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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my partner over his mum's will

303 replies

Cherrypea · 01/10/2019 18:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years and have 3 kids (my daughter, his son and a DD between us) When his dad died a few years ago his mum made a new will naming my partner and his sister as benefactories. I have asked him what would happen to his share of the money if he died before his mum and his answer is it'll probably go to the younger 2 children as we aren't married but if his sister died her share would go to her husband. This makes me so mad, he seems happy for myself and my older daughter to receive nothing and he won't ask his mum about it. My view is she could easily name me and my DD should be treated as her siblings are (although that's another saga) he should respect me enough to ask her about it.....

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 01/10/2019 18:57

That’s surely the point of marriage? Not the big day or the white dress, but to legally bind yourself to someone else that you’re committed to on all levels - including financially.

If you don’t want to get married, then what can anyone do for you?

PaperWhiteDaisy · 01/10/2019 18:57

Why would you or your daughter inherit from his mother directly? Neither of you are related to her

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 01/10/2019 18:58

Dh and I are married. If either of us dies before his parents/my mum the money he/I would have inherited goes in trust for the children until they are 25. I wouldn't expect anything different.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 01/10/2019 18:59

YABU. I would not expect an inheritance to be left to you and your older daughter in the circumstances you describe. Marriage does make a huge legal difference. There is nothing at all you can do about this. It’s his mum’s money. Not his. Let it go.

Grumpyunleashed · 01/10/2019 19:00

Op
Not being married at the time of death is a serious business. You could lose everything. Ie

  • You will not get widows pension / benefits from the state.
  • If your home is in his name and he does not have a proper will / protections your DP’s family will own what was his home. Not you. I also believe that if you share ownership then his half may pass to them depending on how it is registered.
  • If he has an occupational pension it might not pay you a widows / dependants benefit.
  • You may not have a right to any money in his bank accounts, once again it could go to his family.
  • Even if he has a proper will that explicitly leaves everything to you, as you are not married his estate will be be subject to inheritance tax. Ie the tax man gets 40% of everything over what I think is about £130K.

Needless to say, you might be the one who dies first, in which case he will have to deal with all the grief listed above.

It is vital to understand, anything less than marriage or civil partnership is legally worthless. There is no such thing in the eyes of the law as common law marriage unless you have some sort of legal contract setting out exact ownership of everything of value and even that will not protect you from IHT. I believe that if you are married then the IHT threshold is £1M.

I would suggest you get your own legal house in order.

Permanantlypuzzled · 01/10/2019 19:01

Only me and my solicitor know the contents of my will.
It’s no one else’s business until I die.
I discussed the contents with no one.
This thread illustrates the reason why.

Jesse70 · 01/10/2019 19:02

When someone with kids gets into a relationship with someone else I agree they should treat your kid the same as they would their own because they have chosen to have a relationship with u!
There family however did not why so people expect other people's families to take care of their kids ?
Also your partner won't get any money unless his mum dies so it's her money so surely if she wanted to go and spend it all it's her to do so
Why do u think you are entitled

SillyMoomin · 01/10/2019 19:02

Get married op

Stop being grabby

Applepea1 · 01/10/2019 19:06

It isn't about the money, it's about me feeling my partner thinking it's OK for me to be treated differently because we are not married. I should have made that clearer in my post. What I really want is to be treated like a member of the family, I wouldn't be different if we were married, still insecure me. My DD doesn't have any other family unfortunately and I don't want her to feel different to her siblings.

PositiveVibez · 01/10/2019 19:06

Arse. Handed. Plate.

LolaSmiles · 01/10/2019 19:07

So in a nutshell you want to be given legal status and protection of marriage without marriage?

You think your partner's mother should leave her son's inheritance to his partner (you), who would then pass the inheritance down to HER children and could disinherit their son's child (their grandchild) at any point?

A lot of adults don't marry later in life in order to protect their assets for their children's inheritance, specifically so a new spouse can't inherit and redirect all the parent's assets from their children. And very wise they are too

swingofthings · 01/10/2019 19:08

it's bad enough to read children talking about their parents will already counting the £££ due to come to them, but partners doing it? What a grabby attitude.

His mum's money is hers and hers only. If she wants to leave to her son, she can, to her two biological grand children, she can because it's HER money. What makes you think you should have any say over money that is nothing to do with you?

Tilltheendoftheline · 01/10/2019 19:09

@Applepea1 are you the OP?

You daughter is different. She isnt your partners biological child. She has another father and set of grandparents.

PortiaCastis · 01/10/2019 19:09

Hang on are you applepea or cherrypea OP

Userzzzzz · 01/10/2019 19:09

You are being unreasonable, not least because he is guessing so you don’t actually know. It is quite common for money to go direct to grandchildren instead of a spouse and quite proper when you think that the spouse could remarry and give it all to a new partner rather than the deceased’s children.

I think there is perhaps an argument to ask for the children to be treated equally if he has adopted your daughter and/or effectively been her father. Even they would be an uncomfortable chat though.

LolaSmiles · 01/10/2019 19:10

My DD doesn't have any other family unfortunately and I don't want her to feel different to her siblings.
Cross posted with this
The bottom line is your PARTNER chose to enter into a relationship with someone with children from a previous relationship. His family are under no obligation to draw up their finances and wills around this fact.
Unfortunately that is the reality, just like his son from a previous relationship has no entitlement to any inheritance from your parents.

Whilst it's sad DD has no other family, it's not reasonable to expect someone's wider family to fill a financial void by her own missing father and paternal family

saraclara · 01/10/2019 19:11

he should respect me enough to ask her about it

Good grief. Just listen to yourself. Its her money. It's not his to ask for on your behalf.

Greggers2017 · 01/10/2019 19:12

Why your DD? My elder DD and DS would not get the in laws inheritance , that would go to DSD and my youngest DD. My elder two would get inheritance from their dad and his side of the family.
Expecting the in laws to give inheritance to my elder two is like expecting my ex and his family to give to my youngest DD and DSD.

ltk · 01/10/2019 19:12

Why have you and your dp decided against marriage?

IronicalCallSign · 01/10/2019 19:13

it's about me feeling my partner thinking it's OK for me to be treated differently because we are not married

But marriage means something in legal terms. What is so hard to understand? Marriage is a legal contract where you say in a very powerful, tangible way: I give this other person legal rights and a claim on my assets... If your boyfriend isn't willing or hasn't done that, you are treated differently in a number of important legal ways, the previous posters have given examples.

Some people knowingly do not enter into such a marriage contract because they don't want to give a particular partner legal rights, and that's fine. It suits some.

But if it doesn't suit you, your problem is with your boyfriend... Nothing to do with mil's will.

Tilltheendoftheline · 01/10/2019 19:13

Its not for your partners mother to even it out, because you dd doesnt have grandparents.

This money isn't even your partners. Never mind yours.

PrestonNotHeston · 01/10/2019 19:13

Name change fail?

The thing is, even if you got married you still wouldn't be 'a member of the family' in the way you seem to want, ie, on a par with siblings. You'd be the spouse of a sibling. You wouldn't automatically be on the same level as your DH or his sister when it comes to inheritance.

Your DH has told you that he thinks any inheritance would go to his DS's spouse if he predeceased her, but it's far more likely that it would be held in trust/go straight to their children, if they were over an age specified in the will.

StinkyHouse85 · 01/10/2019 19:13

What I really want is to be treated like a member of the family

But you're not married so you're not member of the family Confused

I'm not a member of your DP's mother's family either, can I be annoyed that I'm not being treated like a member of the family too? I could really use the £££. It's not fair that she's only leaving it to her family and nothing to me. It's not fair that I would be treated differently if I were a member of her family

My DD doesn't have any other family unfortunately and I don't want her to feel different to her siblings.
But she is no relation to your DP's mum. She's not even a step-grandchild.

YABVU.

PrestonNotHeston · 01/10/2019 19:14

if your DS predeceased her DH, sorry.

Dyrne · 01/10/2019 19:14

OP I would be deeply disturbed if DP went into this level of detail about my parents’ will (Which will be the sum total of fuck all as my parents are gleefully spending it - as is their right).

I don’t have a clue what is in DP’s parents wills, and they have substantial assets. I assume they’ve split it between DP and his sister. The thought of them dying is actually quite upsetting - I couldn’t imagine my first thought being “What’s my payout?”

(Note - I do actually think it’s important to encourage parents/loved ones etc to make sure they have a will, to save heartache and aggravation. The contents of those wills, however, are no one’s business but the person in question!)

Again - if you’re upset that you’re being treated differently because you’re not married then you should get married. As it is you have no idea if that’s what your MIL actually thinks, as it’s all pure speculation on your DP’s part.