of us at his wedding.
For a very close friend, I’d probably give £50-£75. For a work friend/colleague £20-£30.
My dbro would have been able to go on holiday every year for the next 10 years if everyone had given £2-300!

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2019 20:24

You absolutely do not need to pay for your place at the wedding. They invited you and you may have spent money already attending (train/accommodation/new dress etc). I'd give what you can afford, not what you cannot.

ABmumof3 · 03/10/2019 20:36

What you can afford. Ive never heard of this matching what the wedding cost per head. I was grateful for people coming to our wedding and especially grateful to any gifts we were given

BoudicasBoudoir · 03/10/2019 20:38

£25 would be generous and appropriate.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 03/10/2019 20:41

We just got married and the average amount from friends was £30 each (£60 for a couple).

£20 is fine.

Jux · 03/10/2019 20:42

Gosh, for a friend I'd only known this year I'd maybe stretch to £75 if I was flush, but right now it would be something homemade and warm wishes!

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 03/10/2019 21:28

@ScotsinOz

I’m Scottish born and raised and my entire family do this, thus I was brought up thinking this was normal and not American.

Really? You only give £1000?

I'm also Scottish born, raised and currently residentm I normally give a car if they're colleagues/acquaintances, a light aircraft for distant cousins and small country estate for family members.

You must be from a very poor family my dearie.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 03/10/2019 21:48

@sonjadog well said. That's what we did. We invited people we love to share our day with no expectations and no spreadsheets. Some people gave gifts some didn't. Doesn't matter. They showed up for us. That's what matters. That was our Irish wedding.

evian76 · 03/10/2019 21:55

Stanski can I be your friend ;)

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 03/10/2019 22:03

OP, this is obviously worrying you. The best person to reassure you is your friend. Talk to her and tell her that you can't afford much and you feel bad about it. If she is a good friend, she will reassure you. It sounds like she wants you there because she likes you, not because she wants a wad of cash from you.
For what it's worth, I got married 25 years ago and the only presents I remember are the cheque that bounced and the very absent gift from my parents. I was too caught up in the excitement of being newly married to even consider who gave us how much money. I would have been so upset if my friend had worried about going because she was hard up. Go to the wedding and have a great time, I'm sure your friend will assure you that you are welcome, regardless of the money.

browneyes77 · 03/10/2019 22:54

@Chocolatedeficitdisorder GrinGrinGrin

Dontburstmybubble · 03/10/2019 23:04

Holy crap, some of you here must be rolling in it to afford a grand as a gift. Would you buy a gift that matches that price if they have not asked for cash? You have been invited to their wedding because they want to share their special day with you not because they want to make a profit. Give what you feel comfortable with and if they are a real friend they will know already that you are not flush and will not judge you for that. I have never heard of this ridiculous notion of matching what you think they have spent on you before.

gymraes · 03/10/2019 23:24

Didn't have a 'gift list'. Didn't ask for cash. Gave (60+) friends a meal & drinks at the reception and paid for transport to and from the evening 'do' (where they had to pay for themselves). Didn't expect/need the few gifts we did get (thanks but wouldn't give an ironing board to my worst enemy) because we chose our guests, knew most of them were as hard-up as us and just wanted all to enjoy a good day surrounded by friends and family.

pumkinspicetime · 03/10/2019 23:25

£50 as a single, £100 as couple is normal in our group for friends.
Work colleagues 20-30 is fine.
But they want you and not your gift, only give what you can afford.

Monestasi · 04/10/2019 06:22

I can afford to give in high numbers. I have done so, and received similar.

However, any decent person would not expect anything from those they know are not from these higher economic circles.

I made sure that old friends of mine knew all I wanted was their attendance...

OP, give what you can afford and not a penny more.

SpecialKRocks223 · 04/10/2019 06:40

Lol some of the ridiculous replies on here. Fuck off! Twenty quid is fine OP x

Purplealienpuke · 04/10/2019 06:45

As it will be an absolute miracle if I ever meet someone let alone get married I think just having guests attend my wedding would be gift enough 😂.
In your case OP definitely only give what you can afford. No decent friend, no matter how long you've known each other, will be judging the amount you put in the card. They will just be happy that you took the time to share their day with them.

To the poster who asked how OP could afford to attend the wedding.... how do you know she doesn't already own the perfect outfit, or has borrowed one? That it's a free bar? Or that she doesn't drink alcohol? It may be walking distance from her house, no need for taxis or overnight stays...
I despair of mumsnet sometimes, so damn judgy 🙄

Localocal · 04/10/2019 08:35

There are obviously wide variations here, so I think you can choose what feels right to you. Or you can ignore the request for cash and get them a physical gift instead, which is more personal and does not announce how much you spent. I expect you could find an attractive houseware or decorative item for £20 and no one would even wonder how much it cost.

We I got married we were given a plate painted by a friend at one of those paint-your-own-pottery places, with our names and wedding date and some flowers painted on it. 16 years later I still think of her and smile when I put serve cheese out on it. If you are not crafty yourself I would hit Etsy and find some nice handmade candlesticks or a personalised decoration or something. You can even filter it so you only see things that are under £20. There are lots of things there!

DarlingNikita · 04/10/2019 10:43

a light aircraft for distant cousins
Grin

FizzyIce · 04/10/2019 12:52

The stealth boasting is off the charts on this thread 😂

Shayisgreat · 04/10/2019 13:27

When I was on the dole and had very little money to spare I gave €20 in card to my friends at their wedding as it was all I was able to afford. They're coming to mine this month so it hasn't caused a rift or any bad feeling (as far as I'm aware) I honestly can't remember the exact amount I've given to other people.

Your friend likes you because they like you, they invited you because they want you there - they're not seeing you as a cash cow to milk so they can have a nice honeymoon.

People who think there are prescribed amounts that must be given at weddings are weird. Like would you then not be friends with someone who transgressed these accepted "rules?" Weird.

Spreadsheets are petty. Giving only what you received is petty. People's circumstances change and therefore their capacity to provide a big present changes. Their regard is what is important and that's what a present conveys whether it's £20 or £2000.

FelicisNox · 04/10/2019 14:37

Offer according to your budget.

I've never gifted more than £20.

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