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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to give more

378 replies

SummerTime12345 · 02/10/2019 00:21

So a friend is getting married very soon. They have asked for money for their honeymoon - which obviously doesn't bother me if that's what they want!
I just don't know what to give. We have only met this year but have become very close and see each other a couple of times a week. I'm going to the full wedding day and I went on the hen do. But I don't know what to give!
Help!

OP posts:
Thehouseintheforest · 02/10/2019 21:50

Have =gave

Janaih · 02/10/2019 21:56

£20 absolutely fine.

CrystalShark · 02/10/2019 22:00

Being expected to "cover my plate" effectively means I am buying a ticket to a wedding. However much I wished to support the couple, I'm always going to get bad value - the food is rarely what I would choose in restaurant, scale catering always gives service/cold food/ other issues like that, I have to talk to people who I might not like, plus undoubtedly I would have had to cover my travel costs to get there. Not to mention I am time poor. If this was the genuine expectation, I'd rather not go - whether or not I could afford it.

This is a good point tbh. If you’re going by the idea that your guests ought to be paying for their own meal and expenses, you can’t then be offended if people choose not to attend because the ticket to your event isn’t worth it to them. I’ve never had particularly nice food at a wedding, if I was expected to ‘cover the cost of my plate’ to attend without causing offence I just wouldn’t go, I’d rather spend probably a third of that amount on a nice dinner out somewhere of my choosing!

In stitches at the idea of having expected guests to pay me back for what I spent on their food at MY wedding where I chose where to eat and how much to spend lol. I’m semi thinking that’s just a made up thing to wind people up on MN.

ErrolFinn · 02/10/2019 22:23

We got married last year and got a variety from £50-200 from friends and more from family. We had a couple of people give just a card but we knew they had spent a lot to get there and we were just grateful for their company.
In general we tend to give £75-100 per couple for friends.

I would give what you can afford OP. Maybe look for a gift in the sale that has more of a meaning to the couple? Some of the best gifts I have received have been the thoughtful ones, not the most expensive ones!

choli · 02/10/2019 22:23

I’m semi thinking that’s just a made up thing to wind people up on MN.
I've heard of couples in Ireland keeping spreadsheets to track who gave them how much money as a gift. That way they can tell who gave less than they gave at the givers wedding, and how much to reciprocate at givers whose wedding is in the future. It's crazy.

EveWasShamed · 02/10/2019 22:26

Give what you can afford OP and ignore the cunty relies.

ScotsinOz denying the kicking in plain sight did make me laugh though Grin I actually think it’s tacky giving £300 to a colleague (assuming you’re not close friends outside of work, but even at that it’s more than I would give) - as a pp said it smacks of flashing the cash, and I imagine most recipients would feel awkward!

timshelthechoice · 02/10/2019 22:32

You 'cover your plate' at a restaurant plus more for their overheads. And you usually don't travel for hundreds of miles to a restaurant, you get to choose what you eat and send it back if it's cold or tasteless, you choose the time when you eat, you eat without having to endure boring speeches and if you don't like the prices you don't book it in the first places. So why not just charge admission to a wedding if you expect people to pay the cost of it plus some more then they can better decide if it's less hassle to go to Harvester and be done with it.

ChevalierTialys · 02/10/2019 22:44

People saying £10/£20 is cheap Confused some people can only afford that much...

AmIThough · 03/10/2019 05:22

I've heard of couples in Ireland keeping spreadsheets to track who gave them how much money as a gift. That way they can tell who gave less than they gave at the givers wedding, and how much to reciprocate at givers whose wedding is in the future. It's crazy.

I have a Muslim friend who said they do the same thing. They give what was given to them. She attends all extended family weddings and gives £100 a time so when she gets married she's going to be minted Grin

Notajogger · 03/10/2019 07:00

£10 from someone who is skint is worth more than £1000 from a millionaire.
This. We had £20 in a card from a friend who is on benefits, and the same amount from a couple who live in a £1m house. The same amount means different things to those people.

Also the thought of giving £300 to a work colleague is just bizarre - to be honest I'd think they were rather odd and feel pretty awkward about it/around them in future!

LorelaiRoryEmily · 03/10/2019 07:31

@choli that is crazy. I'm Irish and we certainly didn't do that! We had a couple who didn't give us a present and we provided one of the services for their wedding 18months later, free of charge and we gave them €200 in the card too.

BenWillbondsPants · 03/10/2019 08:00

I've heard of couples in Ireland keeping spreadsheets to track who gave them how much money as a gift. That way they can tell who gave less than they gave at the givers wedding, and how much to reciprocate at givers whose wedding is in the future.

This is a horrible way to behave. Incidentally, I'm sure it's not just Irish couples who do this, people seem to be getting more grabby by the day.

Brocks1981 · 03/10/2019 17:43

Personally £10-£20 is more than enough. My wedding I didn't ask, I dont feel I have the right, my guests are there because I invited them and I always think telling guests what you want is quite cheeky unless they are close relatives. We got a number of small gifts, mug sets, plates etc even though we already had home set up they all came in useful and some kept as mementoes, but those who sent cash sent an average of £10-£20 each im a card, a couple of close family had put in £50 and it was great, but I felt overwhelmed at their generosity and didn't expect any more. I wasn't confident evwn holding that much money on my wedding day so my dad ended up collecting it all up ans looked after it until we headed off on our homeymoon days later. Those who say £150-£200 must be posh, but as far as I'm concerned I'd have returned anyones money if they had paid that much. I coukdnt justify keeping ut. I chose to gwt married not them, and them being there ia sufficient.

Mummyshark2018 · 03/10/2019 17:56

For a close friend attending all day I would give a minimum of £50 each, so £100 per couple, but I have given £150-200 depending on friend. For a work colleague u would give £30 but try and club in with another colleague as I would feel stingy putting £30 in a card as a wedding gift. Ultimately it depends what you can afford. £20 if they know you're skint but not if you walk around with designer clothes/ flash car etc imo.

Zoejj77 · 03/10/2019 17:59

Give what you can afford. It will all get put together with other people’s gifts and not be scrutinised individually.

jillybeanclevertips · 03/10/2019 18:01

I think you should give what you were going to spend on a pressie, and not feel pressured to give more. Its a sad thing when people ask for money, its not called filthy lucre for nothing. Put it in a neutral envelope with card if nec. Either that or give them a pressie and say you prefer to make your gift more personal .

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/10/2019 18:01

You ought to give sixty trillion pounds.
Give what you can afford - I would never go less than £50.

Hally2020 · 03/10/2019 18:08

Give whatever you can afford or want to give, most people are just happy to have you share their special day with them! The days of helping set up newlyweds homes have long gone because most of us have what we need before we get married😊

Chezza83 · 03/10/2019 18:15

Give what you can afford.. .....simple as x

Sara107 · 03/10/2019 18:19

Give what you can afford. I gave £100 to a family member recently but never received a thank you so I don’t know if that means it was too little- Irish wedding!! Maybe they’ve been too busy doing the spreadsheet to find time for thank you letters.

IdblowJonSnow · 03/10/2019 18:20

Average 50 to 100 as part of a couple.
But please just pay what you can afford and if that's a tenner so be it. If they are real friends they'll be very happy with that!

cavycavy · 03/10/2019 18:23

@Stompythedinosaur brilliant idea!!

Celestine70 · 03/10/2019 18:26

20-40. What you can afford though. I think thirty would be great.

KronksSpinachPuffs · 03/10/2019 18:38

We got married this year and 2 friends of ours (a couple) that weve known for years gave us £20 and we thought that was completely normal, they've just bought a new house and have 2 young kids so we were really grateful :)

BunsyGirl · 03/10/2019 18:40

£50 unless a very close relative in which case I would give £100. If you want to appear thoughtful find out where they are going on honeymoon and give them the money in the currency of that particular country. For example, some people gave us US dollars (as we spent part of our honeymoon in the States) which was a lovely touch.

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