Is the state of the house only my responsibility

[Haditnow]

My husband has been working away for over a year. We have 2 girls (7&5) and I'm basically doing all the parenting on my own. He comes back every 2 or 3 weekends for 2or 3 days. When he's back he always finds fault with the house and then asks a third party ( friend or familymember) to confirm he is right about my being a slob which I find pretty upsetting and it also makes me angry as I am killing myself to keep kids happy, cook, clean and working too ( my salary pays mortgage, council tax, childcare,) and the house isn't actually that awful it just has the usual children stuff : shoes, toys, school bags etc. lying around
This blew up this weekend after a particularly rubbish week he decided to have a go about the porch. "Do we need all these shoes?" Why is this such mess then getting his mate to explain to me how to keep a tidy porch. I told him "this is upsetting me please don't do it, I'm working hard and the extras criticism doesn't help me and I find it very upsetting. Also you need to take some responsibility for your children's possessions and give me a frickin break I'm a single parent " He basically said well that's your problem, I think the house is a mess and you need to sort it. There are loads of other issues ( often the same story of behaviors - belittling me in front of others and our children) and we have been over the same ground with this multiple times. He almost apologised at the end and then said " I still think you need to sort out the porch " I nearly smashed the mug I was drinking from against the wall. It really feels like he has no empathy no matter how I explain what I have to do to get through 3 weeks on my own he just will not stop with the petty criticisms. Also he is from south america and wants us to move there for 2 years next year. I would be a stay at home mum. Red flag / alarm bells in my head about being financially dependent and stuck at home given his attitude. I'm genuinely thinking that divorce could be better than living with a bully. What are your thoughts

Next time he's home, have a suitcase packed and announced as he crosses the doorstep that you're off for the weekend.

I'm also a frequently-single parent (husband seriously ill and regularly hospitalised) and if he said that to me the mug of coffee wouldn't get thrown at the wall, it'd get chucked straight at him.

He does love them and they adore him so that is the main reason to stay together

And together you are teaching your children that a man can abuse and bully a woman with impunity, and a woman has to take it - as well as doing all of the work in the home, and work outside it to support her family with no help from her spouse.

Please don't damage their lives like this,

A judge will not order that they spend any time in SA. They are habitually resident in the UK and The Hague convention will keep it that way. 2 years in SA will change that. Do not go.

Also THIS ^

DO NOT GO TO SA - your rights will be eroded, you will be trapped and the culture is even more misogynistic than it is here.

I rarely say LTB - but LTB, or rather pack his stuff and tell him to bugger off. Your life will be a misery if you stay with him

This man spends around 50 days a year with his children. He’s quite happy to leave them with no financial contribution and a Mum who he thinks has MH problems? Your anxiety will probably vanish once he’s out of your life. And even then your MH is NOT something he will be allowed to beat you around the head with. If he tries, well he’s not worried about leaving you in sole charge of the children for over 300 days a year, is he?
OP, you’re a convenient base for him when he needs to be back in the country. He’s probably got other women where he’s working.
He’s a twat and a nasty bully.
Is this the kind of man you want your daughters to end up with?
Please OP, get yourself to a solicitor when he goes away again and get the ball rolling regarding divorce. And get an STD check.

I'm genuinely thinking that divorce could be better than living with a bully.

I think you've just answered your own question. You do all the parenting, you're the breadwinner - what exactly is the point of him??
He sounds a like a weak, lazy, pathetic bully.

You say the dc will be devastated; but they will benefit from having a much happier mother and not being exposed to toxic arguing and their father putting you down all the time.

You may also find that your anxiety and your dc's anxiety magically improve when your h is out of the house.

I'd get a SHL and find out the legal position wrt your MIL if you think she will cause a stink. Sounds like her parenting may be partially responsilbe for your h's shitty attitude.

First off this man is awful please do not stay with him for the kids sake. Your kids will either learn it’s ok to be bullied or to be a bully as that’s what there father is.

Secondly to ensure you keep custody of your kids do NOT under any circumstances move to America and if you leave him HE leaves the family home. The resident parent has the majority of control in this country rightly or wrongly so the best thing you can do is change the locks, start divorce proceedings and stay with the kids in the family home. I work with family breakdown so please take this advice. If you show you are being reasonable, the children are well cared for and you are happy to make a custody arrangement that is in the best interest of the children no court in this country will go against that. Best interest of the kids could be in your case them staying mainly with you, him having them every 2nd weekend and FaceTiming etc them during the week whilst he works away. That will not differ to much from what they currently have so it would most likely be accepted by the courts. You hold the kids passports and have it logged if you they cannot leave the country.

On a slightly different note my kids shoes, school bags etc were constantly getting messy until I bought a large Ikea kallax unit and allocated them a box each. Kids put there own stuff away and get it out everyday saves me loads of hassle.

give me a frickin break I'm a single parent " He basically said well that's your problem, I think the house is a mess and you need to sort it. There are loads of other issues

You're right that divorce would be easier. The single thing you can do that would sort your issues is to get rid of him. For the love of God please don't move abroad and become dependent on him! He can pay cms and play Disney dad and adore his kids in a different building for the one weekend in three that he's around.

Keep the children's passports out of his reach. Don't go to SA with him. Protect your assets and start divorce proceedings. Good luck.

Oh my I rarely say this but in this case I'd LTB. You are almost a single parent already. He has no empathy/gratitude for your hard work when he is away.

It's probably that he gets used to a child-free ie tidy environment when he's away but you know what kids come with "stuff" and it's their home not a museum/hotel. He doesn't deserve you

My DH commented and started to rant about the kids mess over the weekend. I told him if he didn’t like it either sort it himself or move out.
I told him instead of focusing on what I don’t do, focus on what I actually do.
I pointed out he’d actually be fucked if something happened to me as he wouldn’t have a clue how to pay for school meals, kids activities, where to take them etc.
He soon shut up.

I’d have probably smashed that mug across his head. If my DH was working a way and dared to criticise I’d have packed his shit and changed the locks.

He's not helping out around the house when he's around. Dealbreaker.

He's criticising you for not being 100% on top of everything when his work basically leaves you in the situation of a single parent. Not just a dealbreaker but sign that he is a massive bellend.

You really need to think carefully whether this relationship has a future OP. Because it sounds like you're stuck doing all the drudgery, while he carps and criticises from the sidelines. You might well find that, in the event of a divorce, you actually have a much nicer life without losing much in the way of standard of living.

Whatever you do, do not entertain moving out of the U.K. Being sceptical it sounds as though he might be laying the ground work to move you and DC somewhere he has a much better understanding of his legal rights and where his mother will conveniently be able to look after the children so he can get custody. I live abroad, custody rules are very different outside of the U.K. I have also lived in Central America where once you are resident, you need the permission of the other parent for one parent to travel outside of the country with the children. YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE WITH YOUR CHILDREN WITHOUT YOUR HUSBANDS WRITTEN, NOTARISED AND FINGER PRINTED PERMISSION if the country you move to has similar rules.

So many people are dependent on their OH financially and that is the biggest hurdle to overcome when looking to escape. You are already self reliant so that’s one less hurdle to deal with. Your DC will cope if you split up however you may not continue to cope if you stay together.

I think living with this any longer is more horrific than divorce. Your self-esteem and mental and physical health are really suffering. Please think about yourself, you deserve better than this.

So, you pay for everything and do all the work, but what does he do?
Works away? Where?
Sounds like he has a second family...

Definitely hide the kids passports.

What does he pay for if you pay the mortgage and council tax?

He sounds horrible.

I would definitely get rid of him and in the meantime, if you have joint money, get a cleaning team in to blitz the house to save on the next argument. Then I would go away for the weekend he is due back.

Long story as regards his work but he is pretty much doing it to pursue his career and did have a job offer but for less money closer to home recently which he declined. His income pays for our day to day living, his apartment and his flights home... I think most of your comments reflect my inner fears about what is going on and what moving would mean. Feel overall things are not good.

You know the answer and from what we reading it's clear to all this is no 'marriage'. You sound utterly miserable but you have the chance of an amazing future, just not with him!

I very rarely think that (barring abuse, obviously) marriages are unsalvageable, and I generally think that people on here are far too quick to default to LTB for the most ridiculous reasons, but in your case I don’t see the point of even bothering to try and save your marriage.

You obviously manage perfectly well on your own already, and the only thing you would be removing from yours and your childrens’ lives is the stress of having him come home and bully you. You already manage financially, so that wouldn’t change either. Do yourself a favour; just tell him not to bother coming back next time he’s due home.

As a matter of interest @Haditnow, does he have another wife and family who he lives with when he’s not with you? Is that where his salary goes?

Feel overall things are not good.

I think that's the understatement of the year.

@AnotherMonickerChange it can happen in European countries as well even if both parents have a right to reside. I think it's due to the fact that the children become ordinary resident of the country so it's not in their best interests to move them.

OP stay in the UK. You know the ropes here.

If he wants to move to SA then tell him to crack on as you and your children are not going plus you will be divorcing him. Also make it clear you and the children are not going on holiday with him to SA. I would suggest you get yours and your children's passports and store them outside your home with another relation for safe keeping.

Bickering over house things is annoying but not unusual, especially with the long distance, so I wouldn't stress that.

But getting other people involved to tell you how wrong/ stupid you are is a really big problem. What a prick.

The fact that he works away means you are Primary Carer so it’s unlikely he will get a 50/50 split for access to the children.
He seems to bring nothing to your marriage so get rid of him.

OP, I rarely say LTB when I read threads, but I am going to say it now. Your DH doesn't appear to bring you any happiness. The DC barely see him anyway.

If he is away that much, then when he is home, he should be spending time with you and the DC, even if that is all tidying up the porch together because you don't have any time as a working almost single parent.

As so many have said, do not under any circumstances leave the country, as that could mean being trapped or losing your DC.

He doesn't want family life, he wants the single life. I would be giving him an ultimatum, go back to counselling, help out at the weekend, or its time for a divorce.

and yes, as suggested, get a trusted family member to keep the passports safe for you.

I cannot think of any reason to keep a man like this in your life. Don't leave the country with him, even on a day trip. I would be moving house while he's working away and despatching his belongings back to his mum. He doesn't bring joy.

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