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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my partner over his mum's will

303 replies

Cherrypea · 01/10/2019 18:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years and have 3 kids (my daughter, his son and a DD between us) When his dad died a few years ago his mum made a new will naming my partner and his sister as benefactories. I have asked him what would happen to his share of the money if he died before his mum and his answer is it'll probably go to the younger 2 children as we aren't married but if his sister died her share would go to her husband. This makes me so mad, he seems happy for myself and my older daughter to receive nothing and he won't ask his mum about it. My view is she could easily name me and my DD should be treated as her siblings are (although that's another saga) he should respect me enough to ask her about it.....

OP posts:

Kaykay06 · 02/10/2019 07:59

You say you want to be thought of as family. Family don’t talk about wills and expect money from parents before they’ve even died it’s ptetty horrible.

My mum v well off, but I couldn’t care less about her money I’d rather have her here alive and well we don’t talk about wills but I do know her wishes if she becomes ill etc.
I think If my partner brought all this up id wonder what his motives were and really it’s horrible so think again op, you’re making yourself sound grabby and not very nice, perhaps your partner is seeing that. You may not be but you need to think of another way to feel secure in your relationship/family.

betternamepending · 02/10/2019 08:01

What does your will look like OP? Have you included any potential boyfriends of your DD in case your DD dies?

CampingItUp · 02/10/2019 08:02

I’m fully part of the ILs family and vice versa. But if DH dies before MIL the money that she is leaving him goes to his (our) kids.

Same in my parent’s wills.

I do not expect my MIL to leave me money that I could then use to marry and house another man and bring up his child

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 02/10/2019 08:06

@user1474894224 I think there is a difference between making a stepchild feel included feeling like they are family who is loved and looking after blood relatives first. When my cousin stayed with us no matter what my mum made sure we were treated equally and always got the same things or things of equal value. Now if she comes to visit me and DP or I go to her she gives us both the same value in gifts etc to show while attached to me she sees him as a son. Now if she passes away tomorrow god forbid her inheritance will be mine because I am direct blood family. So while it is good to treat a step child like family and make them feel included at the end of the day people want to keep inheritance within the bloodline

WellButterMyArse · 02/10/2019 08:29

Also I think the distinction is that while you can and should treat bio and stepchildren equally in terms of things that are in your control like everyone having own bed, it simply isn't an option to expect other people to divide their assets in accordance with your preferences. Especially when the step grandchild here is already an adult. And I have never yet seen a post on here saying the mother of the stepchild should be treated the same as the children and stepchildren of the family!

HavelockVetinari · 02/10/2019 08:44

This is bonkers. Why would you DP's mother leave money to you? Surely if he died it would go to her two grandchildren, not you and your DD (who has her own grandparents to inherit from)?

I'd never leave money to my DS's partner or stepchildren, I'd want to protect the family interests as much as possible.

AiryFairyMum · 02/10/2019 08:48

Surely her priority would be helping her grandchildren?

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/10/2019 08:48

Yabvvvu

Wheelson · 02/10/2019 09:10

@minesagin37 my dad died before his mum. Accidents and illness do happen!

Kazzyhoward · 02/10/2019 09:18

It will depend on the EXACT wording in the Mum's will. If the OPs partner dies before his Mum, all the estate may go to the sister and nothing to even the partners' children. It's not automatic and needs to be written in the will as to what happens if a beneficiary dies first.

Even if the OP was married, it still wouldn't automatically go to her if her partner/husband died before his Mum. Even if married, Mum could still stipulate that the money would only go to her son and if he died first, to his 2 children.

I think the main thing is that the Mum knows what she's doing. It's HER wish to provide only for her son and his 2 children if she wishes.

I think what's more important is for the partner to write a will as it's more likely Mum will die before partner. The OP seems to be obsessing on the wrong thing here. She needs protection and to be named beneficiary in her partner's will, even more so that they're not married.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 02/10/2019 09:22

This is hilarious

HeronLanyon · 02/10/2019 09:28

I don’t think you are necessarily being grabby. If you are loved by and your dps mother then there might be an expectation on both sides that you would be provided for in those circs.
My late ma sat me and my sister down when she was considering rewriting her will for our views about a few things. I raised exactly this scenario and asked her to think about what would happen if I or siblings died before her and whether she wanted to provide for that in any way. Turns out she did do this and eg my dp was to inherit my share if I predecessors her etc. I didn’t !

However ‘family money’ is a concept which is viewed differently in all families - and of course many families don’t talk openly about wills etc.

Good luck op. You can’t and shouldn’t force anything. You are not being unreasonable in my eyes to have had those thoughts but you need to respect the family and your dp mil decisions about this.

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 09:36

Turns out she did do this and eg my dp was to inherit my share if I predecessors her etc. I didn’t !

Theres a huge problem with that.

Op could then decide to give money to her dd (who isnt related) and the child they have together and completely leave out her dp has with a different woman.

Passing money to a dh or dp instead iant always a good think.

Dp wont be inheriting my house. It's for MY kids. He has a son. If I left him my house, he could then leave it all to his own son, leaving my kids with nothing. I cant see him doing that, but I won't risk it. Or he could end up meeting and marrying someone else and she would get the house. Not a chance. I bought this house post divorce and no one will get ownership of it, other than my kids.

Dp will be getting my death in service benefit and some life insurance money.

Ops do could be insured to provide for her. No need to provide for her daughter as her daughter is an adult.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/10/2019 10:06

it'll probably go to the younger 2 children as we aren't married

Sorry, but I think this is perfectly fair. They are relatives of his DM; you and your first DD aren't.

This was also the reason my DD wasn't included in a trust fund set up by his parents before his dad died

I'm assuming this is the DD you had before meeting your currently partner? If so, does her biological father pay maintenance and provide for her? If so, your current DP's family would obviously not expect to have to include her in any future financial arrangements?

If you die before your parents, would you expect them to give a lump sum to your DP and his child, who they are not related to?

Sorry but I think YABU. I think you need to stop expecting to be given a slice of someone else's money.

iknowimcoming · 02/10/2019 11:26

I've been married to my dh for over 20 years and my ils treat me as a daughter, however if dh died before them I would expect ils to leave anything that was intended for him to our dc not me

Applepea1 · 02/10/2019 14:58

So I had to pop into work last night before I could talk to my partner again as I was going to say he shouldn't talk to his mum but he already had! All 3 kids will be equally provided for which is great. She was fine and agreed it's good to know so we can plan for the future.
Glad I provided some entertainment for you all!

CircleofWillis · 02/10/2019 15:05

What a kind woman. How sensible of her not to leave it to her son's partner. I know I would want my grandchildren and not a future partner of my son in law or daughter in law to benefit from my hard work if my daughter predecessors them.
(I don't have 4 million to leave behind so I doubt my will will incite much frothing.)

Justmuddlingalong · 02/10/2019 15:07

What a relief for you! unless that's what you're being told to shut you up?

Confusedbeetle · 02/10/2019 15:08

In fact most will state to whom the money goes if the son dies. Most will leave to the grandchildren. In my case it will be to the daughtet in law. It is really not your business unless mother chooses to tell you. If she has any sense she will spend it all before she dies

PandaAtTheZoo · 02/10/2019 15:11

Sorry OP but like others have said - you and your DD are not related to her. Why do you think you're entitled to her money?
Your Mil is entitled to leave it to whoever she wants. You are coming across as a bit grabby

insanemumof3 · 02/10/2019 15:11

you cant exactly expect someone to leave you money when they die when they arent related to them by blood or marriage. if they did it from the goodness of their heart thats great but you cant exactly 'demand' that you get some kind of part in it all because you think you should 😂

Justmuddlingalong · 02/10/2019 15:17

Will you be demanding to see the will, just to y'know, double check?

Tilltheendoftheline · 02/10/2019 15:24

cough sure that happened cough

Applepea1 · 02/10/2019 15:36

I am sorry if I have upset or offended anyone. Really it's not about the money, I get a bit crazy sometimes and I had a rant. I really don't feel like I have a claim on anything and don't want to cause any family issues. I expect my DD to be treated fairly but maybe I am expecting to much after reading the comments.

TheGoddessFrigg · 02/10/2019 15:50

*It's not about the money...."

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