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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the state of the house only my responsibility

169 replies

Haditnow · 30/09/2019 04:24

My husband has been working away for over a year. We have 2 girls (7&5) and I'm basically doing all the parenting on my own. He comes back every 2 or 3 weekends for 2or 3 days. When he's back he always finds fault with the house and then asks a third party ( friend or familymember) to confirm he is right about my being a slob which I find pretty upsetting and it also makes me angry as I am killing myself to keep kids happy, cook, clean and working too ( my salary pays mortgage, council tax, childcare,) and the house isn't actually that awful it just has the usual children stuff : shoes, toys, school bags etc. lying around
This blew up this weekend after a particularly rubbish week he decided to have a go about the porch. "Do we need all these shoes?" Why is this such mess then getting his mate to explain to me how to keep a tidy porch. I told him "this is upsetting me please don't do it, I'm working hard and the extras criticism doesn't help me and I find it very upsetting. Also you need to take some responsibility for your children's possessions and give me a frickin break I'm a single parent " He basically said well that's your problem, I think the house is a mess and you need to sort it. There are loads of other issues ( often the same story of behaviors - belittling me in front of others and our children) and we have been over the same ground with this multiple times. He almost apologised at the end and then said " I still think you need to sort out the porch " I nearly smashed the mug I was drinking from against the wall. It really feels like he has no empathy no matter how I explain what I have to do to get through 3 weeks on my own he just will not stop with the petty criticisms. Also he is from south america and wants us to move there for 2 years next year. I would be a stay at home mum. Red flag / alarm bells in my head about being financially dependent and stuck at home given his attitude. I'm genuinely thinking that divorce could be better than living with a bully. What are your thoughts

OP posts:
JohnLapsleyParlabane · 30/09/2019 04:29

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. What, exactly, is he bringing to the table if he's rarely there, unhelpful when he is there, and you are the breadwinner?
Whatever you do don't give up work and move continents to be with this man.

ShippingNews · 30/09/2019 04:43

And you are with this man why ?? What is he bringing to your marriage ? I'd think seriously about divorce - he sounds useless and annoying. You could do so much better.

Original poster
Haditnow · 30/09/2019 04:49

I'm really questioning why currently. He has always been a selfish person but it seems to have gotten worse since we had kids. He does love them and they adore him so that is the main reason to stay together. Divorce I know would be horrific. I've suggested counselling. We went once which was a start to get him to accept his behaviour did need looking at. After that visit then he couldn't be bothered

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 30/09/2019 04:50

I also don’t think this sounds like a happy relationship. I’d consider splitting with him.

ThriftyMcThrifty · 30/09/2019 04:53

I’d leave him. Your children must hate seeing him treat you like that. Leave him before they learn that’s what a marriage should look like.

Countrylifeornot · 30/09/2019 04:55

Where does his salary go?? Tell him that from now on he's paying the mortgage and use some of your salary for a cleaner.
Working away for weeks on end is only really workable if there is a very good renumeration package, otherwise what's the point!?
Or, just divorce the arse hole.

AnotherMonickerChange · 30/09/2019 04:59

Please don't move to SA with this man. I don't know the law, but I had a friend who separated in America and she lost her right to remain as a result and had to come back to the UK but her DC had to stay there.

Butchyrestingface · 30/09/2019 05:01

When he's back he always finds fault with the house and then asks a third party ( friend or familymember) to confirm he is right about my being a slob which I find pretty upsetting and it also makes me angry as I am killing myself to keep kids happy, cook, clean and working too ( my salary pays mortgage, council tax, childcare,

So what does he pay for?

I wouldn’t go to the grocery store with him, let alone SA. And whatever you decide re divorce, I’d also be keeping the kids passports under lock and key.

BlackCatSleeping · 30/09/2019 05:04

Yes, I agree, you would be mad to settle the kids in South America as you would end up trapped there. Another thing to consider is that if you divorce and he moves abroad he will probably get away with not paying you any child support, but it sounds like you are paying your own way anyway. Why do you think divorce would be so horrific? Because he’d be a dick about it?

Scattyhattie · 30/09/2019 05:08

Its awful to leave one partner to carry the family load & then have no appreciation of what they're giving up to enable their trips away. DH could've just pitched in to tidy to his standard but hasn't as guessing he sees it as wife work, hence the training rather than his shared adult responsibilities.

The criticism & belittling is all to keep your esteem knocked down & under his control, its bound to only get much worse with move when isolated & fully dependent on him. A LTB your already doing this single handed.

Original poster
Haditnow · 30/09/2019 05:10

His mother is very domineering and obsessed with our children. She would be funding the best possible lawyer to get her grandchildren. Don't really know how custody gets settled if he wanted to live in SA. I think that would be torture for the girls having to split their lives between 2 continents. Our eldest suffers from bad anxiety and relies on fixed / familiar routine alot. I have suffered anxiety over the years and I'm sure this would be used to against me to prove me unfit parent

OP posts:
Original poster
Haditnow · 30/09/2019 05:33

Thanks for all your responses. I feel alot less isolated being able to talk about this. I think I'm perhaps in denial about how bad things have gotten over the years.

OP posts:
Scattyhattie · 30/09/2019 05:37

Check out the freedom program as that describes those with abusive tendencies and how they often fall into types & follow same script of behaviours which you may recognise. It does say that with pregnancy the control/ abuse can ramp up.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

i noticed once out a few months out of the relationship how my anxiety reduced as I had been walking on eggshells & hypervigilant to his moods for so long I couldn't even see cause wasn't internal. It wasn't at abuse levels but certainly wasn't healthy. I did the course mainly as it showed me I could be susceptible to someone that is abusive & wanted to avoid early on.

prawnonthebarbie · 30/09/2019 05:38

I really doubt a judge is going to order that children be split over continents, or even give him 50/50 given the amount of time he actually spends with them. The kids might adore him but they barely know see him. His mum can pay all she wants, the courts will do what is in the children's best interests.

It doesn't seem like you get anything out of this relationship at all. I'd get some legal advice and work out how to divorce him.

Mermaidoutofwater · 30/09/2019 05:40

Unless your anxiety is so severe that you cannot function, no court is going to make children who only see their dad one weekend a month live with him full time.
He sees you as inferior and he thinks housework and child rearing are women’s work. This is unlikely to improve.

Fucket · 30/09/2019 05:41

I would be wary of letting you children visit South America, what happens if they are not allowed back in the plane? Nope I would be divorcing his arse and refusing to let them out of the country. He wants to see them he can continue living in this part of the world. Divorce him ow, this will never get better. You owe the man nothing.

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2019 05:42

He thinks it's your job to keep the house the way he thinks it should be despite him not being there most of the time. Don't move to south america, divorce him and let him go on his own

DownTownAbbey · 30/09/2019 05:56

Do not under any circumstances go to SA. That would be risky if your marriage was good but given that it sucks it would be lunacy.

See a solicitor for some legal advice. You have nothing to fear from your MIL but you need to hear that from a legal professional to believe it.

Your kids will see their dad if you divorce. You don't have to be made miserable staying married.

Scattyhattie · 30/09/2019 05:56

Abusive people also threaten custardy of the kids as a form of manipulation to get partner to fall back in line & stay put.

He could try to claim you to be unfit parent but he also choose to leave the kids solely in your care for most of the year while he left the country which wouldn't then fit the narrative nor would there being no evidence otherwise concerns would've been picked up by childrens schools/doctors etc.
Anxiety/depression is extremely common condition and most people visit Dr for help/medication and carry on functioning as they have to as best they can. Would be very severe to need intervention which would be documented.

pasturesgreen · 30/09/2019 05:57

Honestly, OP...why are you still with him? What does he add to your life? You're already on your own most of the time, must as well give the sexist prick his marching orders, and certainly do not move halfway round the world with him!

user1480880826 · 30/09/2019 06:04

Why does your husband work away so much? If you pay for everything what is his salary used for? He doesn’t appear to serve much purpose other than to make your life miserable.

CupoTeap · 30/09/2019 06:06

Yes it is ok to divorce him for this behaviour.

FreshwaterBay · 30/09/2019 06:07

Divorce him. South America is no place for you and your girls.

He is acting like a paying guest, so he might as well book into Travelodge every three weeks.

PapayaCoconut · 30/09/2019 06:07

People who think we have now reached gender equality need to read threads like this one. Of which there are hundreds.

Zoflorabore · 30/09/2019 06:18

Another one wondering what on earth he pays for op?

You’re a single parent already in everything but name. You can do this!

Don’t take any more shit from this misogynistic prick. You’re not his little woman who simply exists to keep house.
Remind him that you and your job are running a house, he’s not.

I hope you find the strength to realise that you and your dc deserve so much better Flowers