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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the state of the house only my responsibility

169 replies

Haditnow · 30/09/2019 04:24

My husband has been working away for over a year. We have 2 girls (7&5) and I'm basically doing all the parenting on my own. He comes back every 2 or 3 weekends for 2or 3 days. When he's back he always finds fault with the house and then asks a third party ( friend or familymember) to confirm he is right about my being a slob which I find pretty upsetting and it also makes me angry as I am killing myself to keep kids happy, cook, clean and working too ( my salary pays mortgage, council tax, childcare,) and the house isn't actually that awful it just has the usual children stuff : shoes, toys, school bags etc. lying around
This blew up this weekend after a particularly rubbish week he decided to have a go about the porch. "Do we need all these shoes?" Why is this such mess then getting his mate to explain to me how to keep a tidy porch. I told him "this is upsetting me please don't do it, I'm working hard and the extras criticism doesn't help me and I find it very upsetting. Also you need to take some responsibility for your children's possessions and give me a frickin break I'm a single parent " He basically said well that's your problem, I think the house is a mess and you need to sort it. There are loads of other issues ( often the same story of behaviors - belittling me in front of others and our children) and we have been over the same ground with this multiple times. He almost apologised at the end and then said " I still think you need to sort out the porch " I nearly smashed the mug I was drinking from against the wall. It really feels like he has no empathy no matter how I explain what I have to do to get through 3 weeks on my own he just will not stop with the petty criticisms. Also he is from south america and wants us to move there for 2 years next year. I would be a stay at home mum. Red flag / alarm bells in my head about being financially dependent and stuck at home given his attitude. I'm genuinely thinking that divorce could be better than living with a bully. What are your thoughts

OP posts:
littlehappyhippo · 30/09/2019 06:31

@Haditnow

I very rarely say this lightly, but LTB. He is a useless lump of lard and your life would be better without him. You need him for literally nothing!

Same with your kids, they can do without him too. He is rarely there anyway, he doesn't contribute much financially, and he doesn't do anything practical in the house either. AND he gets other people to confirm that you're a shit housekeeper! Confused What a monumental cunt.

Carthage · 30/09/2019 06:34

Completely agree with PPs. What does this man bring to your life. Only negatives from the sound of it. I'd make sure you have hold of the children's passports OP. I wouldn't trust this man and his family.

GertieGumboyle · 30/09/2019 06:35

Another one adding to the chorus of do not move to SA.

And also adding to the chorus of his mum can spend what she likes, but no judge in any universe, never mind any continent, would agree to any kind of child arrangement order involving children travelling between continents to see a parent they only see once a month anyway. All that is taken into account in a divorce involving children is: what is best for the children? And this normally means maintaining the status quo for them, or as near to it as possible, given that their parents are separating.

Also adding to those who say that if he regarded your anxiety as so bad that you are an unfit parent, why is he leaving his daughters with you for weeks on end? I wouldn't worry about that for a single second...

itchyfinger · 30/09/2019 06:41

He works away from home most of the time but it's your salary that pays the mortgage and bills? Maybe tell him his salary needs to pay for a full time cleaner if he's that bothered. Or a divorce.

Kiwiinkits · 30/09/2019 06:42

Maybe the porch is a mess ?
Try the Kondo method
Then Kondo him out the door if you need to

Cherrysoup · 30/09/2019 06:45

Where does his mum live? Does she have the children to stay?
Don’t go to SA, that would be disastrous.
What is he contributing to your life and that of the children? Financially, emotionally, support wise? He seems pointless and just appears occasionally to upset you.

RippleEffects · 30/09/2019 06:50

If you divorce, your anxiety would be very difficult to be used to make you out as unfit when during the marriage you've been doing all the childcare and managing the home.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/09/2019 07:00

Is there any likelihood of him working in the U.K. close to home? If not, a divorce could have him back at weekends in an air bnb, or with a friend and having the girls for that entire weekend with Skype in between.

He’s awful. I wouldn’t even agree to visit South America if his mother is pushy and powerful.

Fatshedra · 30/09/2019 07:05

He is from a different culture. As he is never there he is unlikely to have a clue as to running a home with two DCs.
Your life would be simpler and unstressed without his visits looming over you.

LagunaBubbles · 30/09/2019 07:08

He does love them and they adore him so that is the main reason to stay together

Trust me staying in this awful relationship will expose your children far far more to the potential for emotional damage than separation.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/09/2019 07:09

Divorce does sound like the only reasonable option if he “can’t be bothered” to go to counseling (even if he can, to be honest, he doesn’t sound like he will improve).

Have you tried laying into him the moment he gets in the door on his 3 days at home - “Glad you’re back, I’ve worked out your half of the work to look after your kids for the next three weeks. You need to plan, shop for and batch cook 60 meals, do 10 loads of laundry of the girls’ clothes, attend 3 play dates, tidy up the lounge 5 times, vac the carpets twice, clean the windows once, clean the bathroom 5 times, spend 15 hours of quality time with each kid, settle 30 petty squabbles and 4 major rows, go over 15 lots of homework and do 15 lots of the school run. After that we can talk about your share of the maintenance work on the garden your children play in. Don’t sit down, I know I don’t when you’re not here.”

Quartz2208 · 30/09/2019 07:12

Please do leave this isn’t healthy for your girls at all to see
And don’t go to SA
Get him out now given what he contributes it shouldn’t be difficult

Missingsandraohingreys · 30/09/2019 07:13

What a cxxt
Let’s hope he takes Some even longer shifts away

Nasty man

Are there any positive aspects to
Him ? At least he is away a lot

Rotanicani · 30/09/2019 07:13

My dh is from another culture and has a tendency to say this.... but the big but is that after having it explained he does make efforts to change. He’s made big improvements, usually manages to stop mid sentence and has upped what he does hugely by picking areas he does not. Not perfect but we rub along as I can see his starting point, his efforts to change and his intention. Each year gets better.

Your DH on the other hand has the same starting point but is ingraining his behaviour. I meet DHs friends like this, DH also dislikes their behaviour and distances himself.

It sounds like he’s had the time and explanation to sort it out and he won’t l. At this point consider what you are getting? At best a bit of infrequent connection? Though your girls love him it’s not the best model for their future relationships is it

LadyMinerva · 30/09/2019 07:17

Sadly, you are teaching your daughters that this is how women should be treated. And it's not. If you were to divorce, yes they would feel hurt but, believe me they will get over it. And they will learn that women can, and should, stand up for themselves.

Smelborp · 30/09/2019 07:18

Fuck that for a relationship. You barely see him, he doesn’t contribute much financially (where does his money go?) and he criticises and gets others to join in. How dare he?

Not a chance in hell would I leave the country to live elsewhere with him. That would be a short route to being completely trapped. If your relationship broke down there, you may struggle to bring the children back to the UK.

If you split up, it may be worth seeing how contact would work. I would be pushing for it to be UK only contact and at a similar level to now (i.e hardly ever).

MerryDeath · 30/09/2019 07:18

what's he bringing to this relationship?? where is all his money going? my partner works away and as a result i am PT to make managing house and child more possible.. and we will be having a cleaner once our current period of renovations is over too! he is also (vaguely) helpful when he is home.

notapizzaeater · 30/09/2019 07:19

Bollocks to this, if he's only home very three weeks what gives him the right to criticise? Why does he only get home so infrequently? Where does his money go ? It sounds like even if the house was spotless he'd complain about something.

You are all worth so much more

LaurieMarlow · 30/09/2019 07:20

Jesus OP but he sounds like a total knob.

Divorce his sorry ass. Under no circumstances go anywhere near SA. No court in the land would even consider granting him custody of the kids so don’t worry about that. But if you go to SA you’ll be vulnerable.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 30/09/2019 07:26

As far as I can see the only thing that would change if you divorced him is that he would lose the chance to belittle you and complain about the state of the house. You are already living as a single parent! Does he really add anything positive to your life?

Durgasarrow · 30/09/2019 07:30

Oh nononono. He needs to pay for a housekeeper and a baby-sitter so you can have more time to relax and to pay his fair share of the chores. And stay out of South America with the kids!

IsobelRae23 · 30/09/2019 07:32

For the love of God, don’t move to another part of the world with him. If he’s like this here, what will he be like in his usual surroundings? Honestly what does he bring you and your girls? Apart from anxiety?

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 30/09/2019 07:33

Do not let the children go to SA at all. Youcannot trust this man. He does FA parenting, but don't doubt that he think he owns the children.

RandomMess · 30/09/2019 07:34

Do not move to SA, get the divorce started!

What does he contribute???

Thelistwizard · 30/09/2019 07:36

He’s only home 2-3 days, he should be bloody well helping you not jollying about with his mates.