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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my partner over his mum's will

303 replies

Cherrypea · 01/10/2019 18:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years and have 3 kids (my daughter, his son and a DD between us) When his dad died a few years ago his mum made a new will naming my partner and his sister as benefactories. I have asked him what would happen to his share of the money if he died before his mum and his answer is it'll probably go to the younger 2 children as we aren't married but if his sister died her share would go to her husband. This makes me so mad, he seems happy for myself and my older daughter to receive nothing and he won't ask his mum about it. My view is she could easily name me and my DD should be treated as her siblings are (although that's another saga) he should respect me enough to ask her about it.....

OP posts:

myrtleWilson · 02/10/2019 22:06

Well colour me surprised as to how that all ended up swell for the OP and in double quick time - brilliant!

Frankley · 02/10/2019 22:13

Interesting, buddytheelf, my will says that if my daughter dies before me her share is divided between my son in law and their children. The children won't get the money until they are 25 and l like my son in law and feel he would use the money sensibly. Am now wondering about it, but think his input into my family has been very good.

lyralalala · 02/10/2019 22:31

Frankley my PIL’s will is the same if DH dies before them it comes to me. It’s really lovely of them to be so openly trusting.

Frankley · 02/10/2019 22:38

Also, my daughter has benefited greatly during their marriage from money that has been given to them by his father.

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 22:39

@Frankley so is your son in law to control the children's half until they reach 25 or is it in some kind of trust? I think some people might worry that he could remarry and then, if he dies, all your money could end up going to a second wife and family and your grandkids could miss out.

Of course not saying that your SIL would do this at all!!

Frankley · 02/10/2019 22:54

wheelson children's shares are in a trust.

TipToeToothFairy · 02/10/2019 22:55

You do know we can search your other posts?
It's great that your adult daughter who is no relation to you DP and his DM will inherit £660k from someone she isn't even related to should your DP die before his mother (who sounds very generous and gracious btw - especially given what you e posted about your DD previously)

LolaSmiles · 02/10/2019 23:08

Been with my dp almost 11 years. 1 child together one from past relationship but as far as we're all concerned is my partners.
Except they're not in law unless he adopts them and takes on legal responsibility.
Much as it's great your partner sees no difference, his family wouldn't be obliged to feel the same. You both chose this relationship, his extended family didn't.
Never even crossed my mind and to be honest more important things than money.
Said by people who aren't married but leave things to good will and trust, but find themselves bothered and annoyed when the law isn't the same as goodwill.
I think the mortgage would be covered by life insurance at his work and although we are not married and I am not on the mortgage hus family know I pay my share of it. I trust that the house would be mine to ensure stability for the children. Anything else I am not bothered about
See also paying money into a house you aren't on the deeds of.

Unless this is a wind up then it's a perfect example of someone thinking trust and goodwill will prevail over the law, documents of house ownership and lack of legally binding arrangements.

Marry or don't marry as is right for you, but at least make an informed decision

alexdgr8 · 02/10/2019 23:43

bit off the specific topic, but someone mentioned that insurance would ensure they could stay in house for children's stability.
but beware, if you are not married to your partner, although insurance may cover the outstanding mortgage, you would still be liable to pay Inheritance Tax on the estate.
so even if your partner makes you sole beneficiary, you may not be able to afford to stay in the house, despite inheriting it. esp in London, if you own property, you may well have in excess of £100K to pay to HMCR. There is no way around this except by being married. Spouses do not pay IHT on each other's estates.
some people do not realise this. there are other legal/financial benefits to be married also which need to be considered, esp where there are minor children to support.
this is why many people marry when they have children, to protect the children.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 03/10/2019 00:10

You remind me of my dad's widow who somehow assumed my DGM house would belong just for simply being married to my DF. When DF passed away and my DGM let her know this was not the case she took everything that was upstairs in their part of the house before vandalizing it by ripping out plug sockets, wallpaper, laminate flooring everything because my DGM let her know that she would not inherit anything off her

AIBU to be annoyed with my partner over his mum's will

Celticrose · 03/10/2019 00:28

So your DP's mother is going to leave some of her estate to your dd who is not a blood relation. I assume this is if your DP predeceases her. Wonder if she is dividing it in 3or leaving your dd just a few thousand. The grandchild who is not related to you might take umbrage at this and contest the will though this would hopefully have been pointed out by the solicitor. Also his mother your dp's ex might have something to say about her son receiving less inheritance. If your mil remarries her will becomes null and void I understand and would have to make a new one and who knows she might change her mind about leaving monies to your daughter.

Celticrose · 03/10/2019 00:31

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987

Wow that is one very angry and vindictive person. Though I would say she definitely had help to do that

Caucho · 03/10/2019 00:31

I know she says she doesn’t want to marry but if I was him I wouldn’t want to either 😂. It’s not about the money. Okay. I’ll wait for Kanye West to pop along with a ditty

TriciaH87 · 03/10/2019 04:43

His not made a will but after 11 years I know his family very well. His parents would never let the children their gran children be in that situation. Have enough evidence showing mortgage payments I make and will be added on when mortgage is next renewed in near future. Besides not everything is about money and I know what ever happens we will be OK.

edgeofheaven · 03/10/2019 06:24

Never in a million years would I expect PILs (DH and I are married) to leave me anything in their wills. If DH predeceases us I would hope they would make provisions for our DCs.

OP sorry but you must be very money hungry as you are stressing about an unlikely scenario - that your DH dies before his mum. How often does that happen? I think there is a reason you are not married and it's your DH protecting himself financially from your sticky fingers.

solandis · 03/10/2019 06:28

I'm not understanding why you feel you are entitled to this hypothetical money? You're not their child.

I also don't understand why you're angry at your partner for something his mum did. He doesn't control his mother, they're two separate people.

Nodancingshoes · 03/10/2019 06:52

I think you are being unreasonable. My father died before his mother. She immediately changed her will to leave his share to me and my sister and not my mum. I think this is normal. If my mum had remarried, the money may never have got to her grandchildren (it would have but I suppose she couldn't take the risk!) I don't know about the stepdaughter issue - how close is she to her step grandmother?

Tilltheendoftheline · 03/10/2019 07:10

@alexdgr8 that's an excellent point. I live in the yorkshire. My house is worth 85k. Now a chance my estate will reach inheritance tax.

That said dp wont get my house. Insurance will pay it off and it belongs to the kids. He does get the option to stay in the house. Though we may change that. I have a decent death in service that will set him up somewhere else. He would prefer the house to be sold and money in trust, that my brother will look after.

My entire estate will be around 200k.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 03/10/2019 07:11

I wouldn't expect my in-laws to leave me anything. Nor would I expect my parents to leave my husband anything (I don't expect them to leave me anything either to be honest!)

Now that you have the in-laws will all sorted make sure to get your own parents to change theirs to include your partner and his child. Make sure they get an equal share to your own kids.

And, track down your daughter's family. Get them to do the same.

Phimma · 03/10/2019 07:14

Surely her Will is just that, hers.

Why do you think you have a say in it?

lyralalala · 03/10/2019 08:04

They may have good intentions, but if their circumstances change they may not have any choice. With you not being married there will be IHT to pay, can they afford that without selling the house?

And if you get to a point where they inherit some of the estate (as intestacy rules will see the first part go to his children) what happens to you and the children if they can’t give you it? If they have dementia and can’t consent? Or have care needs and therefore can’t deprive themselves of capital? You are placing a lot of trust that people will do the right thing, and be in the situation to be able to do the right thing!

IdiotInDisguise · 03/10/2019 08:10

The problem here is not the money but the fact that he treat you as a wife for his own convenience, but as a lover when it comes to his money.

You are right to be annoyed, you are totally unprotected, your future is in your hands, so if you are not working already go and find a job that allows you to provide for your children and yourself single handedly because this guy is not going to be there for you if things go wrong, and if he dies you have nothing, apart of half of the lease or the house. You may even need to sell the house to pay his child the part of they deserve if he used all the inheritance money before he dies.

Ginger1982 · 03/10/2019 08:17

@IdiotInDisguise the OP doesn't want to get married so she is leaving herself vulnerable. Maybe her DP wants to get married.

WellButterMyArse · 03/10/2019 08:27

I'm no Kanye fan but I've got Golddigga playing in my head.

I dunno, refusing to marry the rich partner means you're not a very skilled gold digger!

MrsDimmond · 03/10/2019 09:23

I expect my DD to be treated fairly but maybe I am expecting to much after reading the comments.

OP if that is what you and your DP want, then your DP should have adopted your DD. I assumed that we were talking about a child as you and DP have only been together 10 years, but I realise now that she is a young adult so that is not an option now.

It is unrealistic to expect anyone (e.g. MIL) to treat your DD as if she was your DP's child, especially if she was already 8/9 years old when you met DP.

You and DP can make financial plans that treat each child the same - but even then it would be easy to argue that this is not fair There is no standard measure of fair and if there was MN would cease to function!

Your arguments are confused and probably driven by emotion, because the simple fact is that your DD's paternal family background is not the same as the other 2 DC's paternal family.

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