Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is the state of the house only my responsibility

169 replies

Haditnow · 30/09/2019 04:24

My husband has been working away for over a year. We have 2 girls (7&5) and I'm basically doing all the parenting on my own. He comes back every 2 or 3 weekends for 2or 3 days. When he's back he always finds fault with the house and then asks a third party ( friend or familymember) to confirm he is right about my being a slob which I find pretty upsetting and it also makes me angry as I am killing myself to keep kids happy, cook, clean and working too ( my salary pays mortgage, council tax, childcare,) and the house isn't actually that awful it just has the usual children stuff : shoes, toys, school bags etc. lying around
This blew up this weekend after a particularly rubbish week he decided to have a go about the porch. "Do we need all these shoes?" Why is this such mess then getting his mate to explain to me how to keep a tidy porch. I told him "this is upsetting me please don't do it, I'm working hard and the extras criticism doesn't help me and I find it very upsetting. Also you need to take some responsibility for your children's possessions and give me a frickin break I'm a single parent " He basically said well that's your problem, I think the house is a mess and you need to sort it. There are loads of other issues ( often the same story of behaviors - belittling me in front of others and our children) and we have been over the same ground with this multiple times. He almost apologised at the end and then said " I still think you need to sort out the porch " I nearly smashed the mug I was drinking from against the wall. It really feels like he has no empathy no matter how I explain what I have to do to get through 3 weeks on my own he just will not stop with the petty criticisms. Also he is from south america and wants us to move there for 2 years next year. I would be a stay at home mum. Red flag / alarm bells in my head about being financially dependent and stuck at home given his attitude. I'm genuinely thinking that divorce could be better than living with a bully. What are your thoughts

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/09/2019 12:11

his income pays for our day to day living

He will be ordered by the court to pay towards his children anyway - and even if he refuses to step up to his responsibilities, you will learn to cut your coat according to your cloth and will develop ways to economise - and you will manage!

I promise you, you WILL manage. And you won't have your self-confidence constantly eroded and undermined by some twat who comes home for a shag, humiliates you in front of his friends (friend also sounds a right arse!) and upsets your routines with your children before he effs off again to do the things HE wants to do, unencumbered.

(I'll bet he's not celibate when he's away, either - just a guess, but I betI'm right)

lottiegarbanzo · 30/09/2019 12:18

Do these family members, who are so keen to collude in his criticism of you, ever offer to help? Do they see the DC while he's away?

EKGEMS · 30/09/2019 12:19

I'd have fed him to the gators in a swamp and had his friend row the canoe

KatharinaRosalie · 30/09/2019 12:21

Oh and if he thinks the porch could do with some sorting, how about he does it then? Considering he does nothing else for the household for the rest of the time.

Straycatstrut · 30/09/2019 12:44

Wow. Let him have a single weekend looking after a 7 & 5 year old and see how much he gets done. And I don't just mean palming them off on devices. Sorting all their meals, making sure they brush teeth, get dressed properly, have a bath, plan their meals, cook them and clean up after them. Sort their homework.

I do it all as a single mum OP (mine are 7 and 3) I do all weekends. All holidays. I run myself ragged & neglect my own needs to keep the house clean on top of it, and the only reason it's not a TIP is because I am EXTREMELY strict on how much kids crap clutter I buy after having to spend £300 on a skip and make constant trips to the tip for 7 years in the other house.

Aprillygirl · 30/09/2019 12:44

This is no marriage. He basically comes back every few weeks to check you're keeping the house to his satisfaction, the house that you fucking pay for. That's bad enough, but him bringing in his friends and family to show you how things should be done is outrageously demeaning and bullyish behaviour. Fuck that shit. Tell him that as you're such a crap housekeeper he will just need to get a job closer to home so that he can do all the housework and childcare, the cheeky twat.

Straycatstrut · 30/09/2019 12:45

Ha! "cook them"...no maybe don't do that..... Grin

Cook FOR them a healthy balance meal. Make them eat it! yeah that's a laugh and a half.

glitterfarts · 30/09/2019 12:48

You already do everything and pay for almost everything. Divorce asap.
Do not move to SA with an abusive prick. You already know what you need to do, you're just seeking confirmation here. Leaving him won't affect the kids - he's already gone.

Divorcing will just keep his terror and anxiety inducing nit-picking out of your and the kids home.

rebecca102 · 30/09/2019 13:03

DO NOT MOVE!!!

billy1966 · 30/09/2019 13:51

OP

Get yours and children's passports out of the house into a safe place.

Start a new bank account in the children's names and put money into it as a setting up a new home fund.

Organise yourself to get out.
Seek legal advice.

Dump his ass.
He sounds like a complete bullying pig.

You need to move on.

Do not under any circumstances give up your job and move.

ShadowOnTheSun · 30/09/2019 13:51

He's a dick of the highest order. Divorce him.

And please please please OP, under no circumstances, for your kids' and your own safety, DO NOT move to South America. Whatever he promises, however nice he pretends to be, however hard he tries to fool you into thinking he's changed or applies pressure on you, just DO NOT move.

Notcontent · 30/09/2019 14:09

I have not had time to read the whole thread, but just wanted to echo what others have said: DO NOT go and live in South America with him. If you do, I am 99% certain you will NOT be allowed to come back to the UK with your children, unless he gives his permission.

Transpeaked · 30/09/2019 14:09

Yup - that’s a LTB from me. Way, way, WAY too many red flags and if you settle for a while in Soyth America you run a big risk if you ending up having to come home without your children, and given the fact that he’s acting very much King if the Castle and sees you as the unpaid help (because he does) imagine what may happen when he tired of you standing up for yourself and your dependent on him in his country.

Run.

Transpeaked · 30/09/2019 14:14

Oh, and be prepare for the possibility of him jumping ship and refusing to engage with UK courts whilst starting his own custody case in his home country whilst demanding that you send your kids on holiday to him. This will do two things for him: a) no engagement with the UK courts jeans no child maintenance - sure you can get an order from over here but good luck enforcing it eithiut him having engaged and b) he can continue to try his luck and wear you down. Been there, done that and my abuser sold his sob story to the social services once I eventually broke down. I now haven’t seen nor spoken to my child in 2 years.

SittingAround1 · 30/09/2019 14:24

I have a friend who got divorced and the international question came up in court (different circumstances). The judge ruled that the child should stay in their country of habitual residence, where they were living and couldn't be taken out of the country without the permission of BOTH parents.
There is no way it would be ruled that your DC would have to split their time between the UK and SA. The father would have to organise to see them in the UK.

Your mother-in-law would have no claim to the children, no matter how good her lawyer was.

DO NOT move to SA.

Lweji · 30/09/2019 14:48

At best (or worst) he would be able to take them on holiday to SAm with him. But, as others said, he'd probably need your permission to take them out of the country anyway, and I wouldn't give it if I thought there was even the slightest inclination for him not to return them.

NearlyGranny · 30/09/2019 16:32

Do your DDs have their own passports? I'd get them those and lock them away so he can't decide to take them out of the country on one of his trips home. If they're old enough for phones, get them those, too, and out your number on speed dial just in case.

Other than that, you need to develop a strategy for letting his negative comments run off your back so you aren't rising to them and wasting emotional energy defending yourself unnecessarily.

Next time he comes home, why not just say, "That topic is tired. Let's talk about something positive instead," and give him news of DD's successes or your work triumphs? Repeat every time he tries to raise it.

If someone gets imported to lecture you, 🙄 you could kindly tell them that, while your DH may have asked their opinion, you haven't, so you won't be discussing it with them, but would they like a cup of tea since they're here?

I think that people pleasers generally - and I'm one - are far too ready to let others control the conversation and that we can feel it's rude not to listen or engage.

We need to be ready to turn our backs on relentless negativity, shrug and move on.

Do you think it might be territorial behaviour on his part? He's come home so needs to stamp his authority on the home to show who's in charge? He could just go outside and scent-mark a tree or two instead!

Knittedfairies · 30/09/2019 16:39

Maybe your porch is untidy. I suggest you de-clutter it and throw out anything that doesn't give you joy, starting with your husband. Get some proper legal advice pertinent to your situation; good luck.

stanski · 30/09/2019 16:42

Do not move the kids! I've actually got an acquaintance who did this (Canada though) when they split he refused to send the kids back. 4 years on and all she can do is SKYPE. It's very sad and incredibly scary. Don't risk it.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread