Is the state of the house only my responsibility

[Haditnow]

My husband has been working away for over a year. We have 2 girls (7&5) and I'm basically doing all the parenting on my own. He comes back every 2 or 3 weekends for 2or 3 days. When he's back he always finds fault with the house and then asks a third party ( friend or familymember) to confirm he is right about my being a slob which I find pretty upsetting and it also makes me angry as I am killing myself to keep kids happy, cook, clean and working too ( my salary pays mortgage, council tax, childcare,) and the house isn't actually that awful it just has the usual children stuff : shoes, toys, school bags etc. lying around
This blew up this weekend after a particularly rubbish week he decided to have a go about the porch. "Do we need all these shoes?" Why is this such mess then getting his mate to explain to me how to keep a tidy porch. I told him "this is upsetting me please don't do it, I'm working hard and the extras criticism doesn't help me and I find it very upsetting. Also you need to take some responsibility for your children's possessions and give me a frickin break I'm a single parent " He basically said well that's your problem, I think the house is a mess and you need to sort it. There are loads of other issues ( often the same story of behaviors - belittling me in front of others and our children) and we have been over the same ground with this multiple times. He almost apologised at the end and then said " I still think you need to sort out the porch " I nearly smashed the mug I was drinking from against the wall. It really feels like he has no empathy no matter how I explain what I have to do to get through 3 weeks on my own he just will not stop with the petty criticisms. Also he is from south america and wants us to move there for 2 years next year. I would be a stay at home mum. Red flag / alarm bells in my head about being financially dependent and stuck at home given his attitude. I'm genuinely thinking that divorce could be better than living with a bully. What are your thoughts

Whatever you decide to do about staying, do not go and live abroad in SA with this man. This must be your bottom line. I have friends who are trapped in loveless or abusive marriages abroad but they cannot leave now with the children.

OP how do you feel when he goes away? Do you look forward to it? And how do you feel when he comes home....dread it? If you feel how I imagine you do then the only option for you and you DC is to seperate, and agree with PP's, keep their passports somewhere safe where he cannot access them. You only get one life, do you really want to live it like this?

you said he was offered a job close by but declined because it was less money.

But all his money is going towards accomodation and flights.

So actually you would have been better off.

I agree with what others are saying - don't go to SA. Divorce him. The children will continue to see him when he is in the country - it wont make any difference to them, they only see him 50 days or so a year as it is.

You will be rid of an abusive bully who adds nothing to your life.

Divorce him. I don't even know why you're thinking twice.

Anxiety would never be used to take your kids away. No judge would take them and give them to a grandmother and their father to raise in possibly a different country when you have been the primary carer their whole lives and already pay mortgage/childcare/taxes well on your own.

What does he do with his salary? Maybe contributes to the other life he is obviously living elsewhere, with others. On no account leave the country with this man and your children, seek legal advice re separation.

Do not take the DCs to South America. You might have a lot of difficulty getting them back.

How would he feel about you critiquing, micromanaging and bringing in outside critics to put down his work?

Don't engage when he does this to you. Ignore his stupid friends. Go and do something else. If they follow you, announce you're going out for an hour while they have their catch-up and look after the DCs. Do it.

He sounds a nasty bully who sees you as staff.

Also he is from south america and wants us to move there for 2 years next year. I would be a stay at home mum. Red flag / alarm bells in my head about being financially dependent and stuck at home given his attitude. I'm genuinely thinking that divorce could be better than living with a bully. What are your thoughts

Listen to those alarm bells. Do not move to South America under ANY circumstances.
To be completely honest, I also think divorce would be better than living with him. He is bringing absolutely NOTHING to the table - apart from some money towards day-to-day expenses. You are paying for the most important things anyway - mortgage, bills etc. You might have to tighten your belt a bit if you were to divorce regarding paying for day-to-day expenses (I presume he is paying you some money towards food etc).
He is working away and turns up every three weeks where he seems to do nothing at all apart from hang around with friends and criticize the standard of your house-keeping. That's disgusting. You're being expected to bring up HIS children on your own, go to work to earn money to put a roof over HIS children's heads and pay bills and then keep the home perfect so that when HE swans in with HIS friends everything is exactly how HE wants it.
Get rid of HIM and things will be so much easier!

The shoe problem in the porch will also be solved when his shoes are gone.
Just get rid of him OP. You're on your own anyway apart from a few days a month where he decides to grace you with his presence. You'd be better off on your own.

Another one joining the chorus of kick him out. This will be an easy split - he has his own apartment, he doesn't pay the mortgage, he sees his kids for a weekend every few weeks - basically, living arrangements won't change! And no judge is going to order the kids shuttle back and forth between continents for a parent they barely see now.

Absolutely do not go to SA. I have lived in different countries there and it's wonderful but the culture is heavily weighted towards the man, very bureaucratic and often pretty corrupt also so you could absolutely end up very trapped there.

One other thing. I hate to say this and I could be wrong but infidelity (male) is very embedded and acceptable in Latin American culture (to the level that many family men go out together with girlfriends on the weekend openly insist that all men do this) . Particularly if a man is working away with his own apartment. I have to say I would be extremely surprised if this man is 100 percent faithful to you. That may also be a reason he wants to keep his current working arrangements.

One other thing. I hate to say this and I could be wrong but infidelity (male) is very embedded and acceptable in Latin American culture (to the level that many family men go out together with girlfriends on the weekend openly insist that all men do this) . Particularly if a man is working away with his own apartment. I have to say I would be extremely surprised if this man is 100 percent faithful to you. That may also be a reason he wants to keep his current working arrangements.

This also crossed my mind.

Please get rid of this awful man. He is not going to change. You have tried. His mother also sounds horrendous.

DO NOT under any circumstances go to SA. This would be utterly disastrous for you and the children.

You do everything already and pay nearly all the bills (assuming he pays something to family expenses)!

I suspect that your anxiety is made much worse by being married to him and I wonder if your 7 year old's anxiety is linked to his behaviour too. Seven is young to have severe anxiety.

Please listen to the advice on here and divorce him.

You would be mad to leave the UK OP. Stay here and preferably get a divorce. He is a total knob.

is income pays for our day to day living, his apartment and his flights home...

Why is his company not paying for his apartment and flights home? If its because he has taken a job based abroad for career benefits then he has clearly chosen to see his children once or twice a month to further his career with little benefit to anyone but himself. You on the other hand have managed to be both parents to your children and contribute to family income.

Do not, whatever you do, move out of the country with the children. I've known women do this and find themselves stuck in the country after divorce as the Hague Convention would not allow them to remove the children from their then country of residence.

OP, I'd leave this git, you and your DD will likely find your anxiety decreases as a result.

HIDE THE PASSPORTS. If his mother is as domineering as you believe, she may encourage your DH to take the DCs as soon as it becomes apparent that he can't just get what he wants.

I agree, do not go to South America with him to live or even for a holiday. In the event of a split, do not let your children go to South America for a visit. It will be very difficult and lengthy to get them back even if the country is part of The Hague convention. By which time the courts may decide over there the children are settled and should not return.

Keep the passports safe. Flag that he does not have permission to remove them from the country. He could easily live in SA and see the children as much as he does right now. And the bonus would be you would not have to see him at all.

Oh and I also meant to say, hell would freeze over before I let my anxious child change their environment and familiarity, which makes their life manageable. I do wonder if the anxiety would be lessened if mum and dad were divorced.

My XH used to do this. Worked away two weeks straight, then came home for one weekend, simply to criticise the state of the house. I was, apparently 'lazy'. I was bringing up five children, alone. He never asked about anything like school, potty training, was the youngest walking yet, just came home, flopped on the sofa and said 'this place needs a clean'. Then watched rugby stretched on the sofa all weekend, while I did his washing, ironed his shirts and packed his bag for him to leave me for another twelve day stretch.

I divorced him. He didn't care about the kids or me, he just wanted the status of being able to go home to 'family'. He had no appreciation of just how hard it was for me, and I suspect your DH is the same. He thinks you sit down all day, or do a 'little job'. I bet his mum had staff, did she, when he was growing up?

You need him out. It won't get better because he genuinely thinks that keeping a house is easy (after all, it's what 'staff' are paid a pittance to do) and you exist merely to facilitate his life.

Divorce get legal advice sort out paperwork.
If you want hire PI to suss out what he is really doing away from home if there anything negative then use it against him.
Agreed with poster from first page get all three of your passports out of house to a family/divource lawyer or a trusted family on your side your parents or siblings.
Get your ducks in a row.

so he's paying for "his" life and you're paying for the family.

I'm just another voice endorsing the good advice you've had. This marriage is not worth saving. Do not, whatever happens, allow him to take the DC to SA.

You need legal advice ASAP, I think many of us here are worried for you a bit more than usual with the issue of him being from overseas and likely to return there.

Whose name is the house in? Am I right in thinking he's gone away again now? In which case this is your time to get advice, urgently. Don't give him any hint of your plans and get all the passports out of the house; who could you trust to keep them?

Planning and timing OP. Protect yourself and your girls now.

Bloody hell OP this is horrible.

Normally on these threads I suggest talking to them about everything the woman does, trying to get them to see it from your point of view etc. But this is a step too far. He already knows you are unhappy but cant be bothered to go to counselling. He gets other people involved in his unreasonable petty rants, that's disrespectful, humiliating and rage inducing.

When he comes back he should be beyond grateful, thanking you profusely for taking care of the kids and house single handedly while he fucks off on his job that doesnt appear to make a profit after flights and accommodation. He should be asking what he can do to make things easier for you, and telling you to put your feet up while he blitzes the house etc.

He 'loves' his kids but not enough to get a job that is closer to them or pays any money, hes happy to leave them for 3 weeks at a time for no financial gain.

I think you have no choice but to leave. He diesnt respect you, he doesnt see this marriage as equal at all. And don't go anywhere even on holiday to SA and I wouldn't let the kids go either. I dont think he has their best interests at heart, since he is acting like a child and treating you like his parent I'd be worried he would leave them with his mum and not return them

LTB, seriously this is not worth you and your children's happiness and security. Lawyer up, leave passports with your family and register that they cannot be removed from the country without written permission. Do not go to SA, no, no, no.

He does not deserve you if he does not appreciate you and all you do.

LTB. And run for the proverbial hills. I'm serious, he sounds ghastly, a truly horrible sexist pig. Why are you even with him when he treats you like sh*t?
I highly doubt a family court would give part custody to him if he's in South America.

He has no respect for you.

He adds nothing but unhappiness to your life. Divorce him before he starts belittling the kids too.