To not want to give more

[SummerTime12345]

So a friend is getting married very soon. They have asked for money for their honeymoon - which obviously doesn't bother me if that's what they want!
I just don't know what to give. We have only met this year but have become very close and see each other a couple of times a week. I'm going to the full wedding day and I went on the hen do. But I don't know what to give!
Help!

This thread makes me feel very uncomfortable.

You don't get married for the gifts, if you would like money as opposed to a gift, that's fine but NOBODY should have an expectation of an amount.

It's entirely up to the guest. I would feel terrible if a guest, who was struggling or didn't have much gave me £50.

This makes me feel sad, you should not be judged or questioned on what you give, the level of expectation is ridiculous.

I would always rather purchase a gift but I'm an old-fashioned fool. At the same time, I'd rather not buy things that people don't need and add to the general proliferation of stuff everyone seems to have. (Items which potentially may hit landfill in a few years. ).

I prefer when donations are asked for a specific charity close to the couple's heart. I don't have an issue with helping them towards a honeymoon, however, I'd rather not contribute to air travel or other things I have ethical issues with. (Sorry I am tres boring.)

In terms of the concept of "covering your plate" or however else you want to put this - where this is culturally expected, I would tend to decline the invite. It's not something I am familiar with, but have given money as part of Sikh wedding ceremonies.

Being expected to "cover my plate" effectively means I am buying a ticket to a wedding. However much I wished to support the couple, I'm always going to get bad value - the food is rarely what I would choose in restaurant, scale catering always gives service/cold food/ other issues like that, I have to talk to people who I might not like, plus undoubtedly I would have had to cover my travel costs to get there. Not to mention I am time poor. If this was the genuine expectation, I'd rather not go - whether or not I could afford it.

I see attending a wedding as a big commitment to the couple. It's a show of support and friendship. I would hope they would understand the level of gift I give.

OP - your friend should understand the £20 gift. If not, is she really a friend?

SummerTime12345 We had a massive range in gifts from nothing to £500. We had a number of friends travelling from abroad and poorer friends and I was delighted that they could attend and made it very clear i didn’t want them to get a present. Ironically, the person that gave us £500 was one of the poorer attendees and it made us feel uncomfortable because we knew he didn’t have much money to spare. Most people probably got things in the range of about £30. I made sure there were things on our gift lists in the £5-10 range so there were affordable things on there.

Please do not feel bad for giving £20.

I think £20 is ample.

I got married to get married. Not for the gifts or money. I would have felt awful if people had given so much at mine.

Give what you feel comfortable with. People dishing out hundreds or thousands on here seriously??!!

Crikey. I was going to say £50 tops

Agree that the 'covering your plate' idea is abhorrent. I'd never heard of that before.

People should give what they can afford, I think anything would be welcome. Quite nice for the couple to go out, choose and buy things after their wedding or use it for spends on honeymoon.

I would be very upset if someone put themselves in financial difficulty to attend my wedding. I would also be very upset to have fewer guests simply because they felt they had to give a certain amount that they couldn’t afford.

Go to the wedding and be part of their special day. If she’s a good friend, she invited for you that and not for the presents. Money and presents are nice but they’re not the be all and end all.

This thread is mental. I mean it’s lovely that some people can give hundreds and thousands as wedding gifts, but surely that isn’t the norm for the average working class person?

We didn’t specifically ask for money for our wedding, but for those who asked, we said it’d be nice to get money in the currency of the country we were going to on our honeymoon. My work colleagues (evening only, quite a big group) clubbed together to give £70-80 between them. Other friends was £20-30ish. One friend gave around £100 and honestly I found that a bit awkward (although still lovely) since I knew she wasn’t well off and I wouldn’t have thought to give that much the other way around. Some who game in the evening contributed a small amount but more bought actual gifts, worth maybe £20 max (champagne glasses, photo frames etc). Some didn’t give a gift at all and just signed a nice card. We didn’t care. We never wanted the money back...the day was for us and we invited people we wanted to share it with and pay for.

Personally, I’ve given €50 to a close friend who married in her home country, costing me a lot in travel and accommodation. I’ve given £20 and taken some drinks to a friend I’ve known casually for a year or so who had their wedding party in their own garden. I’ve given £30 to an old school friend who I’m no longer close to, who married while I was still a student. I don’t think I was ever being cheap...it was what felt appropriate at the time. If you think £20 is fine given your relationship, then it is absolutely fine. What I did for one of them was to buy a nice photo frame and put the money in that wrapped. Everyone likes opening gifts, and it becomes a frame they can put a honeymoon photo in.

@ScotsinOz
Surely once you'd paid up for the 1st wedding, you'd halve the money for the subsequent ones?
1st wedding £1000
2nd wedding £500
3rd wedding £250
And so on.....?

One friend gave around £100 and honestly I found that a bit awkward (although still lovely) since I knew she wasn’t well off and I wouldn’t have thought to give that much the other way around

She'd probably seen a thread like this where people say it's stingy to give less than £50 and how the done thing is to give at least £100 because she has to cover the cost of the extortionately expensive meal you've put on for her.

Sadly yes it does mean that some people don't go to a wedding they otherwise would have. As they would be too embarrassed to put €10/20 in a card. That's a terrible state of affairs. I'd feel awful if someone I wanted at my wedding didn't come because they were embarrassed about what they could or couldn't afford.

Invitations go out well in advance so people can plan accordingly and if needed, scrape the money from somewhere else
Again, I'd feel terrible to think of a friend or family member scrimping and saving just to be able to give me an 'acceptable' gift or cash sum.

I'm not married, but I'm very certain if DP and I did do it we'd not give a rat's ass (or even really think) about what if any presents and money people gave us. I'd just want people there to have fun with.

Watching with interest.
2nd wedding of This work colleagues, both in good jobs, both in 50s with children grown up, largely.
Have no idea what to give or how much to spend.
We are having to go and spend on overnight stay as well.

Invitations go out well in advance so people can plan accordingly and if needed, scrape the money from somewhere else

That's a seriously sad and shit state of affairs when people feel compelled to scrape money or save it up or get into debt to give a gift to someone else's party.

EVERY single one of these threads, too, is always sprinkled with anti-American bullshit like that they demand cash gifts to 'cover your plate'. Utter tosh. They do gift registries often, with a range of prices from very little on up, most commonly but no one's expected to give hundreds of dollars to 'cover their plate'.

2nd wedding of This work colleagues, both in good jobs, both in 50s with children grown up, largely.

There's tacky and then there's being in your 50s with grown children on having a big bash as a 2nd wedding and touting for cash from guests. Fucking hell, that is grabby.

Agree with stanski and scotsinoz but I didn't grow up in the UK and culturally we give big presents for weddings so that would be a cash gift on top of a very expensive gift of similar value or more even property, cars etc for family and close friends. People who can't afford usually gift something for the wedding e.g. flowers or their services.

People are very different here and I do like that people give what they can and aren't expect to get themselves into debt over a wedding. As long as you are comfortable with your gift OP that's all that matters - give within your means.

If you’re skint you give what you can, if you’re not then £20 is an insult. Would you buy a gift for £20??

I'd give whatever amount was generous, but absolutely affordable.

Where I'm from it's the norm to pay at least what the expense of having you there was
So how is that calculated? £100 for the main meal, but then there's the welcome drinks and canapés so say £25 then evening buffet, abother £30? Slice of the wedding cake, say £4. What about the evening entertainment? Work out about £5 per head? Put on transport between venues? Another £10. So we're at £174.
Are we charging a share of the venue costs as you wouldn't need 10 table centres and 100 chair covers if people didn't come. Say £10 each. Safe to assume the clothes etc wouldn't cost more, nor the church etc.
So let's say £184 per adult, and £99 for child. So £566 for a couple with two primary school aged kids on top of their clothes and travel / accommodation costs.
Sorted for you OP!

I cannot understand the contradiction that is mumsnet sometimes it isn't the contradiction you don't understand because there isn't one. People are saying they give what thry can afford. What you can't understand is not everyone has tons of disposable income. Isimy couldn't afford to give £150 gift plus cover travel and accommodation and drinks for two of us to attend a wedding. Simple. If thst means I'm not good e ough to come to your wedding then frankly, good!

@DuMondeB. crikey, our entire wedding cost about £2000. A cash gift of £1000 would’ve been disproportionate! that's OK, you're not worthy of a 1k gift. One merely covers the cost of the food so if your food budget was only £20 per head then it would be £40 for a couple. You want more, throw me a posher party 😂😂😂

@ScotsinOz Wow! Really? Will you be my friend, I'm sure I can persuade my husband to renew our vows, and we will let you sit on the top table. Actually, I'm sure I have relatives called ScotsinOz, so I think you may be my niece.....

Your job isn;t to pay for their wedding and add on a bit for a gift. The couple pays for their wedding - and chooses the venue, refreshments and entertainment according to what the can afford. The idea that a guest (who hs probably also had to spend on outfit, travel and possibly accomodation) should be covering their food is ridiculous.

£20 is perfectly fine if that is what you can afford, certainly you should not give mor than you can afford - what on earth would be the point of that ? I'm sure the last thing the wedding couple would want is for people to worry about not giving enough.

And the idea that being well off means you are successful person is laughable - and evidence of the fact that you are actually a person of rather limited imagination if you believe money and success are the same thing.

Lots of people gave us money for our wedding. The most anyone gave was £200 and that was an uncle who was very well off. Most people gave around £50, my friends were mainly early 30s professionals so earning fairly well. Two or three of my close friends for various reasons had very little money (out of work, one had MH issues), neither gave me any money and in one case I paid for her hotel room as she'd need to stay over and I knew it would be a massive issue for her. I would feel very uncomfortable if someone gave me more than a week or so's disposable income.

Just to be clear they gave no money or any gifts and that was absolutely fine. I'd hate people to give me an amount of money they'd miss.

£50 in your circumstances. But if it’s too expensive then buy them something for honeymoon like nipple tassles and a nice atlas.

that the 'covering your plate' idea is abhorrent. I'd never heard of that

It is awful.