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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the state of the house only my responsibility

169 replies

Haditnow · 30/09/2019 04:24

My husband has been working away for over a year. We have 2 girls (7&5) and I'm basically doing all the parenting on my own. He comes back every 2 or 3 weekends for 2or 3 days. When he's back he always finds fault with the house and then asks a third party ( friend or familymember) to confirm he is right about my being a slob which I find pretty upsetting and it also makes me angry as I am killing myself to keep kids happy, cook, clean and working too ( my salary pays mortgage, council tax, childcare,) and the house isn't actually that awful it just has the usual children stuff : shoes, toys, school bags etc. lying around
This blew up this weekend after a particularly rubbish week he decided to have a go about the porch. "Do we need all these shoes?" Why is this such mess then getting his mate to explain to me how to keep a tidy porch. I told him "this is upsetting me please don't do it, I'm working hard and the extras criticism doesn't help me and I find it very upsetting. Also you need to take some responsibility for your children's possessions and give me a frickin break I'm a single parent " He basically said well that's your problem, I think the house is a mess and you need to sort it. There are loads of other issues ( often the same story of behaviors - belittling me in front of others and our children) and we have been over the same ground with this multiple times. He almost apologised at the end and then said " I still think you need to sort out the porch " I nearly smashed the mug I was drinking from against the wall. It really feels like he has no empathy no matter how I explain what I have to do to get through 3 weeks on my own he just will not stop with the petty criticisms. Also he is from south america and wants us to move there for 2 years next year. I would be a stay at home mum. Red flag / alarm bells in my head about being financially dependent and stuck at home given his attitude. I'm genuinely thinking that divorce could be better than living with a bully. What are your thoughts

OP posts:
saraclara · 30/09/2019 07:38

Is there anything at all that he pays for? What names are on the house deeds?

thelikelylass · 30/09/2019 07:38

Well you are a single parent anyway, he contributes very little to your life other than negativity. This resonates with me - I opened a bottle of champagne when I got my ex out of my house and haven't looked back. Please feel free to keep a bottle of champagne in your fridge.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 30/09/2019 07:39

I’d be hiding their passports with someone I trust.

RubbingHimSourly · 30/09/2019 07:39

Get some kallax for the porch.

Bin the husband, he sounds like a prick and doesn't seem to be contributing much financially or otherwise.

saraclara · 30/09/2019 07:40

Do not move to South America. Ask a friend to keep your children's passports safe for you, and then file for divorce.

fedup21 · 30/09/2019 07:41

What does he pay for??

chipsandgin · 30/09/2019 07:44

It sounds like your life would be happier without him in it. Also that he hasn’t got a clue about the reality of parenting. He doesn’t contribute anything (& would probably have to contribute more financially if you divorced anyway).

Definitely don’t move - get everything prepared - all your paperwork etc, see a solicitor, get a good understanding of your position (& reassurance about how he won’t get custody - which he really is unlikely to) & get rid of the massive dead weight you have there...then next time he flys on tell him you’d rather have a porch full of shoes than his patronising, critical presence in your life (& if he has any issue with that tell him ‘well that’s your problem’. Dick).

theWarOnPeace · 30/09/2019 07:45

Do not move to South America. Don’t even go on a trip there with the children while he’s being this much of a pig. Keep the passports safe.

If you answer some of the questions you’ll get some great advice on here.

WonderTweek · 30/09/2019 07:46

Oh gosh, that sounds awful. I would strongly recommend kicking him out. You deserve much better and sounds like you're already doing a brilliant job without him. Flowers

leckford · 30/09/2019 07:51

Unfortunately people from different cultures have different ideas about things like doing housework. I assume his mother does not work but is a housewife. Don’t whatever you do move to SA you will be totally trapped. You live in the U.K. with U.K. divorce laws get rid of the problem.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 30/09/2019 07:52

Please please please don't move overseas with this man.

MoonbeamBonnet · 30/09/2019 07:52

A judge will not order that they spend any time in SA. They are habitually resident in the UK and The Hague convention will keep it that way. 2 years in SA will change that. Do not go.

crispysausagerolls · 30/09/2019 07:53

He’s never there; he doesn’t help out around the house or with children; you are still working so he is not financially contributing enough to warrant this sort of cunty nonsense anyway. What the fuck. Humiliating you in front of others like that?! Please leave.

PEkithelp · 30/09/2019 07:58

Logically if this went to court, you are capable of being very much the sole carer. He sees less of the children than most divorced parents. I think he’d have a hard time trying for custody.

longwayoff · 30/09/2019 08:06

Are you a woman? Of course you are, as no man would ever ask this question but just look around for a woman to blame. Your husband is a pig. He'll always be a pig. Lose him if you can. The thought of his having custody is laughable. Save yourselves.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 30/09/2019 08:07

Another who says that you must leave this man. Where does all his money go is his squirreling it away in another country where you are not able to have access to it? Make sure that you have possession of ALL of the children’s passports, are they dual nationality?
I think that you realize that this is an abusive relationship do you children and yourself a favour and leave him. You and they deserve better,

Lowlandlucky · 30/09/2019 08:08

OP have you ever thought that her Father may be contributing to your Daughters anxiety ?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/09/2019 08:10

the kids adore him

If he really is a good father and has a strong bond with his children, that's great - he can still be a good father without having to be your partner.

But so often I see "the kids love him" as a reason to stay in an abusive relationship, and I would say that small kids are programmed to love their parents, regardless of how their parents behave. In fact, they are often more openly demonstrative and affectionate to an abusive parent than a non abusive one - they have picked up on the fact that the abusive parent needs to be appeased.

And tbh, it doesn't sound like he is a good father - it's impossible to be a good father if you are abusing that child's mother.

BeyondMyWits · 30/09/2019 08:10

Does he rock your world? (on average... we all have our off moments! Blush )

Can you see yourself growing old with him... after the children have gone their own ways? Do you see your future together stretching ahead pleasurably or do you dread it?

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 30/09/2019 08:10

Right now he sees his children 78 days a year at most. So they really wont miss much or see him less if you split. The only difference will be that you wont have to listen to his criticism.

In the meantime, re: the porch, tell him to use those two meaty lumps on the ends of his arms to sort it if it bothers him that much.

EssentialHummus · 30/09/2019 08:16

Jesus. So you work, are the primary breadwinner, raise the kids by yourself 80+% of the time, and he does.....?

I know this comment sometimes riles single parents but you really seem to be doing much of it already OP.

Don't go to SA with him, for all the reasons others stated. And please leave this piece of crap, you deserve better.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 30/09/2019 08:17

You’re right, he lacks empathy. I don’t think it’s a good idea to move to a different country and lose your independence either.

Brown76 · 30/09/2019 08:18

Please don't go. A friend of mine is still in South America because she's split from her partner but isn't allowed to take her children out of the country. It's very difficult, no family over there, hard for her to get work.

TheWernethWife · 30/09/2019 08:21

I would have told his friend to fuck off out of my house - cheeky twat

SnowsInWater · 30/09/2019 08:24

For God's sake don't move to SA with this man, his controlling behaviour is not ok and you will end up at risk of being stuck in SA if you end up separating while you are there as he will never agree to you taking the kids out of the country by yourself. I'm in Australia and regularly see overseas mum's forced to stay here as single parents with no family support because their Australian husbands won't agree to them taking the kids "home".