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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my partner over his mum's will

303 replies

Cherrypea · 01/10/2019 18:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years and have 3 kids (my daughter, his son and a DD between us) When his dad died a few years ago his mum made a new will naming my partner and his sister as benefactories. I have asked him what would happen to his share of the money if he died before his mum and his answer is it'll probably go to the younger 2 children as we aren't married but if his sister died her share would go to her husband. This makes me so mad, he seems happy for myself and my older daughter to receive nothing and he won't ask his mum about it. My view is she could easily name me and my DD should be treated as her siblings are (although that's another saga) he should respect me enough to ask her about it.....

OP posts:
GrapefruitGin · 02/10/2019 15:57

I don’t understanding why you’re relying on your partners mum to provide for your daughter?

Cloudyapples · 02/10/2019 16:03

If he died first then it’s still his mums money and she may well choose to rewrite her will so it goes directly to his children. Either way he would have no control on why happens to the money as if she’s not dead yet it’s not his money. No point being mad at him about someone else’s will!

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 16:06

OP you do realise if he splits with you before or after she dies, you have no right to that money, don't you.

This is why I dont believe it. Or think they are just telling you what you want to hear.

Theres a small chance your dp will die before his mum. IF that happens you have to hope she rewrites her will to include you and your dd. You also have to hope you and him havent split.

If she dies after him, it's still not legally your money. Even if you are with him, it's his money. If you are split, it's his money.

LolaSmiles · 02/10/2019 16:39

I expect my DD to be treated fairly but maybe I am expecting to much after reading the comments.
She isn't their grandchild.
I don't understand this whole wanting your DD to be treated fairly.
Your DD has you and your extended family and her father and his extended family.

Your DC with your partner have your extended family and your partner's extended family.

Just because your daughter hasn't got her paternal family rallying round doesn't mean the fair thing is to try to guilt others into doing so.
It is you and your partner who opted into a relationship and blended nuclear family with your children from previous relationships and children together. Wider family on both sides are under no obligation at all to arrange their financially affairs based on that.

Put it this way, would you be saying your daughter's father's family should be writing your partner's child from a previous relationship into their wills in the name of fairness? After all, it would be mean for him to get nothing from your exes family as it's not fair.

Idontwanttotalk · 02/10/2019 16:40

What Happens if a Beneficiary Dies Before the Testator?

If a beneficiary dies between the point when the Will was made and the death of the testator, under this scenario the beneficiary’s estate will usually have no benefit from the Will.

If the beneficiary has died before the testator, the benefit is said to have lapsed, although there are exceptions to this rule. The most common are where:

  1. "a gift in a Will to a child or remoter issue of the testator or testatrix (IHTM12001) will not lapse if the dead beneficiary leaves issue (children) who are alive at the testator’s death (in England & Wales, the Wills Act/ S33 as amended by the Administration of Justice Act 1982/ S19; in Northern Ireland, article 22 of the Wills and Administration Proceedings (NI) Order 1994). This does not apply where the gift is a life interest".

  2. "the testator or testatrix makes substitutory provisions in the Will. For example a gift to ‘such of my children as are alive at my death’ will clearly benefit surviving children and not the issue of any predeceasing child."

So, the OP's partner is correct in that, if he dies before his DM, his children who are alive when she dies will inherit instead of him.

I think this is absolutely fine. They are her blood relatives. The OP should not expect her DP's parent to provide for her child.

What would happen, OP, if you split up with your DP and he then perhaps got married. Subsequently he died and his DM was still alive. Would you expect your DD by another man to inherit money from an exP's DM?

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 16:47

"So I had to pop into work last night before I could talk to my partner again as I was going to say he shouldn't talk to his mum but he already had! All 3 kids will be equally provided for which is great. She was fine and agreed it's good to know so we can plan for the future.
Glad I provided some entertainment for you all!"

Wow, bet you're delighted that your daughter will get a piece of the four million pie, though I don't actually believe this happened without some major pushing from you.

NailsNeedDoing · 02/10/2019 17:12

How does this mean you can plan for the future? Are you planning to bury your dh under the patio or something?

You realise it's unlikely that she will actually outlive your husband right?

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 02/10/2019 17:17

@NailsNeedDoing picturing it now

lyralalala · 02/10/2019 17:34

How does this mean you can plan for the future?

Presumably she can now insist that her DH includes her DD equal to his children in his will on the basis that it is what his mum wanted...

thisisthetime · 02/10/2019 18:37

When dh’s uncle died before his dad his dad wrote him out of the will for this exact reason. His ex-wife was grabby and he didn’t want them to be entitled to anything. He left everything to his two remaining children.

yellowallpaper · 02/10/2019 19:14

Under the terms of all wills if one beneficiary dies before the will maker, then the money etc goes to the other beneficiaries. Nothing will go to you or any of your children or his children unless the will is written differently.

So his share would go to his sister, she would get everything.

Frankly it's nothing to do with you and it's not reasonable at all to ask your DP to pester his mother about the terms of her will. It's so difficult to talk about these things without looking to the parent that they are grabby (and May end up with nothing)

yellowallpaper · 02/10/2019 19:24

His children, whether with you or another woman would be entitled to his share, but it's more complicated to get as they were not named, but legally they should get his share after a lot of delay.

TheNoodlesIncident · 02/10/2019 19:34

This OP is the definition of crass. Aside from everything else, how outrageous to be annoyed with her partner over something he has no control over whatsoever.

And the phrase is "the love of money is the root of all evil". Definitely apt in this case...

TriciaH87 · 02/10/2019 19:39

Been with my dp almost 11 years. 1 child together one from past relationship but as far as we're all concerned is my partners. Never even crossed my mind and to be honest more important things than money. I think the mortgage would be covered by life insurance at his work and although we are not married and I am not on the mortgage hus family know I pay my share of it. I trust that the house would be mine to ensure stability for the children. Anything else I am not bothered about

summersherewishiwasnt · 02/10/2019 19:58

YABU massively so, marriage solves this issue.
What stands out is your attitude, you seem to think you are entitled to money from your partner’s mother. Furthermore, you think your child is too. You are wrong. As a parent myself I would not even consider leaving money to anyone other than my own relatives. I’m sorry , but think about what you are asking. Would you reduce the amount of your hard earned cash your children in your will in order to leave money for their future boyfriend??

Whenthereslovethereshope · 02/10/2019 20:10

My DH is the only biological child of his DP. My MIL had a DD (DH's half sister) before she married my DH's father. My FIL has adopted her though. But then when my FIL divorced my lovely MIL, first he had an affair with a woman who had a DD from previous relationship. FIL ended that relationship and then married a woman (who passed away 8 years ago) who had a son from a previous marriage. So my FIL has 4 children out of which only 1 my DH is his own biological child. Quite complicated.

So when he dies, his estate will be divided 4 ways. However, for my MIL, it will be divided of course, 2 ways between my DH and her DD (my DH's half sister).

I don't think OP is being entirely unreasonable on this. Also, I have 2 DSC. DH and I are planning to have one of our own as well. When we do come around to write up our wills, it will divided equally in all of our children.

I can understand if they don't want to include you (given you're not married) but your daughter should be part of it. I agree with one of the post here about treating your step child equally in all aspect is what is more important and fair.

You should talk with your DP. You have been together thick and through for 10 years. He has played an important role as a parent to your DD too. Leaving her out, how does that make him feel?

I do agree it is not something you should bring up with your MIL but you have every right to speak about this with your DP.

MrsDimmond · 02/10/2019 20:29

Whenthereslovethereshope your examples are completely different to the OP.
Your examples are of about people leaving money to their 'next 'generation'. Your FIL decided that he would treat his 2 'step' children children the same as his other 2 children. That's his prerogative. He chose the relationships. But they are all next generation relatonships of his choosing. Just as you and your DP have chosen your relationships with eachother's children

The OP is talking about her expectations of her MIL leaving money to a 'step' grandchild. This is a relationship over which the MIL had no choice. Totally different.

MrsDimmond · 02/10/2019 20:52

My DD has a step mother. My dd has never received as much as a Christmas card from SM's DM.

I think that's a bit miserable but really doesn't even register on the scale of things to worry about.

The idea that my ex woud speak to his DW and ask her if her DM is planning on treating his 3 DC (not children with his DW) the same as her biological grandchildren is ludicrous.

Whenthereslovethereshope · 02/10/2019 21:00

@MrsDimmond, aah I get you now when I read my post along with yours. Thank you for explaining it.

But I do find it heartbreaking that OP's DD won't get nothing at all. I can understand OP (as I had mentioned before) not being part of it but leaving a child out when other 2 are equally benefited, is unfair imo.

Beaverdam · 02/10/2019 21:03

I would not want my money going to partners at all. You are beung unreasonable. The mother wants to keep her money within her family.

MrsDimmond · 02/10/2019 21:07

Whenthereslovethereshope you're welcome, no worries.

The dilemma of how to make things "fair" in step / blended / complicated families features so often on here. Every situation is different and the reality is you can never make things either exactly the same nor can you make them equal.

In other families it is the ex's family that is going to leave money so it is the biological children who get 'less' .... Endless permutaions and combinations...

ASandwichNamedKevin · 02/10/2019 21:26

OMG I'm just amazed at the front of some people! Yes I mean you Cherrypea/Applepea.

I'm no Kanye fan but I've got Golddigga playing in my head.

It would be very kind of your partner's mother to leave anything to your daughter.
But I've seldom seen such brazen grabbiness as to ask her to provide for your daughter, and even more so for you.

Mammylamb · 02/10/2019 21:32

This is baffling and very grabby

We’ve been married 15 years. If
Unfortunately my husband died; and his parents died later, I wouldn’t expect them to even consider me in their wills (I love them both, but I’m not their child). I would hope that they would still include our son (their grandson) in their will, but it really wouldn’t be any of my business if they didn’t

Buddytheelf85 · 02/10/2019 21:45

Very odd.

I know that my parents have left their money to me or, if I’ve already died, to my children. They definitely haven’t left anything to my husband. Vice versa with his parents. Why on earth would they??

PuzzledObserver · 02/10/2019 22:03

@TriciaH87 I think the mortgage would be covered by life insurance at his work and although we are not married and I am not on the mortgage hus family know I pay my share of it. I trust that the house would be mine to ensure stability for the children.

You trust...... you do know you have no legal right to it, don’t you? Your name is not on the deeds and you are not married.

If your husband has made a will, the house will belong to whoever he has left it to. A sensible arrangement would be to leave it in trust for the children but with you having a life interest to live in it. If he has not made a will, the rules of intestacy apply. Not sure what this is in your case, but pretty sure you are not included.

You are trusting that your partner’s family would do the right thing by you. They might not... Or might change their minds once your DC leave home. You are vulnerable to becoming homeless if your DP dies. This is one of the reasons people get married.