Is the state of the house only my responsibility

[Haditnow]

My husband has been working away for over a year. We have 2 girls (7&5) and I'm basically doing all the parenting on my own. He comes back every 2 or 3 weekends for 2or 3 days. When he's back he always finds fault with the house and then asks a third party ( friend or familymember) to confirm he is right about my being a slob which I find pretty upsetting and it also makes me angry as I am killing myself to keep kids happy, cook, clean and working too ( my salary pays mortgage, council tax, childcare,) and the house isn't actually that awful it just has the usual children stuff : shoes, toys, school bags etc. lying around
This blew up this weekend after a particularly rubbish week he decided to have a go about the porch. "Do we need all these shoes?" Why is this such mess then getting his mate to explain to me how to keep a tidy porch. I told him "this is upsetting me please don't do it, I'm working hard and the extras criticism doesn't help me and I find it very upsetting. Also you need to take some responsibility for your children's possessions and give me a frickin break I'm a single parent " He basically said well that's your problem, I think the house is a mess and you need to sort it. There are loads of other issues ( often the same story of behaviors - belittling me in front of others and our children) and we have been over the same ground with this multiple times. He almost apologised at the end and then said " I still think you need to sort out the porch " I nearly smashed the mug I was drinking from against the wall. It really feels like he has no empathy no matter how I explain what I have to do to get through 3 weeks on my own he just will not stop with the petty criticisms. Also he is from south america and wants us to move there for 2 years next year. I would be a stay at home mum. Red flag / alarm bells in my head about being financially dependent and stuck at home given his attitude. I'm genuinely thinking that divorce could be better than living with a bully. What are your thoughts

Just echoing everyone else - because your posts have given me the heebie-jeebies.

Do not go to SA. Do not let him take the girls to SA, even for a visit. Hide their passports.

Don't feel scared by MILs and expensive lawyers - I doubt there's a court in the land who would take children away from their mother and main carer, and give them to the father who works away and only sees them every 2-3 weekends.

He can have visitation rights to see the children in the UK - every 2-3 weekends as he does now.

Start making financial plans and seek legal advice on how to extricate yourself from this man.

Divorce him.

Issues like this broke up the marriage of a good friend of mine. Her exH took a job away, came back Fridays left Sunday night. He brought back his dirty washing for her to do, and even expected that she would cook his week’s meals for him and pack them up to take back to “his” flat.

Meanwhile she held down a full time job and got their 2 DC through A Levels.

She divorced the twat. He was quite surprised.

His income pays for our day to day living, his apartment and his flights home

But if he worked closer to home, you’d not need to pay for his separate living space or flights. Just commuting costs which would presumably be far lower.

All of the above, plus he's emotionally abusive.

Apart from a load of grief, I can't see what you or your DCs are getting from this marriage, OP. If he's that critical, I'm also wondering if his attitude is contributing to your daughter's anxiety.

I'd have a divorce petition waiting for him when he next returns home to criticise your housekeeping.

I would have buried this abusive twat underneath the porch before now along with his interfering mate!

You're already a single parent. You do everything for your children. You are there every day for them. Why not be the single parent without all the crap and abuse he brings into the house? There is no way any judge would give custody to a father who only sees them every third weekend. And how could he use your anxiety against you as an unfit mother when he is swanning off quite happily for weeks at a time leaving the kids with the supposedly unfit mother? No judge will buy that argument either.

MIL can be as obsessed as she likes with her grandchildren. She has no rights over them.

You may find once you have kicked him out both your and your daughter's anxiety lessens considerably. He certainly won't be helping it.

Don't move to South Africa. Don't let your kids go to South Africa either. If he wants to see them he can either stay in the UK or come to the UK to visit. Hide their passports in a safe place or give them to a trusted friend for safekeeping.

See a solicitor, get some good legal advice and then start divorce proceedings.

Another one who will tell you NOT TO MOVE TO SA. Hague convention is all about where children are habitually resident. If he's from Hague convention member country, he cannot just take the kids and move to that country without your permission. If you, however, move to SA and then decide to divorce, he will have very good chances of keeping the children there.

What do you actually get out of this relationship? It doesn't sound as though he contributes anything positive to your lives, be it financial or emotional. Humiliating you in front of someone else is beyond the pale.

Are you sure he doesn't have another relationship, or even family, in South America? Unfortunately more common than one would think, as a family member discovered when the other woman called the person listed as 'mum' in her husband's phone.

tell him to fuck off

Do NOT move to South America with him, that would be an absolute disaster. You need your job, it is your security for yourself and your DC. He is not a nice man, he’s treating you like utter garbage and your DC deserve better than having to witness this.

Leave him, you’re already basically a single parent so all it will mean is less hassle from that bastard.

Oh and staying together for the children is not a good idea. Growing up in a household where there is regular abuse can do untold damage to children's mental health and gives them a really skewed view of what is normal in relationships.

PS "Do we need all these shoes?" Yes you damn well do - all except HIS!

God, do NOT go anywhere with this man, certainly not another country. I'm so sorry to say this as this is my first LTB, but I really think you need to.

I've suggested counselling. We went once which was a start to get him to accept his behaviour did need looking at. After that visit then he couldn't be bothered

Probably because he was hearing too many home truths. Seriously - leave him.

He comes back every 2 or 3 weekends for 2or 3 days. When he's back he always finds fault with the house and then asks a third party ( friend or familymember) to confirm he is right about my being a slob

Just for this you would be justified in LTB. Who does that?

In any case, sit back and tell him to show you how it's done.

Best thing here is that you’ve had some experience living alone and you earn your own money.
My advice
Fuck him off.

Don't know about your finances of course, but in our household, mortgage and childcare is a bigger chunk than the day-to-day. So baiscally you do most of paying, almost all of the rest, and his contribution is to whine that the house is not kept to his standard.

Tell him to fuck off to his mummy.

OP most women who are in abusive relationships who are advised to leave say they can’t because accommodation is an almost insurmountable obstacle but you have a home you are currently paying ll the outgoings on. That is a huge plus for you and your DC. Your DC are able to stay in their home and locality etc. If you have too go to court for custody this will be hugely in your favour. Your anxious older DC needs to remain in familiar surroundings, maintain her friendships. If he wants access fight for him to have it in the UK.
If you fear he might abduct them have them made arcs of court. Unlikely he’ll try with older one but younger ones?
Good luck. You deserve better than you are getting from this self absorbed chauvinist

You're in a good position right now, you work and you have support in your own country, DO NOT give that up by moving to his country, you know this anyway, thankfully! I would be making plans to separate if I were you, you barely see the guy and when you do, instead of thanking you for keeping your house running and children looked after you he puts you down and criticizes you? Nah, fuck that

Maybe get a group of women round to kindly explain to him it's not 1950 and offer him some 'helpful advice'.

It's not just his behaviour that needs checking. Who are these friends of his who are comfortable getting involved telling you how to look after your house?! Just tell them how great it is they want a tidy porch because, until they lose their chauvinistic attitudes, that's exactly where they will be staying. Undermining you in front of others is not ok. Dont put up with it.

Don't really know how custody gets settled if he wanted to live in SA. I think that would be torture for the girls having to split their lives between 2 continents.
As someone else described, what normally happens re custody is that the children stay in their place of habitual residence and parents have to organise their lives around that. So if you went to SA for any extended time (something like 6 months or so), then that would likely be considered their place of habitual residence, in which case you would not be allowed to remove them from there to go back to the UK. Equally, if they have lived in the UK all their lives, your dh could not take them to another country without your permission. So if he wanted custody, he'd have to stay in the UK.

@ravenmum yep exactly why the OP needs to stay put (along with the fact she is independent in the UK and has support, just presuming it's the UK she's in now) I would actually wonder if her Dh (and maybe his mother) want the move just because of this actually, as an insurance policy of sorts?

Wow, he really does have the good life doesn’t he? Swans back in every 2 or 3 weeks and rather than appreciate the fact you keep everything together so he can pursue his career he puts you down. The fact he involves any one else is absolutely disgusting and I am shocked that anyone else would make comment or get involved.

The DC can still adore him and they will probably see him as much as they do now.

Does he do anything when he is back? Please tell me you didn’t sort out the porch?

You are pretty financially independent and you hold it all together now, so why would you want to stay and be unhappy? He sounds really horrible.

Why on earth do you pay all those bills?! And what does his salary go on?
I'd be looking into getting my finances in order, taking legal advice and filing for divorce. Definitely don't go to SA with him, you will have a miserable life. He sounds like a bully and you carry the family while he swans home and acts like a total arse.

Well the good thing is that you're pretty much set up to run the house and family without him. Definitely see a solicitor to see what you might expect in a divorce settlement. I doubt it would offer much disruption to you or you DC's lives once it's over. Wishing you luck and the strength to get through it.

You ask if divorce could be better than living with a bully, but what downsides could there possibly be? If you were no longer married to this man the only change to your life would be a lifting of the sense of dread you must surely get when he’s due home for the weekend. You already bear the full burden of family life on your own, so nothing will change there.

Your children already barely see their father. That won’t change at all.

Financially, he will need to pay child maintenance, so that will be a contribution to the day-to-day expenses he currently covers.

You can do this.