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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be beyond angry

178 replies

usernamestaken · 01/10/2019 21:20

Hi, long, long time lurker but have never felt the need to post until now.

An unexpected expense has come up today, which needs sorting ASAP. And as my wages just about cover childcare and bills etc I asked 'd'h to pay this.

His first response was 'no'. And then he asked how everyone else seems to manage on a part time wage and wtc, so why can't I?! And then here is the best bit, he told me to pay my own bills!! This is a household expense, so certainly not something only I would benefit from.

I am so pissed off, I don't know if I'm over reacting or I have every right to be as angry as I am.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 01/10/2019 23:06

What the fuck am I reading!! OP leave this useless user, you would be better off alone. Who's family member does the house belong to?

Mothership4two · 01/10/2019 23:07

You just got there before me @sheshootssheimplores!

caringcarer · 01/10/2019 23:08

So basically you are keeping you both and he keeps his money for himself. Ditch him as soon as you can. He will have to pay child support for his child and you will save on not having to pay his share of food and bills.

nicenewdusters · 01/10/2019 23:09

Just read your update. So he's punishing you for working to earn money to spend on things that should be split equally with him, or in fact that he should pay more for as he earns more. If he was a fictional character people would think he was too far fetched.

Perhaps he doesn't like the idea of you having your own money, working outside the home etc, as then you'd see just what a controlling desperately pathetic man he is. All the time he's keeping you in your place tied to the sink he can be the big provider - although of course only for himself.

nicenewdusters · 01/10/2019 23:16

Oh, and following on from your earlier point, please please don't buy or arrange anything for his birthday. Say you're taking his approach to money, only spending on bills and the dc, with the rest being kept for yourself, but you can't say where or how much. No discussion, no argument, don't even volunteer the information, just tell him if he asks whether you've bought him anything.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 01/10/2019 23:18

I hope this thread has helped you to open your eyes OP

AhNowTed · 01/10/2019 23:25

Honestly I think this is the 4th thread today whereby the OP has found themselves in a subordinate role to their alleged 'D'H.

Either SAHM with no access to joint funds, expected to pay half on a much reduced salary, or not 'allowed' to go out.

Sad
callmeadoctor · 01/10/2019 23:26

He sounds delightful!! Confused

Tonnerre · 01/10/2019 23:28

If you're supposed to pay your "own" bills, tell him that you therefore expect him to pay half the childcare costs, on the basis that your children are his as much as yours.

And if he thinks you should pay it because you chose to go back to work, ask him whether in that even he would be happy to pay all the rent and bills.

JudefromJersey · 01/10/2019 23:36

Do you actually like this —cunt— man, OP?

HelenUrth · 01/10/2019 23:40

OP, your statement "I should call his brother and ask for a loan and tell him what I need it for and why. That would embarrass him, but he wouldn't be too happy with me." speaks volumes.

He knows this is abusive.
I keep saying on MN that abuse thrives in secrecy.
For your abuse to stop, you need to start telling people in real life.
It will be hard, but imagine being you in 25 years time, looking back on your life if you don't deal with this now. You would regret it bitterly.
It's time to take your life back out of the hands of this disgrace of a man.

Transpeaked · 01/10/2019 23:46

That’s a LTB from me. Two abusive relationships under my belt. It won’t get better

katewhinesalot · 02/10/2019 00:09

You can't let him get away with this.
So he's punishing you for working.

VenusTiger · 02/10/2019 00:11

Don’t walk out until you’ve properly talked, and I don’t mean exchanging insults and lists.
When I first read your post, I was shocked at his attitude, but then you mentioned that he does in fact have a role in your kids life, and he is in fact saving for a deposit for a home. Be careful you don’t get wound up by all this LTB pitchforks... and talk first, decide after. He may have said what he said about the boiler, as he may be feeling under the strain himself... was it a brief chat?
Good luck.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 02/10/2019 00:22

I'm not going to repeat what others have said, sufficed to say he's a grade A cunt.
Something that no one else has said though, and it surprises me for MN and I usually think it's a bit far fetched, but..... He 'goes to the gym' twice a day, showers there and you can't account for 40% of his income, you think he saved it but you have no proof. Honestly, I'd be thinking; affair, gambling, drink/drugs if there are other signs of the latter.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 02/10/2019 00:23

@VenusTiger I'm just going to say it, are you from netmums?

MaPaSpa · 02/10/2019 00:42

@AnyFucker its astounding. I can't believe so many women are experiencing it and don't seem to notice until they write it out. bonkers

CalishataFolkart · 02/10/2019 01:52

But he thinks I should pay all childcare because I decided to go back to work.

So he’s got you properly stitched up. If you decided to be a SAHM you have no earnings and no financial independence.

If you go back to work, you have to cover the cost so you have no financial independence.

As for the boiler - if he is happy with no hot water because he showers at the gym, fine.
If he is happy for you to not have hot water, well, we already know he’s a dick.
If he’s happy for his children to not have hot water, he is absolutely showing his colours there.

finn1020 · 02/10/2019 02:34

OP this is just so wrong. If the circumstances were reversed would YOU be the one stashing the cash and letting him scrimp for every penny? Of course not. He doesn’t love you as this is not how you treat someone you care about. He’s also mean. If this was a friend of yours behaving this way would you think highly of them then? What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

SaireyDog · 02/10/2019 02:44

Ltb...

Jenny70 · 02/10/2019 02:58

You are letting him believe the children are YOUR expense, YOUR responsibility... so therefore you are paying for their food, clothes, hot water etc. This is not a puppy you bought against his wishes, these are HIS CHILDREN. At the moment you are not a family unit, it's a financial settlement where you have settled for less than you are worth.

You are saving him from full time childcare costs, cleaner costs, food costs, meal preparation/washing costs, house orgnanisation.... these you are paying out of your pocket or doing for this service for him for free. These save him money and give him the time to do his precious gym workouts... he should be appreciating this, not counting the pennies.

And I would definitely be speaking to the property owner, boiler replacement/fixing is more than property maintenance... it's part of the property fixture. If you left tomorrow, you can't take the boiler it will belong to house owner.

Fuzzywuzzywuzzy · 02/10/2019 03:12

@VenusTiger

You must be the OP's husband, to say that.

OP, listen up. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!

So listen to most people on here, especially those that have experienced the same financial abuse.

Leave him. Short term pain for long term gain.

Harriedharriet · 02/10/2019 03:31

I bet he owns the house.

Calculate the total costs per month.
EVERYTHING.
Divide in half.
That is what he pays or he moves out.
By months end.

He cares for HIS children when you work. If not, in the interests of fairness, you cannot care for his children when he works.

No discussion. No negotiation.

He has had it very good. Time for change.

(Hopefully he moves out).

Harriedharriet · 02/10/2019 03:34

LionelRichie - venustiger is surely a bloke.....Never heard such nonsense in my life! And I have heard a LOT of nonsense....

RainbowsAndGlitterAndUnicorns · 02/10/2019 03:45

Definitely abusive behaviour from him. The important thing is you know realise this and expect mire from him as a father and partner.

Cancel/return any gifts or birthday plans as you can't afford them. Do not put the lists in the gym bag, this gives him the option to ignore/avoid/delay. Be proactive & sit him down telling him things change or it's over

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