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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be beyond angry

178 replies

usernamestaken · 01/10/2019 21:20

Hi, long, long time lurker but have never felt the need to post until now.

An unexpected expense has come up today, which needs sorting ASAP. And as my wages just about cover childcare and bills etc I asked 'd'h to pay this.

His first response was 'no'. And then he asked how everyone else seems to manage on a part time wage and wtc, so why can't I?! And then here is the best bit, he told me to pay my own bills!! This is a household expense, so certainly not something only I would benefit from.

I am so pissed off, I don't know if I'm over reacting or I have every right to be as angry as I am.

OP posts:
Mostunexpected · 01/10/2019 22:42

You'd get the £400 child maint, but you'd also get tax credits/universal credits, lower council tax, food etc. You'd find you'd prob be better off tbh.

Exactly this. But also surely you'd be entitled to 50% of the cash he has squirrelled away which is probably a significant sum

k1233 · 01/10/2019 22:43

If you want to ram it home, ask home to pay his share of family costs for the last x years - that way you'll get your own little savings pot.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 01/10/2019 22:45

If we were to split he would make contact as awkward as possible for me. I doubt he would do weekends so I can work

This just gets worse and worse OP. You seem cowed by this awful man. It's no way to live.

.

Winterlife · 01/10/2019 22:45

If we were to split he would make contact as awkward as possible for me. I doubt he would do weekends so I can work.

So hire someone on the days you need to work. Do you have any family that could help?

If you are renting from his brother, call the brother and tell him your husband refuses to pay for the boiler, and as you are responsible for the majority of household expenses other than half the rent, you cannot afford to contribute to the boiler.

In our family, everything goes toward family expenses. We share one account, and I pay all bills from that account.

Sorry, OP. To me, this doesn't sound like much of a family life.Sad

Quartz2208 · 01/10/2019 22:45

Leave though legal advice to start

Mothership4two · 01/10/2019 22:46

Another post on MN where the wife/female partner is responsible for all the household bills and childcare and the husband pays for a separate portion and then quibbles when he has to pay a bit more. These wives tend to be earning less, often part-time, as looking after the children. Also a tendency for these wives to be doing all the household chores. What is up with these men-children? They seem to want to act like single men in a marriage/partnership and make no effort to look after their home or their children. If the wives ask for help they are called nags!

Wonkybanana · 01/10/2019 22:47

OP you know when people say that marriage is just a piece of paper? It's not what they usually mean, but in your case the marriage is just a piece of paper - there's nothing else about it that represents any sort of partnership. You can try as hard as you like, but you can't make it a marriage on your own.

With all my worldly goods I thee endow? I bet he had his fingers crossed behind his back when he said that. And saving for your future? Bollocks. It will never happen. No house, no money for the family, just his money.

OP you're being used, and yes, abused. He has a housekeeper, a cook, a shag whenever he wants it, more money than he can spend, and what do you have? No respect, no consideration, and no money. Because you spend all yours on patching up the holes in the budget that appear because he doesn't think you're worth a decent standard of living. He's controlling every aspect of your life by the way he's keeping you in hardship.

Please reflect on what your marriage really is. I've only ever said ltb once before on MN, and this is my second time. Your life will be better when you have control over yourself and your life.

Stophuggingme · 01/10/2019 22:49

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

He is showing you that his wages, his life, his status: in short him come above the family he chose to make with you.

You can either spend the rest of your life chipping away at the innately self absorbed characteristics which verge on or are cruel and controlling or you can stick two fingers up at him and forge ahead on your own without such gross inequality and degradation.

I know what I would do.

jennymanara · 01/10/2019 22:51

The reason he would be embarrassed if you asked his brother for a loan, is that it would expose to his family how terribly he is treating you.
You can't let your kids go without heat and hot water.
You could say to him that if he will not pay for the boiler, you will need to ring his brother for a loan.

Raspberrytruffle · 01/10/2019 22:52

Crikey op why do you allow him to treat you like this? He is as tight as a frogs arse, I know people like this and believe me they dont change merely say the right things to pacify you when you threaten to leave then once all of this inconvenience is forgotten they continue with there shitty behaviour. You are a family op it should all go in to a pot he is financially abusive.

BringMeTea · 01/10/2019 22:54

You need to leave this man. Your life and your dc life will improve immeasurably. He is a horror.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 01/10/2019 22:54

Op your situation reminds me of what I had a few years ago.. I thought I’d never be able to manage on my own too.. But actually I’m sooo much better off without him, financially, but in other ways as well. When we split I was able to be rehoused with my children. I claimed what benefits I was entitled too, and he has to pay me maintenance - more than he reliably paid me in “housekeeping”. I honestly have such a better standard of living now, and seriously you could too. x

Original poster
usernamestaken · 01/10/2019 22:56

@jennymanara I've just text him this.
He is out and ignoring my calls, but he has read this message.

Even if he covered half the childcare and maybe the utility bill it would still leave him with a significant amount and me with something to fall back on. But he thinks I should pay all childcare because I decided to go back to work.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/10/2019 22:58

So he is punishing you twice for working by withholding money and now by being out because you are starting to fight back

Is it his brothers house

ILearnedItFromABook · 01/10/2019 22:59

He sounds like a piece of crap. You're the mother of his children and supposed to be the woman he loves, yet he treats you this way? I honestly couldn't stay with a man who was so unfair and selfish.

If he were truly saving towards a house/the future which still wouldn't excuse the way he seems to be treating you he'd be open to discussing how much he has saved, what the target is, when he might consider house-shopping, etc. The fact that he isn't willing to share any information speaks volumes.

If he treats you so shabbily in your day-to-day life, why would you believe that he's any different in his secret, private finances? He's unlikely to be generous in that one aspect of his life when he's so selfish in all others. Those savings would seem to be for him, and you're just lucky if you get to tag along (and keep footing the bills, caring for the children, cleaning, and so on).

TinkerPony · 01/10/2019 22:59

The house belong to his relative so he should be paying for the boiler repair halves with His relative or the relative should be paying or his house insurance to cover repair bill.

k1233 · 01/10/2019 22:59

It's not your child, it's his child too. It's a family cost, it's split 50/50

nicenewdusters · 01/10/2019 23:00

I wouldn't put the note in his gym bag. It won't make any difference. He sees you as separate and subordinate. No amount of listing just how unfair your financial affairs are will change anything. He knows, he's choosing to live this way. Gym twice a day, 40% of earnings somewhere you're not allowed to know about? Who knows what his life really is.

You sound scared and intimidated by him - and no wonder. Shine a light on his disgusting behaviour, talk to close friends and/or family about it. Don't protect him, take legal advice and decide how you want to go forward in life - without him.

jennymanara · 01/10/2019 23:00

Let us know what he eventually says. And do not agree to pay anything towards the boiler. Just keep saying you do not have enough money. If he asks how others manage, point out that if they were living alone with kids and working the hours you do, that they would have a reduction in council tax, get child maintenance and not be paying for another adults food. You have less money than someone with kids working part-time and living without another adult.

DrawingLife · 01/10/2019 23:03

You know this isn't a healthy relationship, you know he's abusive. It's there in every detail you give of how he treats you and in how you modify your own behaviour to avoid him getting angry or argumentative. Every scenario where you imagine standing up to him ends with him bullying you to give in or purposely making things difficult for you.
I understand how scary the thought of leaving must be. But going by what you've said here it honestly looks like the best option, not just for financial reasons.
Wishing you all the best, OP!!

Original poster
usernamestaken · 01/10/2019 23:04

We need to sit down and I need to stand my ground but I don't think it will make a difference. Or maybe it will, I don't know.

OP posts:
jennymanara · 01/10/2019 23:04

Also even if he agrees to pay for the boiler, think about who you could start confiding in about your home situation - a relative or friend?

sheshootssheimplores · 01/10/2019 23:04

What the fuck? The boiler packs up in his relatives house that you are currently both renting and half the bill to fix it is yours alone? Errrm why?

Mothership4two · 01/10/2019 23:05

OP you have said you get cheaper rent so pay half bills and costs, but a new boiler is a bit excessive. Landlord really should be putting this in.

However, your dh is really out of order!

jennymanara · 01/10/2019 23:06

It might make no difference to stand your ground. But you can stand your ground with the boiler. You can refuse to pay telling him you cant afford it and say if he won't pay that you need to talk to his brother. Remember you are not asking for luxuries, simply for your kids to have heating and hot water.

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