To be beyond angry

[usernamestaken]

Hi, long, long time lurker but have never felt the need to post until now.

An unexpected expense has come up today, which needs sorting ASAP. And as my wages just about cover childcare and bills etc I asked 'd'h to pay this.

His first response was 'no'. And then he asked how everyone else seems to manage on a part time wage and wtc, so why can't I?! And then here is the best bit, he told me to pay my own bills!! This is a household expense, so certainly not something only I would benefit from.

I am so pissed off, I don't know if I'm over reacting or I have every right to be as angry as I am.

If you keep separate accounts, then he should have been paying you to take care of his children. Now that you work part-time, he should be compensating you for the partial lost wages. Household work gets split 50-50 after work hours. So yes, working part-time you might do more housework, but that doesn’t absolve him of responsibility.

And I just have to rant a bit because we keep seeing this story again and again. How did the women behind my cohort get convinced that equality means they take all the responsibility and then suffer on what little wages they can earn with the bits of time left they can work?

I’m just going to quietly leave these here....

Benefits calculator
www.entitledto.co.uk

What to include in your safety packing list - gives you a list of useful documents to collect
www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

He is abusive and he is an arse hole. Get rid, you’ll be much happier

Last night he asked me where all my money had gone?! I lost it and told him I'm going to my mums until he pays for the boiler.

So I'm off work and the kids are off school. He called me earlier and said it getting sorted tonight.

I know there's a bigger fight than this ahead. I plan to try to get a hold of his phone tonight and see if I can get into his online banking. See if he has indeed been saving. This may be snooping but I don't care. Why should I have to watch every penny while he doesn't have a worry in the world?!

Where has all your money gone!? On propping up your share of the bills and children's expenses you ignorant twat!

Well done on taking a stand OP. I hope you manage to get stuff sorted...even if it's so you can save up to leave

My brother is exactly like this, dont know how SIL puts up with it, I wouldnt

Saving for the future?! The future is now and it's got a broken boiler.

Are you married? Let's see what contribution you will get from him when you've divorced his ass, eh? I bet it would be more than he "generously" gives now.

Read this again;

We don't have joint money, his choice.

He earns twice as much as me

I pay all bills and half towards the rent

After he's paid for his gym and all related costs, he's left with around 40% of his wage.

I know there's a bigger fight than this ahead. I plan to try to get a hold of his phone tonight and see if I can get into his online banking. See if he has indeed been saving. This may be snooping but I don't care. Why should I have to watch every penny while he doesn't have a worry in the world?!

Well done OP.
Get angry. Get informed. Get a solicitor.

You have been treated so massively unfairly, & a good solicitor will be able to unpick that for you, to ensure you get a reasonable settlement & decent maintenance going forward.

I am also highly suspicious of TWO gym visits a day, 40% of income hived off away from your sight, & no post to home address.
He likely has an OW, or some other sneakery going on.

At the very least, he is hiving off cash by financially abusing you.
A man who does not buy food for his own children, & will happily shower "at the gym" (at his OW's???) while his children have no hot water or heating is utterly contemptible.

Please tell your mum the truth of what is going on, & use your time staying with her to plan your escape.

Let's see what contribution you will get from him when you've divorced his ass, eh? I bet it would be more than he "generously" gives now.

Seconded.
OP will be better off financially AND emotionally without this horrible leech draining her.

08TwistedRose

Would you or have you ever challenged your brother on this? Does your SIL?

Sorry if you think I'm being nosey

This is absolute rubbish.
In any family you pool your salaries and pay jointly all the bills including emergency bills like this. Then split whatever is left between you.
Makes me wonder if he is doing any chores or childcare.
That's how relationships work otherwise it's not a proper relationship if one person is not prepared to contribute sensibly.
I'd leave tbh. You can probably claim some benefits to help.

Jesus he needs to start paying his way!!!

Last night he asked me where all my money had gone?!

Good grief, does he think you've got access to some sort of fortune? Or has he no idea what childcare, clothes and other household necessities cost?

Good on you OP.

You've taken a stand now don't back down.

OP, he has no intention of sharing his savings with you. I would make plans to leave but in the meantime stop doing anything for the twat. No meals, no food, no washing, no ironing, nothing.

The idea of leaving must seem daunting, but you and your children will be so much happier without him. He has no respect for you, and your children shouldn't see you put up with that. I can understand you wanting to give him a chance, but any change will be hard - gained, and short-lived.

Everything about him sounds dodgy and wrong. He doesn't appear to care about you one bit, I'm sorry to say.

My humble advice would be to leave, and ultimately realise how much richer life is when you're not being controlled by this duplicitous, selfish pig of a husband.

I doubt he has somebody else, the gym is a few minutes from our house and I have seen his car there many evenings if I'm popping over to the shops. He also uses another one closer to work.

He's just a selfish twat. This I've always known but never wanted to admit. I've decided to stay over at my mums until Sunday.

I know I shouldn't have to prove myself to him but I sent him a screen shot of my remaining balance and the last few bills I paid just to shut him up.

Jeez he's a twat. You should stay at your mum's for good. Is that an option?

Its the multitude of posts like this that makes me wonder why so many on MN have separate finances if you have a home and DC together why are finances judged as being the one thing that you don't share?

I would honestly do a complete spreadsheet where you break down every single cost, every bill, down to child care, food, council tax, car insurance, house insurance, electricity, Netflix payment, anything and everything. It really bloody adds up. He needs to see it in black and white.

@JaneyJimplin if It really came down to it my mum wouldn't turn me away but that would mean starting my business again and changing the dc school. That scares me.

I'd be more frightened to raise a son thinking this is how he should grow up to treat his future girlfriends/partners ... financially abusive.

I'd be more frightened to raise a daughter thinking it's normal to be treated in this way by a boyfriend/partner ... financially abused.

He's treating you with utter contempt. And keeping you trapped whilst doing it, or at least trying to. He wants you to feel like you can't leave! It suits him: he gets to say he has a children, while you do all the heavy lifting, slogging, and have zero disposable income or life for yourself while he carries on like a single guy and has loads of money.

Don't let your children grow up thinking this is ok. Plus, they may start treating you with contempt as well as they older if you stay ... they will mimic what they see.

Google Rosie Duffield.

This is just awful on so many levels. I can't comprehend how a man can treat his family like this.