To be beyond angry

[usernamestaken]

Hi, long, long time lurker but have never felt the need to post until now.

An unexpected expense has come up today, which needs sorting ASAP. And as my wages just about cover childcare and bills etc I asked 'd'h to pay this.

His first response was 'no'. And then he asked how everyone else seems to manage on a part time wage and wtc, so why can't I?! And then here is the best bit, he told me to pay my own bills!! This is a household expense, so certainly not something only I would benefit from.

I am so pissed off, I don't know if I'm over reacting or I have every right to be as angry as I am.

Write a list

Total bills including childcare and savings

His wage
Your wage

And then see what’s fair

Is he always financially abusive, refusing to pay houshold bills while you cover things that take all your wages?
How do you split bills? Do you pay into one pot, pay all bills/savings and get the same spends each?
Do you put money each into the bill pot and pay in based on earings, so if he earns twicce your wage, he puts in twice as much?

I am confused do have joint money or your own money covering certain bills?

What was the expense?

My gut is yanbu. But I do think there could be something else going on if you generally have a good marriage

We don't have joint money, his choice.

He earns twice as much as me, I am self employed, I rent a space so have that added expense.

I pay all bills and half towards the rent. He pays his car expenses and 2 other small bills. He contributes towards dc clothes, shoes, activities etc. He's a fitness fanatic, After he's paid for his gym and all related costs, he's left with around 40% of his wage.
On a good month I have around £100 left at the end of each month which I use for my clothes, toiletries etc.

Why have you been agreeing to this set up until now? In fact, why are you with this guy?

What is the bill for?

Your financial arranges are very unfair. Someone who loves you shouldn't want to have a significantly better lifestyle at your expense.

What @Didntwanttochangemyname said.

Why would you have agreed to this set up.

Do as @GreenTulips suggests - write out all the family costs over a month (not forgetting to add in a % of annual costs like insurances / TV licence / Christmas / MOT and other car costs etc).

You, as co-parents, and two adults in one family unit, should end up with the same amount of 'personal spending money' each month, after you've paid all bills, family treats, (if you can afford) put something aside for holidays, short term and long term savings, etc.

Couldn't say I would be happy with that arrangement.
If you can, don't pay this bill and when he notices and he asks why tell him it's because he's a tosser.
He sounds like a controlling and selfish. No wonder he doesn't want joint finances because he doesn't want to pull his weight!

@Didntwanttochangemyname I've only recently gone back to work and partly because I didn't want to have to run every expense by him. Eg, the water bills gone up and he wants to know why and why do I have to use so much water.

I ask myself the same question and can't think of a answer as to why I'm with him. Necessity I guess. If I can't manage now with his contributions and he puts it, how will I if I'm on my own?!

@reboot the boiler needs repairing so it's not something I can put off.

What a selfish arsehole. is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? If not then step up and tell him this is unacceptable!

We rent from a family member and the rent is a lot cheaper because we agreed to pay half towards all house repairs and costs.

Ditch him

Yanbu he is an arsehole

You rent from a family member his relative or yours?

What does he do with the 40% he has left over each month.

If you have house insurance you might have cover with them for your boiler.

I never bought it specifically but when my boiler packed in last year I rang them on the off chance and it was covered.

Your oh sounds like a prick.

Do nothing and let him deal with the repair if the boiler.
If he is cold, has no hot water, I’m sure this will help him concentrate in what is important.

And then leave him.
It’s going to be MUCH CHEAPER for you to only have to pay for yourself than also having to pay for him. And you will receive CM too.
Why do I suspect this would actually be more than what he pays atm?

Hmm so he's saying 'you couldn't cope on your own?' That's a classic abuser's thing to say.

I would say to him 'I think we should be splitting the bills/expenses (at least) equally.'

If he earns more than he can pay a bit more towards relative extras than you.

You need to discuss it. xx

@justasking111 his.

As far as I'm aware it's being saved. He says it's for a deposit on a house but whenever I ask him how much is in the account or when will we start looking he doesn't want to engage in the subject.

Writing all this down makes me feel like a doormat.
I also pay for all food for us and dc, unless we eat out or get a takeaway which he pays for.

He thinks that replacing the boiler is your bill

Thinks it's about time for a serious discussion.

Oh dear OP.
Hope your eyes are starting to open now. What a controlling twat.

@QuestionableMouse I will call tomorrow, thanks.

@Myriade don't think it will bother him much, he showers at the gym before work, then goes to the gym again after work. Comes home, spends some time with the dc then tinkers about in the garage and off he goes to bed.

DH and I put our wages into the house account (joint account so we both have access). From there all bills are paid. At the end of the month we take whatever is left, give ourselves some spending money (an equal amount) and put the rest in savings. DH earns 7 times more than me.

There are no arguments over who pays for what as bills come first.

I think your DH @usernamestaken is the kind who is "I'm alright Jack" and doesn't appear to give a stuff about you.

Re-read it all, and it sounds even worse. He is effectively living there rent free and bill free whilst you shoulder everything. Cocklodging at its best.
Time for a rethink.