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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be beyond angry

178 replies

usernamestaken · 01/10/2019 21:20

Hi, long, long time lurker but have never felt the need to post until now.

An unexpected expense has come up today, which needs sorting ASAP. And as my wages just about cover childcare and bills etc I asked 'd'h to pay this.

His first response was 'no'. And then he asked how everyone else seems to manage on a part time wage and wtc, so why can't I?! And then here is the best bit, he told me to pay my own bills!! This is a household expense, so certainly not something only I would benefit from.

I am so pissed off, I don't know if I'm over reacting or I have every right to be as angry as I am.

OP posts:
ClaudiaSchiffersUglySister · 02/10/2019 03:52

He’s a cunt.

Please leave him ASAP. You will be so much better off in the long run.

Sanity is everything!

pumkinspicetime · 02/10/2019 04:15

OP YABU, you should be much angrier than you are. You sound more scared and beaten down than angry.
Remember you run a household, raise dc and have your own job.
You can sort this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2019 05:14

What was the set up before you went back to work? It sounds as though he doesn’t like you working and is making this as awkward as possible, even down to leaving the house in a tip at the weekend. This is very worrying and abusive behaviour.

Does he never get mail from the bank or bank statements? A paperless society is great in principle but leaves spouses, who cannot access financial detail in a very difficult situation.

I know you are scared. However it is of no use to try and have this out with him. He wants you to be beholden to him so you will be wasting your energy and losing another battle, which will hurt and make you feel weaker.

The only way out of this is to let the world know what an financially abusive and generally abusive arsehole he is. Start by talking to the house owner about the boiler, talk to your in laws etc. And gather any financial information on him that you can. Oops you accidentally opened his post.

PhilCornwall1 · 02/10/2019 05:24

He's royally taking this piss here, he's your husband!

Shoxfordian · 02/10/2019 05:28

He lives in the house though so he's responsible for the boiler cost as well. He's taking the piss.

KatharinaRosalie · 02/10/2019 06:33

He doesn't do much around the house, but says that's because he works longer hours than I do - to benefit himself only, as he keeps all the cash.

But he thinks I should pay all childcare because I decided to go back to work. - But HE decided to go back to work too - well, to continue working, same thing.

Aisforharlot · 02/10/2019 07:36

Does he love you at all?

Carthage · 02/10/2019 07:36

MaPaSpa, but this situation doesn't happen from day one. Otherwise no one would put up with it. It's a drip, drip, drip over time. I'm sure this man started off as quite pleasant to his wife, but it would have started as the odd mean remark. But not enough to fall out about. The odd unreasonable request that she glosses over to keep the peace as the rest of the time he's nice. Don't forget that many women are brought up to be 'nice' and 'accommodating'.

I'm sure this only ramped up once they were married and had children and it was less easy to just walk away.

Well done OP for starting to realise what's going on and take action.

leckford · 02/10/2019 07:40

Big mistake getting involved with someone so mean. The comment about the water bill is ludicrous would you be better off without him?

VenusTiger · 02/10/2019 10:01

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook and @Harriedharriet no, im definitely not a man Grin and I’ve been on netmums but I don’t have a profile.
I just wish people would sit down and talk before they make massive decisions that’s all, I’ve been with my husband for 20 years this year and I’m a sahm, so have experience of what it’s like not to have your own money. My husband saves for his pension and saves for our son too, but he wouldn’t dream of asking me to pay for such a massive expense if I was earning way less than him. I just like to see people be less angry first and find out before they jump the gun that’s all. He may be saving all the leftover money for a house for them and it seems like he can’t win. I don’t agree with his stance that he shouldn’t pay for it though, in fact, she shouldn’t be paying what she already is at the moment imo, but every family is different.

Original poster
usernamestaken · 02/10/2019 10:44

Thank you for all the replies

@Mummyoflittledragon before I returned to work he would put money into an account to cover bills and the food shop, anything extra I'd have to ask. He gets no mail so I really have no clue as to how much he has put away.

@Carthage that's exactly what's happening. In the beginning he paid for everything and I saved/spent as I wish. I stopped work after dc1, as he said he would take care of everything.

He came in late last night and then left for work when I dropped dc off at school. I'll see him later tonight probably, unless he's avoiding me. And if he still doesn't want to talk then I'll contact his family.

OP posts:
flirtygirl · 02/10/2019 14:25

Op you said you are beyond angry. I really don't think you are, you sound very passive and I know what it's like trying to keep the peace but something do need addressing and challenging.

I don't think you are angry enough yet.

GrumpiestCat · 02/10/2019 14:28

If you ever divorce the courts will take a dim view of this set up. If he thinks 50/50 is fair for the rent perhaps this should go for all other household income including his spare cash. If not why not?

GrumpiestCat · 02/10/2019 14:38

Also if you are main caregiver a court would more likely want to see you paying less than 50% of the overall outgoings. You'd be a fucktonne better off the other side of a divorce financial order, including child maintenance, I promise you. He has a large surplus each month, you don't. That's not fair. It's not being grabby it's simply not fair.

lily2403 · 02/10/2019 14:42

I stopped reading at the you decided to go back to work so childcare costs are yours...men like him are just shit

we have a our own accounts and a joint one, we both pay into the joint account and equal amount which covers mortgage, bills food and childcare and whats in our own accounts we can spend as we like we also both have our own savings accounts for rainy day stuff that is again shared equally between us

Bellringer · 02/10/2019 14:58

Get legal advice so you know your rights and options. Knowledge is power. Don't be subservient to him. If you are afraid you should leave. If not, stand your corner

Therealjudgejudy · 02/10/2019 15:19

Cant believe what I have just read. OP, please come to your senses and realise that you are being abused by a man who doesn't even seem to like you, let alone love you.

Pepperwand · 02/10/2019 15:38

So he goes to the gym both before and after work and he has a savings account but won't let you see how much money is in it. I'm sorry but this screams "has another woman" to me, surely I can't be the only one thinking it?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 02/10/2019 16:51

When he has saved enough for a deposit on a house, are you going to be on the deeds?

INeedAFlerken · 02/10/2019 17:25

He is hiding his money while forcing you to spend all of yours on him, your home and your child. He is even making you cover all childcare costs to ensure that you have nothing left over from your salary. He is trying to trap you into doing everything and having nothing.

Seriously. Get legal advice. You need to make a plan to leave and get your share of the family assets on the way out. Terrible example to set for your children if you stay ... you're being financially abused. And punished for working. Shocking.

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 02/10/2019 17:51

You have my very first LTB. This is financial abuse. He's controlling you.
Trust me, when you leave an abusive relationship, the relief is immense. No more walking on eggshells, having control of your own life.
LTB and pursue child maintenance and get legal advice asap.

cacklingmags · 02/10/2019 21:05

OP you have been conditioned by this useless git to be afraid to stand up for yourself. If you don't challenge this shit you and your children will get poorer and poorer while that selfish arsehole gets richer, better dressed, nice car etc. before long the cunt will start dating someone else whilst you are skivvying and nannying for him - you are heading for worse times if you don't tell him what the fuck is what now. Fucking financial abuser that he is.

Troels · 02/10/2019 22:59

This gets worse.
So he doesn't get post at the house you are living in? It must be getting delivered somewhere else.
If you get divorced, you are entitled to some of that money he's been stashing away I hope you know what bank it's in.
Once you leave, you get to apply for Child tax credits and working tax credits, plus more. Chances are they add up to more than he contributes, and you will get Child maintenece from him on top.
Do you think maybe he owns the house you are in, and makes out it's his brother so he can get you paying some of the costs of the boiler etc?
You need to go and see a shark of a solicitor and find out exactly waht he's up to.
You can see online who actually owns the house at landregistry.gov it cost £3 or something like that.

StCharlotte · 02/10/2019 23:23

If I can't manage now with his contributions and he puts it, how will I if I'm on my own?!

Benefits, housing benefit etc. and, as a fellow taxpayer, I wouldn't begrudge you a penny. And of course maintenance.

Ce7913 · 03/10/2019 00:28

Wow. Just wow. I can't believe you have tolerated this arrangement up to this point.

PP have offered many insights but one thing I didn't see covered is this:

You mentioned your arrangement that you do way more around the house, and he gets to do way less, because he works longer hours outside the home?

That ^ is a privilege afforded to a man who shares his income with the partner who is picking up their slack.

You don't share in his wage - it's clear he considers it to be his discretional income only.

... Therefore, he is the only one benefiting from his 'long hours'.

Why should you invest all that time and effort and emotional labour into doing way more around the house just to facilitate him hoarding his money and feathering his own nest?

How is it fair, ethical or decent for him to do this at your expense?

Either it's household/family money, and so you do part of his share of the household labour to facilitate a better lifestyle and financial position overall for the both of you

or

It's his money, in which case his longer hours are in no fucking way your problem and you should absolutely hold him accountable for an equal share of the household labour.

Disgusting.

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