To be beyond angry

[usernamestaken]

Hi, long, long time lurker but have never felt the need to post until now.

An unexpected expense has come up today, which needs sorting ASAP. And as my wages just about cover childcare and bills etc I asked 'd'h to pay this.

His first response was 'no'. And then he asked how everyone else seems to manage on a part time wage and wtc, so why can't I?! And then here is the best bit, he told me to pay my own bills!! This is a household expense, so certainly not something only I would benefit from.

I am so pissed off, I don't know if I'm over reacting or I have every right to be as angry as I am.

He sounds like a financially abusive asshole OP.
Tell him to buy his own card and cake

Also can you do some digging into where his savings are and how much? You would surely be entitled to a share if you split

Mentally, emotionally and financially you can't afford this twat.

Wow, I was expecting to be told by a few that iabu.

He doesn't do much around the house, but says that's because he works longer hours than I do. I work 10 mins from home and he has a long commute.

He does look after the dc every other Saturday when I work, but 9/10 the house is a tip when I get in. He takes them swimming on a Sunday, so I get a couple of hours to myself.

And then he asked how everyone else seems to manage on a part time wage and wtc, so why can't I?!

They get benefits which you are unable to get because of him and his wage. You would probably be better off without him, certainly in terms of his abuse

He's not a keeper, he sounds an absolute selfish twit.

Approach whichever relative owns the house and explain the position you are in. Re read your posts as if you are neutral, what would your advice be to someone who has a husband who is willing to forgo heating and hot water for his family in autumn until his part time partner can afford it because he's ok as he showers at the gym?

Use entitledto.co.uk and see what you are entitled to in your own right without him. He's currently got the best of both worlds, you pay the lions share of the bills which allow him his gym and minimal parenting. Forget his birthday give yourself back your independence and self esteem.

The kids can draw him a card on a folded over piece of paper.

He’s awful.

Another woman treated like a housemaid and willing to stump up more than her proportional share for the privilege

Baffling

Are you friendly with his family?
If you are I would be tempted to ring his mum in tears saying you don't know what to do as you have no heating or hot water and your partner won't pay to get the boiler fixed.

Yes the fact that you were expecting that I think shows that the control and abuse goes beyond the financial = because you are used to being seen as unreasonable and wanting too much

He does nothing around the house but you are so grateful that he does every other Saturday - what does that involve though

@HelenUrth I should call his brother and ask for a loan and tell him what I need it for and why. That would embarrass him, but he wouldn't be too happy with me.

I'm writing 2 lists; my monthly income and outgoings and then his. I'll leave it in his gym bag, and see what he's got to say. I don't have it in me to hash it out. He either makes me somehow believe I should be sorting it because he's saving for our future or I give in because I want the arguing to stop.

Well if you split up you’d get single occupancy council tax discount.
Lower food bill.
He’d have the kids every other weekend for contact and once during the week (unless he decides to abandon his children completely).
You could apply to CMS for child maintenance.
And possibly your tax credits would go up as he’s no longer contributing towards the household income.

He sounds awful. LTB?

He isn't your Partner, you happen to share a house and a child.

Yes the fact that you were expecting that I think shows that the control and abuse goes beyond the financial = because you are used to being seen as unreasonable and wanting too much. He stonewalls you I think as well.

He does nothing around the house but you are so grateful that he does every other Saturday - what does that involve though

the rent is a lot cheaper because we agreed to pay half towards all house repairs and costs.

What?! What if the roof needs major repairs, there’s a major leak etc? This could be thousands. This is a really precarious position to be in, even without the other stuff.

PPs are right.

Write down the costs of everything - I mean everything. Rent, bills, food, clothes for DC, you and him, toiletries, cleaning products, hair cuts, his car stuff, gym, whatever etc. Then add an amount to save for emergencies / deposit / things like boiler repairs.

Then figure out what’s fair based on how much more he earns than you. You should both be putting in the same percentage of your income really.

Or all money becomes joint except for say £150 a month each for random spending, everything else in joint current and savings accounts.

Tell him this is what’s happening or you’ll leave. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Even before we had kids, I had to stop working and became self employed - for a while DH covered all the bills and rent and I just covered food shops, I gradually chipped in more as I could. Just as when we first got together I earned much more than him and I paid much more in rent and bills. When my mum died, my inheritance went 100% into a deposit for a house which we own equally. I couldn’t live with someone like this, especially when we have a child.

@HelenUrth I should call his brother and ask for a loan and tell him what I need it for and why. That would embarrass him, but he wouldn't be too happy with me.

I'm writing 2 lists; my monthly income and outgoings and then his. I'll leave it in his gym bag, and see what he's got to say. I don't have it in me to hash it out. He either makes me somehow believe I should be sorting it because he's saving for our future or I give in because I want the arguing to stop.

He either makes me somehow believe I should be sorting it because he's saving for our future or I give in because I want the arguing to stop.

Please read this back, OP. Is this really the marriage you want? Is this really how you want to spend your life, tiptoeing around and important discussion because you can’t face going through this back and forth every time?

You'd get the £400 child maint, but you'd also get tax credits/universal credits, lower council tax, food etc. You'd find you'd prob be better off tbh.

That’s a good idea to write down all outgoings and his and your incomings at the top. Then maybe write who pays for each thing next to it. That should make it clear as day to him how unfair it is. I he’s still being a dick after that then tell him you’ll have to work full time and so he will be responsible for half the childcare and half of the housework.
Still a dick after that then fuck him off.

God he is awful. Youll never see that money
Op.

@Quartz2208 he does breakfast, lunch I sort the night before so he just reheats and just 'minds' dc. More often than not I wash up when I get in.

If we were to split he would make contact as awkward as possible for me. I doubt he would do weekends so I can work.

Fucking hell.

I'd divorce him immediately and take a huge chunk of the selfish arsehole's money.

That would embarrass him, but he wouldn't be too happy with me

He SHOULD be fucking embarrassed. And you're not exactly ecstatic with him, are you? Why are his feelings more important than yours? And his comfort more important than yours and his DC's?

He wants you to pay "your" bills - every bill should be split 50/50 in that circumstance except for individual things eg he uses the car all the time - then car costs should mostly be paid by him, gym fees are his. You rent office space, that's your cost etc

Childcare, food, utilities, rent, water, boiler repairs are all 50/50. See how much money you have left after splitting like that.