To be beyond angry

[usernamestaken]

Hi, long, long time lurker but have never felt the need to post until now.

An unexpected expense has come up today, which needs sorting ASAP. And as my wages just about cover childcare and bills etc I asked 'd'h to pay this.

His first response was 'no'. And then he asked how everyone else seems to manage on a part time wage and wtc, so why can't I?! And then here is the best bit, he told me to pay my own bills!! This is a household expense, so certainly not something only I would benefit from.

I am so pissed off, I don't know if I'm over reacting or I have every right to be as angry as I am.

Have you posted about his financial abuse before? His particular approach feels familiar.

Maybe I've just heard this scenario so many times.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

This is not a normal way to live.

I will never understand how someone can be happy to earn what they do and treat their so called partner like this. Its financial abuse.

Wow he sounds like a complete gem
OP.

He's being financially abusive. You would be better off financially without him. You'd get benefits and he'd have to pay child maintenance.

I'm not sure what he's bringing to your life

@ShawshanksRedemption I can only dream of that arrangement

@katalavenete this is my first post.

@WhoKnewBeefStew maintainable would be just over £400 a month, which is roughly what he spends on us now, rent excluded.

OP is telling that with this level of financial abuse you havent thought to post.

Its bad OP he is disengaged from everything.

If you leave (which should be easy given its his family member) you will get some benefit help. maintenance and as married half of the savings from him.

Legal advice, then get estate agents and go

Wow he certainly has a nice life - keep basically all the money for himself and his hobby and have someone taking care of house and kids. Lovely.
WHAT A TWAT.

I think he's spent his 40% left of his wage and he's blaming your financial mismanagement so you don't question him...

Writing all this down makes me feel like a doormat.

Sorry, but you are acting like one. And I say that when I have a very close friend who is ones of the world's angels, and has a husband like yours. She'd help anyone. He'd step over his own son if he fell down dead. That is not an exaggeration either. I'll say the same to you as I tell her. Get the hell out. This is abuse.

It's his birthday this weekend as I just want to cancel all plans and save myself the money and put it towards 'my bills.'

This man does not love you OP.

Do it, OP. His attitude stinks.

@whyffs maybe you are right.

That's not a bad idea OP - tell your DP you can't afford gifts or celebrations because of the boiler cost, perhaps that will resonate

In other news - he's a dick, and whatever he is saving for it isn't you.

Good luck x

He clearly doesn’t give a shit about you or child. I’m not one to jump readily to LTB but in this case I think your life could only be enhanced by leaving.

Things need to change or you LTB because frankly everything you have written screams abuse to me.
If it is your relative you rent from explain the situation to them honestly as you have done here - you may find they are quite supportive.
If it is his relative you rent from - leave the bill to him.
Either way don't pay the bill, because things will just carry on as they are.
You've said writing it down makes you sound like a doormat. Except it doesn't. It makes HIM sound like the twat he is being by putting you in this position and being so controlling. People like this slowly change your ideas of normal to make a "new normal" for you. In that "new normal" you don't have money, independence, you are beholden to them, you need them and are unable to function day to day without them, they make you feel worthless, hopeless and demean you "why can't you manage on WTC and wages" because your fucking supporting him that's why!
The house buying account may well not exist or he may not have any intention of buying. He probably uses it as a carrot to dangle in front of you anytime you try to assert yourself.
Why does he pay when you eat out but not buy the food for home? I dare say he's keeping up appearances, he wants to pay for those so he appears to be the "big man".
I'm sorry but it screams abuse to me, and I think maybe you're starting to see it too because you know this situation is wrong.

Definitely don’t spend any money on his birthday. When family /friends ask about it tell them you had to pay the boiler. When someone ask why you have to pay that bill tell them.

Split all household bills (incl childcare costs and food) down the middle and let him know what his half comes to.

Also, evenings and weekends he needs to be doing half of the housework and childcare (not clear from your posts whether he does this).

At the very least you should work our every household expense including all DC costs and pay half each.

If would be much fairer if you paid a % based on how much you earn.

He needs to remember that he can only work full time and do 2 gym visits per day as you are working part time and looking after DCs when he is swanning about.

If he can’t agree to the minimum he can have my first ever LTB.

He is abusing you, at the very least financially.

Please dont keep this a secret, let his and your family know what's going on.

What sort of a father would leave his family to cope with a broken boiler while he goes off to have a lovely hot shower at the gym.

Even if he somehow wakes up to this and realises how disgusting he is, I can't see how such a marriage could be rescued.

This is not your fault. Please don't accept this behaviour, not for you and not for a helpless child.

Ltb. This is financial abuse.

So you pay all rent bills food and childcare yet you think you can’t manage? How did you come to that conclusion? Plus you get some benefits being single!!

Sorry OP but be sounds like a really shit husband. Spouses who love and respect their partners don’t treat them like that.

He is disgusting, refusing to contribute for a boiler for his family when he saves 40pc of his salary and you dont physically have the money. Absolutely disgusting. What does he give as the reasons for not paying towards the children's clothes or the bigger bills. If you wrote down all money in and out how can he say that its fair?

You might be better off financially than you think if you split? I dont know if you would qualify for any benefits eg more help with childcare. But youd have one less person to feed and using water etc, single person discount on council tax etc.

Am I reading this right op? He wants you to pay for the boiler? He sees it as your bill?

Why are you letting him treat you so very badly? How did this even start that you agreed to this?